Hep felt very strange all morning, since waking Scroat up with his hammer had become an important part of his morning routine after two hundred years. He contemplated trying to wake up Charlie, but then thought the ensuing fight might not be worth the brief entertainment.
Charlie, being a war god as well as a blacksmith, tended to be a little grouchy in the morning.
As it was, he started the coffee, and then took a shower. He wondered if the restaurant would have a decent continental breakfast for them. He hoped they'd have good bagels.
When he got out of the shower, Charlie was up, drinking coffee. "Good morning," he said to Hep.
"Morning. Sleep ok?" Hep asked.
"Well enough. You?"
"Yeah. Dreamt of home." Hep said.
"Me too. I hope we can get in and out of Minnesota in a hurry. That cold climate bugs the hell out of me. At least in Aspen when my balls get cold I can go work at my forge for a while." Charlie said.
Hep grunted. "Let's go find some grub," he said.
They walked next door (Charlie drifter) and knocked until Minerva answered the door in a terry cloth robe.
"Good morning. We're going to head down and see what they've got to eat at this place." Hep said.
"Ok, we'll be down in a while," Minerva said and closed the door again.
Hep and the other two then wandered over to the room Tommy, Dave and Too Tall were in. They knocked, and Dave answered the door. Dave and the others were already dressed.
"Good morning, want to get some breakfast?" Hep asked.
"Yep, let's go," Dave said. The six of them went down to the lobby/dining room and were pleased to find that this particular Super 8 had an unusually generous breakfast spread. Hep was mainly glad that they had decent bagels and coffee.
They had all finished eating and were drinking coffee when Athena and Minerva came down. They ate quickly, and added a lot of cream to their coffee so they could drink it in a hurry.
Once they were finished, they all returned to their rooms to get their things, and then they checked out and loaded up their bikes again.
"So how far is it to Mankato?" Charlie asked Hep.
"About five hours if we ride straight through," Hep said.
"Think we'll run into anything funny on the way?" Charlie asked.
"Probably not in Iowa. Who knows what might happen in Minnesota, though," Hep said.
"Think we'll bump into Thor or any of that crew in Minnesota?"
"Nah, last I heard he was living way, way north. And the rest of them have been keeping to themselves." Hep said.
They fired up their bikes, and started riding into Iowa.
Iowa was exceedingly dull to ride through. They passed a water tower that was painted as a smiley face, which brightened everyone's mood slightly. It would be hard not to feel a little cheerful seeing a smiley face that big, Hep thought.
When they hit Des Moines, they started heading north. Apart from many, many, many corn fields, there really wasn't anything interesting to look at until they got to Clear Lake, which was just shy of the Minnesota border.
"Want to stop and see where Buddy Holly's plane crashed?" Charlie asked Hep when they stopped to stretch.
"Nah. Those three weren't all that great. If they hadn't crashed, no one would even remember them," Hep said.
"That's a little harsh, don't you think?" Charlie said.
"Well, what can I say?" Hep replied.
They continued north, and soon crossed the border into Minnesota.
Soon they saw some signs advertising the Spam museum nearby in Austin. If it weren't a detour, Hep would have liked to go. As it was, they kept riding until they got to Mankato. There, they stopped on the north side of town at a Happy Chef restaurant. There was a huge Happy Chef statue, smiling and holding a gigantic wooden spoon to one side of the restaurant. They parked on the other side of the lot from the statue, and walked into the restaurant keeping one eye on the statue until they were sure it wasn't going to try anything funny.
As it was, the statue was overjoyed to see them. Of course, being a happy chef, he was happy to see any one, but he was extra happy to see the seven of them (and their transparent friend). He hoped they'd stop by to chat before they left. He had so much he wanted to tell them!
Hep and the crew went into the Happy Chef. It was every bit a Minnesota family restaurant, with vinyl booths, as well as regular tables with cheap metal chairs, and table cloths under clear plastic.
"So what are we going to do from here?" Minerva asked.
"I think we should find a place to sleep and then head out for Brainerd tomorrow." Charlie said.
"That doesn't sound like a bad idea to me," Hep said. There was a motel right next door, and he wanted to explore Mankato a bit, since he'd heard there was some other amusing things to see. He was particularly interested to see what he'd heard was the ugliest buffalo statue ever erected, placed there to memorialize something like thirty American Indians who had been hung on one day in Mankato.
It sounded like a pretty shitty memorial to Hep, and he was curious to see this ode to bad taste himself.
Their waitress came over to the table. She was a cute, chubby girl with candy-corn colored hair and black & white Doc Marten's oxfords. They ordered, and asked her to leave a pot of coffee at their table.
Soon enough, their food came and they ate. The food was decent, and they enjoyed their meal.
As they left, Hep said, "Well, I don't think the statue's going to attack us. What do you say we go over and check it out?"
"Sure, why not?" Charlie said. The group walked over. The Happy Chef was absolutely delighted! Special visitors!
The group got up to the statue and looked up. "That is one big, happy chef, all right," Tommy said. Hep noticed there was a push button and a speaker at the base of the statue.
He moved forward and pushed it.
A deep, and stupid-sounding voice said "Sometimes, you might notice that your water doesn't have any ice in it. That's because now and then the water gets hungry and eats the ice. Don't be alarmed, it is a perfectly natural occurrence."
The statue's heart sank. That wasn't what he'd wanted to say at all! What he'd wanted to say was "Look out! There's a bunch of red-shirted scooterists right behind you, and they look pissed!"
"That was retarded," Charlie said.
"Yeah," Hep said, and turned to walk back to the bikes. That's when they noticed the scooterists.
"Aw fuck," Tommy said.
Most of the scooter gang were carrying baseball bats and other club-like instruments.
"You bastards!" the apparent leader of the group yelled, and charged at them with a bat over his head, ready to swing. As he got close to Hep, he started to swing.
Hep ducked the bat easily, and punched the scooterist in the gut.
"Hooof!" the scooterist exclaimed, and dropped the bat as he hunched over clutching his stomach. Hep brought his elbow down on the back of the red shirts head, and laid him out on the parking lot.
The rest of the scooterists charged at the group. One ran at Charlie, who nailed him with a right hook to the jaw. The scooterist fell over backwards and didn't get up.
Athena, meanwhile, was in the middle of a group of scooterists, swinging wildly at anything nearby and whooping with joy. Soon most of that group was piled on the ground moaning.
One of the scooterists tried to sneak up behind Tommy, who was busily thrashing a scooterist who had been carrying a length of chain. Jim saw him, and popped up in front of him.
"Ooga Booga, motherfucker!" Jim yelled. The scooterist tripped over his own feet trying to get away, and bashed his head on the bumper of a pickup truck, knocking himself unconscious.
After a couple minutes, Hep's crew had laid out the entire gang.
"You guys just don't learn!" Hep said, then walked over to his bike. The rest followed him, and they roared out of the parking lot, headed north again. They eventually stopped in Savage for the night.
They found a crummy motel on the edge of town that had a parking lot that wrapped around the back, where they could park without their bikes being visible from the road.
"So much for staying low key, huh?" Hep said to Charlie.
"Yeah, I guess," Charlie answered. "Where the hell did those guys come from? I didn't even hear them pull in."
"I don't know," Hep said. "Good trick, though. Remind me to find one of them and ask how they did it some day."
"Sure thing," Charlie said, and grinned.
***
While Hep and the rest were riding to Minnesota, battling scooterists and talking to dumb statues, Ian had been busy finding a bank to rent a safe deposit box in. After he'd located one, he spent the rest of his time bumming around the Twin Cities, waiting to hear from Hep or one of the others.
That night, he got a call from Hep.
"Hey, Ian," Hep said. "Did you get that thing done for me?"
"Sure did," Ian said. "What's next?"
"I need you to go to the airport and pick someone up," Hep said. "Once you're done with that, come and meet us in Brainerd. Bring that thing I gave you."
"Ok. Who am I picking up?" Ian asked.
"You'll know when you see him," Hep said. "Have a good night."
"You too." Ian said. He hung up the phone and went to the Minneapolis airport. He parked his bike and found a comfy looking chair in the arrivals area to wait for who ever he was supposed to pick up.
Chapter 29
When Frank got back to New Orleans, he didn't go and show off the beautiful Corvette to his buddies, as he'd planned. He had gotten rid of his fedora and trench coat, as well as the cigarettes.
He did keep himself well supplied with coffee, however.
After making a pit stop on the edge of town, his first order of business was to go and see Aphrodite.
"Hi there, sweetheart," Aphrodite said as he walked into her shop. "Why don't you come into the back with me?"
Frank nodded, and walked in to the store room with Aphrodite. It was a tiny room, there was barely space for the two of them and the small desk in there. The room smelled of strange spices and herbs, and there were a lot of dark jars with odd labels lining the shelves. There was also a stray dildo here and there, but Aphrodite kept most of that stock out on display in the shop.
"Now then, it sounds like you've had yourself a pretty spectacular adventure," Aphrodite said.
"Yes, I suppose you could call it that," Frank replied. He didn't really know what to make of his trip, except that it had gone from being the best job he'd ever had to some kind of bizarre, scary ordeal in the blink of an eye. He no longer wanted to be like the detectives on TV, that was for sure.
"Well, I'm sure you've got a lot of plans from here, so I don't want to keep you. Here's your paycheck," Aphrodite said, and handed him a brief case full of cash. At the beginning of the trip, Frank would have thought getting a briefcase full of cash money would be wonderful, but instead it just made him nervous and somewhat irritable.
"Thanks," he said.
"Now, there is one other small matter. The key, please," Aphrodite said, and held out here hand.
Frank was dismayed, and thought about saying something. In the end, he just dug the wonderful key out and handed it to her. No more easy, fast cars for him.
"Thanks, dear. Now you take care," she said, and shooed him out of the back room.
Once he'd gone, she got out a marker and a sheet of paper and made a sign reading "Closed Due to Family Emergency. Be Back Soon!" She hung the sign on the glass of the front door, and locked up the shop. Then she hopped into the Corvette that Frank had so considerately left on the curb and started driving North.
***
Hep, Tommy, Charlie, Jim, Minerva, Athena, Dave and Too Tall rode from Denver to Omaha, Nebraska. Their mood was somber, but also somewhat relieved because an end to this particular adventure was in sight.
As they passed through Ogallala, Nebraska, Jim saw a water tower painted to look like a UFO, complete with a little green man looking out a window at them. He nudged Hep, and pointed to it. Hep smiled a little, and kept riding.
He had no doubt that Scroat was pissed that he'd died like a chump, shot in the back as they walked away from their victory. He imagined that where ever he was, he was probably cursing up a storm. Two storms, if he got on a roll. Scroat was never one for inside thoughts. Hep couldn't help but smile again.
They passed through Hastings, the birthplace of Kool-Aid, but none of them really felt compelled to stop. Maybe if it was the birthplace of beer they would have.
Soon enough, they arrived in Omaha, and found a Super 8 motel to spend the night at. Dave, Tommy and Too Tall went to buy some food and beer, so they wouldn't have to leave the motel that night. None of them really felt up to finding a bar.
Hep, Charlie and Jim went to their room and dropped their stuff in there. Hep went to take a shower, and Charlie slumped into one of the chairs. Jim drifted over by him.
"How come I didn't see Scroat after he got shot?" Jim asked.
"What do you mean?" Charlie replied.
"Well, how come I didn't see his ghost? I was expecting to see him, probably swearing up a storm," Jim said.
"He's a god, Jim. Gods don't have souls to hang around after they die because, physical form or not, gods are spirits, concepts or ideals. So after we burned him, he just went back to where ever the hell he was from." Charlie said. "I'm sure no one was happy to see him when he got there, either."
"So he went to heaven?" Jim asked.
"I told you, he went back to where ever the hell he was from," Charlie said, mildly irritated. "Don't ask questions your feeble little mind can't handle the answers to."
Jim drifted off to another part of the room and sulked.
"Fuck, I'm sorry Jim," Charlie said. "I'm just upset."
"It's ok." Jim said.
Hep came out of the shower. "Are those guys back yet? I'm famished."
"We haven't heard them, but it's only been ten minutes, calm down." Charlie said.
Not too much later, Tommy, Dave and Too Tall knocked on Hep's door. He let them in, and they brought a couple of bags of groceries and a case of beer into the room and set them down on the table.
"You got a fridge in here?" Too Tall asked Hep.
"Nope, so I guess we'll be drinking warm beer tonight," Hep said.
"That's ok, this is good beer for drinking warm," Too Tall said, and held up a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
"Maybe if we drink it fast," Hep said. "Hey Jim, go get Athena and Minerva."
Jim drifted into the ladies' room, and began saying "Hey, come over to Hep's room for food and..." when he noticed that they were both in the middle of dressing. He was stunned (and impressed) and stopped talking and just stared.
"Get the fuck out of here!" Athena yelled at him. "Just because you're a ghost doesn't mean you don't need to knock any more."
"Oh! Right! Uh, Sorry!" Jim said, and went back to Hep's room. That was embarrassing.
Soon after, Minerva and Athena walked into Hep's room. Athena gave Jim a nasty glare, but didn't say anything.
Hep gave everyone a beer, then held up his own. "A toast to the fallen," he said, then emptied his beer on the floor.
"Shit, that's going to piss off the cleaning lady," Jim mumbled.
"Shut up, Jim, this is important," Tommy said. "Have some class."
Hep remained silent for a moment, then got another beer and drank it himself.
"So, I guess our next stop will be Mankato, Minnesota. Then up to Brainerd." Hep said.
"Then what?" Dave asked.
"Then we'll see what happens from there." Hep said. "Let's have something to eat, I'm starving."
They broke into the cold cuts, cold salads, chips and pretzels that Tommy, Dave and Too Tall had brought, and drank a lot of beer. After they were stuffed, and drunk to boot, Tommy, Dave, Too Tall, Minerva and Athena went back to their rooms.
Charlie and Hep relocated the empty beer bottles to the table, and carefully stepped over the puddle of beer on the floor every time they walked by. Jim was puzzled that they'd just left the beer there, but decided not to say anything about it. After all, it wasn't like he could get into any kind of trouble for the mess they made.
Once the room was reasonably tidy (eg. There was a safe path they could walk along from beds to bathroom), Charlie turned in for the night. Hep sat up for a while, thinking about the events of the last couple days.
The phone rang.
Hep went over and picked it up.
"Hep, is that you?" Elvis drawled.
"The very same," Hep answered.
"Damn, man, how are you doing?" Elvis asked.
"Not too good, not too good at all" Hep said.
"I bet. I was sorry to hear about Scroat. I didn't like him much, but I know he meant well."
"Thanks Elvis," Hep said.
"So you know this thing isn't over yet, right?" Elvis asked.
"Of course. It's not over until Tommy's invited us to dinner." Hep said.
"Yeah, but you know that Seth's guys are still looking for you?" Elvis asked.
"I figured. None of them seemed too bright," Hep said. "And a few of them might be mad we tore up their buddies. Do they know where we are?"
"Not as far as I know, but they do know you're heading for Minnesota. You're going to want to stay low key when you get there. You might even be able to slip up to Brainerd unnoticed if you're careful." Elvis said. "I'd say stick to riding through the cow towns as much as you can."
"Sure thing. The drivers in the Twin Cities are too slow for me to bear anyway." Elvis said.
"Well, be careful out there," Elvis said.
"You bet. See ya, Elvis." Hep said, and hung up the phone. He was mildly annoyed that Seth's goons knew where they were headed, though since that's where Tommy lived it was only logical. He hoped they'd be able to sneak up to Brainerd without having to deal with any more red shirts or angry statues.
It would be easy enough to stay out of sight though. For all the urban sophistication of Minneapolis and St. Paul, Minnesota was still a farm state. They could breeze through cornfields and forests all the way up to Brainerd, if they had to.
Hep went to bed, and eventually fell asleep. He dreamt of home, and his forge. He couldn't wait to get back and be done with this whole sorry trip.
Jim was restless, and explored the motel. He was careful to avoid Minerva and Athena's room, though he peeked into several of the other rooms. Unfortunately, there wasn't anything interesting going on that night, just a lot of sleeping travelers. Eventually he went back to Hep and Charlie's room, and spent the rest of the night staring out the window.
He did keep himself well supplied with coffee, however.
After making a pit stop on the edge of town, his first order of business was to go and see Aphrodite.
"Hi there, sweetheart," Aphrodite said as he walked into her shop. "Why don't you come into the back with me?"
Frank nodded, and walked in to the store room with Aphrodite. It was a tiny room, there was barely space for the two of them and the small desk in there. The room smelled of strange spices and herbs, and there were a lot of dark jars with odd labels lining the shelves. There was also a stray dildo here and there, but Aphrodite kept most of that stock out on display in the shop.
"Now then, it sounds like you've had yourself a pretty spectacular adventure," Aphrodite said.
"Yes, I suppose you could call it that," Frank replied. He didn't really know what to make of his trip, except that it had gone from being the best job he'd ever had to some kind of bizarre, scary ordeal in the blink of an eye. He no longer wanted to be like the detectives on TV, that was for sure.
"Well, I'm sure you've got a lot of plans from here, so I don't want to keep you. Here's your paycheck," Aphrodite said, and handed him a brief case full of cash. At the beginning of the trip, Frank would have thought getting a briefcase full of cash money would be wonderful, but instead it just made him nervous and somewhat irritable.
"Thanks," he said.
"Now, there is one other small matter. The key, please," Aphrodite said, and held out here hand.
Frank was dismayed, and thought about saying something. In the end, he just dug the wonderful key out and handed it to her. No more easy, fast cars for him.
"Thanks, dear. Now you take care," she said, and shooed him out of the back room.
Once he'd gone, she got out a marker and a sheet of paper and made a sign reading "Closed Due to Family Emergency. Be Back Soon!" She hung the sign on the glass of the front door, and locked up the shop. Then she hopped into the Corvette that Frank had so considerately left on the curb and started driving North.
***
Hep, Tommy, Charlie, Jim, Minerva, Athena, Dave and Too Tall rode from Denver to Omaha, Nebraska. Their mood was somber, but also somewhat relieved because an end to this particular adventure was in sight.
As they passed through Ogallala, Nebraska, Jim saw a water tower painted to look like a UFO, complete with a little green man looking out a window at them. He nudged Hep, and pointed to it. Hep smiled a little, and kept riding.
He had no doubt that Scroat was pissed that he'd died like a chump, shot in the back as they walked away from their victory. He imagined that where ever he was, he was probably cursing up a storm. Two storms, if he got on a roll. Scroat was never one for inside thoughts. Hep couldn't help but smile again.
They passed through Hastings, the birthplace of Kool-Aid, but none of them really felt compelled to stop. Maybe if it was the birthplace of beer they would have.
Soon enough, they arrived in Omaha, and found a Super 8 motel to spend the night at. Dave, Tommy and Too Tall went to buy some food and beer, so they wouldn't have to leave the motel that night. None of them really felt up to finding a bar.
Hep, Charlie and Jim went to their room and dropped their stuff in there. Hep went to take a shower, and Charlie slumped into one of the chairs. Jim drifted over by him.
"How come I didn't see Scroat after he got shot?" Jim asked.
"What do you mean?" Charlie replied.
"Well, how come I didn't see his ghost? I was expecting to see him, probably swearing up a storm," Jim said.
"He's a god, Jim. Gods don't have souls to hang around after they die because, physical form or not, gods are spirits, concepts or ideals. So after we burned him, he just went back to where ever the hell he was from." Charlie said. "I'm sure no one was happy to see him when he got there, either."
"So he went to heaven?" Jim asked.
"I told you, he went back to where ever the hell he was from," Charlie said, mildly irritated. "Don't ask questions your feeble little mind can't handle the answers to."
Jim drifted off to another part of the room and sulked.
"Fuck, I'm sorry Jim," Charlie said. "I'm just upset."
"It's ok." Jim said.
Hep came out of the shower. "Are those guys back yet? I'm famished."
"We haven't heard them, but it's only been ten minutes, calm down." Charlie said.
Not too much later, Tommy, Dave and Too Tall knocked on Hep's door. He let them in, and they brought a couple of bags of groceries and a case of beer into the room and set them down on the table.
"You got a fridge in here?" Too Tall asked Hep.
"Nope, so I guess we'll be drinking warm beer tonight," Hep said.
"That's ok, this is good beer for drinking warm," Too Tall said, and held up a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
"Maybe if we drink it fast," Hep said. "Hey Jim, go get Athena and Minerva."
Jim drifted into the ladies' room, and began saying "Hey, come over to Hep's room for food and..." when he noticed that they were both in the middle of dressing. He was stunned (and impressed) and stopped talking and just stared.
"Get the fuck out of here!" Athena yelled at him. "Just because you're a ghost doesn't mean you don't need to knock any more."
"Oh! Right! Uh, Sorry!" Jim said, and went back to Hep's room. That was embarrassing.
Soon after, Minerva and Athena walked into Hep's room. Athena gave Jim a nasty glare, but didn't say anything.
Hep gave everyone a beer, then held up his own. "A toast to the fallen," he said, then emptied his beer on the floor.
"Shit, that's going to piss off the cleaning lady," Jim mumbled.
"Shut up, Jim, this is important," Tommy said. "Have some class."
Hep remained silent for a moment, then got another beer and drank it himself.
"So, I guess our next stop will be Mankato, Minnesota. Then up to Brainerd." Hep said.
"Then what?" Dave asked.
"Then we'll see what happens from there." Hep said. "Let's have something to eat, I'm starving."
They broke into the cold cuts, cold salads, chips and pretzels that Tommy, Dave and Too Tall had brought, and drank a lot of beer. After they were stuffed, and drunk to boot, Tommy, Dave, Too Tall, Minerva and Athena went back to their rooms.
Charlie and Hep relocated the empty beer bottles to the table, and carefully stepped over the puddle of beer on the floor every time they walked by. Jim was puzzled that they'd just left the beer there, but decided not to say anything about it. After all, it wasn't like he could get into any kind of trouble for the mess they made.
Once the room was reasonably tidy (eg. There was a safe path they could walk along from beds to bathroom), Charlie turned in for the night. Hep sat up for a while, thinking about the events of the last couple days.
The phone rang.
Hep went over and picked it up.
"Hep, is that you?" Elvis drawled.
"The very same," Hep answered.
"Damn, man, how are you doing?" Elvis asked.
"Not too good, not too good at all" Hep said.
"I bet. I was sorry to hear about Scroat. I didn't like him much, but I know he meant well."
"Thanks Elvis," Hep said.
"So you know this thing isn't over yet, right?" Elvis asked.
"Of course. It's not over until Tommy's invited us to dinner." Hep said.
"Yeah, but you know that Seth's guys are still looking for you?" Elvis asked.
"I figured. None of them seemed too bright," Hep said. "And a few of them might be mad we tore up their buddies. Do they know where we are?"
"Not as far as I know, but they do know you're heading for Minnesota. You're going to want to stay low key when you get there. You might even be able to slip up to Brainerd unnoticed if you're careful." Elvis said. "I'd say stick to riding through the cow towns as much as you can."
"Sure thing. The drivers in the Twin Cities are too slow for me to bear anyway." Elvis said.
"Well, be careful out there," Elvis said.
"You bet. See ya, Elvis." Hep said, and hung up the phone. He was mildly annoyed that Seth's goons knew where they were headed, though since that's where Tommy lived it was only logical. He hoped they'd be able to sneak up to Brainerd without having to deal with any more red shirts or angry statues.
It would be easy enough to stay out of sight though. For all the urban sophistication of Minneapolis and St. Paul, Minnesota was still a farm state. They could breeze through cornfields and forests all the way up to Brainerd, if they had to.
Hep went to bed, and eventually fell asleep. He dreamt of home, and his forge. He couldn't wait to get back and be done with this whole sorry trip.
Jim was restless, and explored the motel. He was careful to avoid Minerva and Athena's room, though he peeked into several of the other rooms. Unfortunately, there wasn't anything interesting going on that night, just a lot of sleeping travelers. Eventually he went back to Hep and Charlie's room, and spent the rest of the night staring out the window.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)