They rode north, avoiding major freeways as much as possible. The roads they took mainly took them through farmland and the outskirts of suburbs. They were annoyed with how slow all the drivers were.
"Doesn't anyone have a place to go?" Charlie yelled to Hep.
"I guess not," Hep answered.
Tommy said, "They're just making sure they aren't missing any opportunities to feel guilty and be nice to people. Give 'em a break!"
As they got further north, Hep remembered something about a twine ball in Darwin. Too bad it was out of the way; he resolved to stop and see it on his way home.
***
Ian had spent the entire night in the airport, waiting for whoever he was supposed to pick up. He'd had a lot of coffee, and was still having a hell of a time staying awake enough to watch.Around seven in the morning he dozed off. About half an hour after that, someone shook him awake.
"Hey, aren't you that fucker Hep was being all mysterious with back in Denver?" Scroat asked him.
"Huh? Oh, yeah. What are you doing here at the airport? I thought you were still riding with Hep." Ian said.
"It's a long story," Scroat said. "So are you here to give me a ride, or what?"
"Yeah. We have to stop by a bank here quick and pick something up, then we'll head to Brainerd. I hope you don't mind riding bitch," Ian said.
"Of course I mind riding bitch. I guess, since these are extenuating circumstances, I'll let it slide this time," Scroat said. "What do we have to get at the bank?"
"Something Hep gave me," Ian said. "Let's go. I'm not parked too far away."
Five minutes after Ian and Scroat left, Seth emerged from the concourse, and waited by the curb outside to be picked up. Shortly, a car pulled up to the curb next to him, and he got in.
"Take me to Brainerd," he said.
***
Ian and Scroat waited in line at the airport. They looked rather out of place among all the well-dressed business men and women in their riding leathers. Ian finally got someone to help him, and they went into the safe to open the box.The banker who led them into the vault waited just inside the door as Ian dug around in his jacket to find the key for the safe deposit box. Eventually he found it, and opened the small box he'd rented. He grabbed the parcel inside, and stuffed it into an inner pocket of his jacket.
Then he locked the box again and put it back.
"Thanks," he said to the banker as they left the vault.
Once outside, they rode north to Brainerd.
***
Hep and the rest reached Brainerd early in the afternoon. They dropped Tommy off at his house, and Charlie, Tommy, Minerva, Athena, Dave and Too Tall went inside. Hep told them he wanted to explore Brainerd a bit, until Ian arrived. Jim rode with Hep.Hep and Jim rode around Brainerd, mainly silent. On the outskirts of town, Hep saw a giant Paul Bunyan statue. He rode up to it, and parked. Hep and Jim went up to the statue to check it out. It seemed no one was home in this statue, which put both of them at ease.
There was an old-timey red telephone next to Paul. "Talk to Paul!" a small sign read. Hep picked up the phone, and a comically deep voice slowly told him a horrible joke. Hep had no idea that Paul, in addition to being a folk hero, was also a punster.
"Was that worthwhile?" Jim asked him as he hung up the phone.
"Barely," Hep said, and grinned. "Think Ian's arrived yet?"
"Let's go find out," Jim said.
The walked back to the bike, and were quite surprised to see a shiny black Corvette parked next to their bikes, and a pretty blond lady leaning against it waiting for them.
"Hi Hep," Aphrodite said as he and Jim got closer. "Who's your friend?"
"This is Jim, he's been tagging along. What are you doing here Aphrodite?" Hep asked.
"I heard you and Scroat managed to get yourselves into a whole bunch of trouble. I thought you might need a hand." Aphrodite answered.
"Do you live up here?" Hep asked.
"Nope. I drove straight through from New Orleans. You wouldn't believe how quickly a trip like that passes in a car like this." Aphrodite said, and laughed.
"I can imagine. We're headed back to Tommy's, if you want to come with," Hep said.
Hep led the way back to Tommy's house. They parked, and went inside.
Tommy's house was neat, but worn. He had leather furniture that had been nice once, but was beginning to wear out. There were a couple of tears here and there in the leather where the stuffing was coming out. He had a huge stereo system that was probably twenty five years out of date. His carpet, once luxurious, was now worn out in spots, and there were several well-worn paths showing where Tommy normally walked. There was a lot of tasteless art on the walls, stuff that was a shadow and a wink away from being pornography.
"Who's this, Hep?" Too Tall asked, as Hep led Aphrodite inside.
"Aphrodite, of course," Hep said. "Everyone, Aphrodite; Aphrodite, everyone."
"Haven't seen you for a while," Athena said. "I thought you were still back in Greece."
"No, I've been here a while, living in New Orleans," Aphrodite said.
"How's Ares been?" Athena asked pointedly.
"I wouldn't know, the last time I saw him was just after I brained him with a rock during that thing with the Trojans," Aphrodite said sweetly.
***
Ian and Scroat were just twenty miles away from Brainerd when a nail lodged itself in Ian's rear tire. Though they hadn't seen the nail, they soon heard the tell-tall thumpita-thumpita of a flat tire. Ian eased the bike to the side of the road, and inspected the damage."Well, at least the nail is in the treads. I've got a patch kit, and a CO2 inflator, so we should be rolling again in no time," Ian said, as he pulled the nail out with a pair of pliers.
"Jeez, that's a nasty bastard," he said as he examined it. It was easily six inches long. He plugged the hole with his patch kit, and inflated his tire again.
"This should hold us until Brainerd, anyway," Ian said.
"Fuckin' a!" Scroat said. "Let's get moving."
They rolled out again. The tire held up fine, and they were at Tommy's house shortly.
Ian and Scroat were surprised to see Seth and Jeb standing next their car, waiting.
"Aw, fuck! Not you again!" Scroat said.
"Oh yes! Me, again!" Seth said, and laughed. "It's good to see you too, Scroat!"
Hep and Charlie burst out Tommy's front door. Dave and the rest followed close behind.
"How many times are we going to have to kill you until you piss off?" Charlie asked Seth.
"A few more, I'm afraid," Seth said, smiling. He drew a pistol from his jacket and pointed it at Dave and Too Tall. "Now then, Hep, I believe you have something that I want. Hand it over and I won't shoot your mortal friends."
"Well, I'd love to, but I don't have it," Hep said. "Now that I think about it, I wouldn't give it to you even if I did have it."
Seth cocked the hammer on his revolver. "I'm sure these two would want you to reconsider."
"Fuck that! I doubt you could hit either one of us anyway," Dave called.
"I'm quite sure that I can hit both of you, my friend," Seth said, and smiled at him.
While Seth's attention was focused on Dave and Too Tall, Aphrodite had picked up a rock from Tommy's yard.
"Oh, Seth!" she called. Seth turned to look, and she threw the rock at his head with all her might. It hit Seth just above his left eye, drawing blood.
"Fuck!" Seth exclaimed, and pulled the trigger on his pistol. The bullet completely missed Dave and Too Tall, though it did hit an unfortunate crow nearby. Dave and Too Tall looked at each other.
"Fuck," Dave said, relieved.
"Fuck," Too Tall agreed.
The crow, being a goddess of war, was dismayed and severely annoyed by this turn of events.
Charlie, Scroat, Ian and Athena took the opportunity to rush Seth. Charlie took a flying leap at Seth and tackled him. The revolver went off again, and hit Charlie's Ducati, shattering the plastic and doing untold damage to the finicky Italian innards of the bike.
"You fucking dick!" Charlie yelled, and drove his knee into Seth's gut. Scroat, Ian and Athena quickly moved in to tie up Seth. They had him hog-tied within a matter of seconds.
Charlie was walking around in circles, cursing so much that Scroat began to giggle with glee. "I can't believe you shot my fucking bike. You fucking assmuncher! I oughta rip off your balls and cram them down your fucking throat, except that'd be far too nice. Fuck!"
"Dammit Jeb, you and your bad fucking luck," Seth said.
"It's not Jeb's fucking fault, you're just dealing with superior fucking intellects here," Scroat said, and shoved a rag into Seth's mouth to gag him.
They left Seth laying on the grass. Charlie stayed nearby, keeping one eye on Jeb. "Don't do anything stupid, Jeb. I'm already way past blowing my cool."
Ian and Scroat walked back to where Tommy and Hep were standing.
"Here's that thing, Hep" Ian said, and dug the parcel out of his pocket.
"Thanks Ian," Hep said, and unwrapped Tommy's tobacco pouch. He turned to Tommy.
"I think you left this at my house, Tommy," Hep said, and held it out to Tommy.
Tommy took it, "Hey, thanks man, I've been missing this. Say, you guys should all come over for dinner. How about tomorrow night?"
"Sounds good, Tommy," Hep said. He turned to look at Seth. "What should we do with him?"
Jim spoke up. "I've got an idea," he said, and whispered to Hep.
Hep laughed out loud and said "Damn Jim, I like the way you think."
Jim smiled, and then clobbered Seth's head with a big rock.
***
When Seth came to, he heard a comically deep voice talking to him. He was bolt upright, and he couldn't move his arms or legs. He noticed there was something cold pressed against his ear, and the voice was coming from it."Hello? Who's this?" Seth asked.
"...and I said 'To termites, a group of dead trees is an arbor eat'um,' hyuck hyuck hyuck" the voice said.
Seth finally looked around enough to realize he was tied to a Paul Bunyan statue. And it was talking to him.
He bellowed in a rage, but he was far away from any houses, and all the Minnesotans were already asleep, so no one heard him.
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