Jim said to Scroat, "What the hell, man? I thought you were dead."
"Dead? Fuck that bullshit! Just because I got killed doesn't mean I wound up dead! It just meant that I went back to Australia. I had to scramble to catch the first fucking plan back here, too. And I fucking hate flying. It used to be fun, but it's just too much of a pain in the ass these days.
"Also, I was stuck on a goddamn plan for twenty fucking hours. Seth got off easy tonight if you ask me." Scroat said.
"What about Seth? I thought he got blown to pieces," Jim said.
"And that wasn't even almost enough pain for that bastard. But I told you, just because we get killed doesn't mean we're dead. Seth probably woke up in a pyramid, molested a couple of anthropologists - the sick fucker - and flew back to finish what he started.
"You can slow us down a bit, but it's mighty fucking hard to make a god dead." Scroat said.
Jim still look puzzled.
"Remember what I said about asking questions your dumb little mind can't handle the answer to?" Charlie asked Jim.
"Fuck off," Jim said.
"Don't be like that! We still love you!" Charlie said, and laughed.
Hep and Aphrodite were off in a corner, getting reacquainted. It had been a long, long time since they'd seen each other, after all. They talked about the different places they'd gone, and gods that they'd met out there. They carefully avoided talking about their past together. Hep figured that several hundred years apart probably qualified as a divorce, somewhere.
He wasn't surprised to learn about her porn and voodoo shop in New Orleans. Hep figured that you have to stick with what you're good at, after all.
Eventually, they joined the rest of the party again. Hep got involved in a card game with Too Tall, Dave, Jim and Charlie. Athena and Minerva turned in early, so Aphrodite started talking to Scroat.
Not much longer after that, she and Scroat left the room. No one noticed, as they was pretty wrapped up in the game. Between hands, Dave asked in a general way where everyone had gone.
A couple of hours later, Scroat came back into the room, looking divinely happy.
"You look awfully cheerful there Scroat," Charlie said.
"Well, what can I say? It's been a good fucking day, and I'm glad to be alive," Scroat said, and gave Charlie a very toothy grin.
Eventually everyone went back to their own rooms, and Hep, Scroat and Jim were the only ones left in the room.
Hep turned to Scroat, "You know, if I find out you were fooling around with Aphrodite, I'm going to have to kill you."
"Easy there, big fella. Can't a guy be in a good mood?" Scroat asked, and smiled.
"Sure, but you look too happy. In fact, you haven't looked quite so happy since I told you we were going to Vegas." Hep said.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Hep. Good night," Scroat said, and turned in.
"Good night," Hep said. Shortly after that, he went to sleep too.
***
"You shitty, horse faced mother fucker! What's your god damn problem?" Scroat yelled the next morning as Hep grinned and set his hammer down."Not a thing. All is right with the world," Hep said.
***
That night, the group headed over to Tommy's house for dinner. Tommy had spent the whole day getting ready and cooking. It seemed to him that, for once, things might actually work out the way he wanted.He'd made prime rib, mashed potatoes, asparagus, bread rolls, black-eyed peas, wild rice soup and a wonderful assortment of other side dishes. Tommy had also dug out as many candles as he could find and put them out all over the house. He had enough candles going that he didn't even need to turn any lights on when it got dark out. That pleased him; it made the occasion feel more like the old days.
When they arrived, Tommy answered the door in his best suit, and asked them to come in and make themselves at home. He brought out a bottle of wine, and they toasted to the successful conclusion of their adventure. Once they had finished with the wine, they went in to the dining room, and he brought out dinner. Dave joked that they should say grace before eating.
They began to eat, and the food Tommy had prepared was wonderful. He kept them well supplied with wine, and they generally had a great time remembering some of the funnier moments of their trip.
Suddenly, in the middle of the meal, Jeb burst in the front door, brandishing a pump shotgun.
"Where is it?" Jeb yelled. "Give me that damn tobacco pouch!"
"It's right over there," Tommy said, and pointed at his coffee table. Jeb rushed over to grab it, and in his haste he tripped over his own feet. He landed on a side table that Tommy used as a bar, and knocked all the bottles to the floor. Most of them broke open, spilling liquor all over the floor.
"Dammit, Jeb! Why have you got to make a mess of my house?" Tommy yelled. "We're just having dinner here, get the fuck out!"
Jeb got to his feet again, and walked over the coffee table. He picked up Tommy's tobacco pouch and shook it at them.
He laughed a bit, and said "It's mine! Victory is mine!" Then he turned to leave, but slipped in a puddle of whiskey. He struggled to catch his balance, but tripped again and knocked over a large candleabra. The candles fell into the spreading lake of booze, which promptly caught fire. In seconds the entire room was ablaze.
Jeb managed to finally get his feet under him, and ran out the front door, still laughing and shaking the tobacco pouch.
"Holy shit! Everyone get out of the house!" Tommy yelled. They all ran out the back door, and went around the yard to the front of the house. The fire spread remarkably quickly, and within minutes, the entire house was engulfed in flame.
"Man, that guy really does spread bad luck," Charlie commented under his breath.
Tommy was stomping around yelling "I just don't believe this shit!"
One of the neighbors had called the fire department, but the house was gutted by the time they arrived. They put out the fire, and Tommy was left with a burnt out shell of a house.
"Damn. And I really liked that pouch too." Tommy said.
Jim asked Hep, "Don't we need to go catch Jeb?"
"Not unless Tommy needs help kicking his ass," Hep said.
"But wasn't the whole point of this trip to return Tommy's tobacco pouch?" Jeb asked.
"No, the point was to make sure that Tommy's could play out his own myth. The tobacco pouch was just a part of that. We returned it to Tommy, he invited us for dinner, it ended catastrophically, and now we're off the hook.
"Though, as I said, if Tommy wants help kicking Jeb's ass, I think most of us would be up for it." Hep said.
Tommy turned to them, " I can't believe that bastard had the gall to steal my favorite tobacco pouch, and set my house on fire. Seriously, someone needs to teach him some manners."
"Do you want to go find him and lump him up a bit?" Charlie asked. "It might be therapeutic."
"Nah, I'm too tired for that. I'd better figure out where I'm going to sleep tonight." Tommy said. "Thanks for coming over y'all. I hope you had a good time."
"Sure did, Tommy," Hep said. "You can come stay at the motel with us. I think there are some vacancies left,"
"Nah, I've had my eye on a place nearby. I'll just go set up house over there, it'll be like none of this ever happened." Tommy said.
"All right then. Have a good night Tommy," Hep said, and they left.
As they walked away, Jim looked at Hep repeatedly.
"What do you want to know, Jim?" Hep asked, tired.
"How can he be so mellow? His house just burned down, and he doesn't have a home now," Jim said.
"Tommy's used to it," Hep said.
"How's that?" Jim asked.
"Tommy's house burns down, or is otherwise destroyed four or five times a year. Sometimes more, if he's been particularly active. It's all part of his mythology. He can't really avoid it, but he knows enough to plan ahead for it now. He'll be as good as new tomorrow, just you wait and see. It'll be like tonight never happened, at least for him." Hep said.
"Yeah but..." Jim started.
"He's used to it, Jim. Right now he's probably already settled in at his new house. He's a wily old trickster, and he can handle this. Ok?"
"I guess," Jim said.
They all went back to the motel, and ordered several pizzas. Dave and Too Tall, of course, went to get beer. The pizza took an unusually long time getting there. When they called to find out where it was, they learned that the driver had hit some guy who'd been running down the middle of the road laughing and waving a little leather bag around.
Another driver was on their way with the pizzas.
Since they weren't going to starve, they relaxed and got started on the beer. Tonight was a night for celebration, after all. Their quest was over, now all that was left was wrapping things up and getting home somehow.
Scroat and Charlie were going to need new bikes, Hep remembered. He smiled. Tomorrow was going to be a fun day. They all liked going shopping for new bikes.
