Chapter 19

Hep dreamt he was at home, at his kitchen table. Tommy sat across from him.

"Hey buddy," Tommy said. "Heard Scroat blew your chances with a catholic school girl."

"No, he just offended an old nun," Hep replied.

"Too bad. The school girls are more fun," Tommy said, and laughed.

"You just aren't right in the head," Hep replied.

"Nope. But can you really say that you are?" Tommy asked.

"I can always rest assured that I'm not as fucked up as you are," Hep said.

Tommy laughed again, sat back and lit a cigarette.

"So where are you, Tommy? I'm getting pretty sick of playing courier," Hep said.

"Right now, I'm in Tallahassee. I'm going to start heading west though. Right now I'm barely two steps ahead of Seth and his flunkies," Tommy said. He took a big drag off his cigarette and exhaled slowly.

"So, how are you guys doing? I see you've ditched the mortals and picked up a couple of godly cuties," Tommy said.

"We haven't ditched anyone. The UTMC crew is going to catch up with us again soon. And the godly cuties can hold their own as well as we can," Hep said.

"I guess you'll find out. Say hi to the rest of your crew for me," Tommy said. He took another big drag off his cigarette and exhaled. The smoke enveloped him, and he disappeared.
"You're a tool, Tommy," Hep said.

***

Hep woke up the next morning in yet another motel and saw Charlie standing by the window, looking out. It looked like Scroat was still asleep.

"Hey," Hep said quietly.

"Hey, Hep," Charlie said.

Hep got out of bed and walked over to the window. "Anything interesting out there?"

"Not yet." Charlie said.

"Are you expecting something?" Hep asked.

"Always," Charlie said, "but today I've just got a weird feeling. Like we narrowly avoided something we weren't even aware of."

"Well, you've always been kind of paranoid," Hep said, and slapped Charlie on the back. He walked over to the kitchenette and started making some coffee.

"Paranoid people live longer, with more remaining limbs," Charlie said.

When the coffee was done, Hep poured himself a cup, then poured a cup for Charlie. He brought both cups back over to the window.

"So where to next, chief?" Charlie asked.

"I think our best bet will be Atlanta." Hep said. "Tommy says he's heading west now."

"Man, can't he just hole up and stay low-key like anyone else would?" Charlie said.

"Well, nothing pisses off your enemy more than a moving target," Hep said.

Hep finished his coffee and looked at the clock. Time to wake up Scroat.

***

Minerva and Athena heard Scroat yell "You nun-grabbing bag of festering shit!" through their wall. They hurried next door, to see what happened.

When they got in the room, they saw Hep, Scroat and Charlie sitting drinking coffee.

"What the hell was all the yelling?" Minerva asked.

"Just Scroat's wake up call," Hep said, with a straight face.

"Right. Ok, so how about some coffee?" Athena asked.
"Help yourself," Hep said.

Since they were all together, Hep told them the plan to go to Atlanta next. He explained that Tommy was heading west for the time being. He hoped that by going southwest, they'd be able to catch him before he got too far.

They went out and loaded up their bikes. In a matter of minutes they were on their way out of Durham. On the side of the road, Hep saw Sister Agnes hitchhiking again. He pulled over.

"Sorry about Scroat last night. His mouth gets away from him," Hep said. Sister Agnes looked unimpressed.

Hep continued, "We're on our way to Atlanta; I can give you a lift to Charlotte if you'd like."

"No thanks, I think I'll take my chances with a different batch of crazies this time. God bless." Sister Agnes said, and walked away.

Hep shrugged and turned back on to the road. He sped up to catch up with the rest of the gang, who hadn't pulled over with him when they saw it was the nun again.

***

The UTMC crew was riding south very quickly. They moved through traffic like a swarm of leather-clad hornets. While at a gas station in Durham (their location was a complete coincidence), Dave heard something that sounded kind of like a shopping cart rattling towards him. He turned to look, and saw a bird-like man riding a bicycle with no front tire towards him.

"Dave?" the man said.

"That's me."

"Hep and his friends are on their way to Atlanta. You just missed them," the man said.

"No shit? Thanks buddy," Dave said. "You know, that bike would be a lot easier to ride if it had a front tire on there."

"The noise scares spirits away. That's more important. Have a good day," the man said, and pedaled away.

The UTMCers left Durham. On their way out of town, Dave spotted a nun on the side of the road, hitchhiking. He pulled over and asked her if she needed a ride. The rest of the UTMC crew rolled in behind him. The nun looked at the dusty, greasy band of bikers in shock.

"Me and my big mouth," Sister Agnes muttered to herself. "Yes, I'm going to Charlotte," she said to Dave.

"Well, hop on," Dave said. She got on, and they got moving towards Charlotte. Sister Agnes quickly wished that she'd just sucked it up and ridden with Hep. Dave and his band of motorcycle crazies were riding so fast that she finally just squeezed her eyes shut and held on tightly to Dave's jacket.

***

Hep and the rest of his crew stopped in Charlotte to have a bite to eat. They were sitting outside at a MacDonald's, far away from any Ronald statues this time.

In the distance, and getting louder quickly, they heard a large group of motorcycles. Soon Charlie spotted Dave and the UTMC crew at a stoplight nearby. He stood up and walked closer to the street, and started waving his arms over his head.

Dave spotted him, and waved back quickly. When the light changed, they all pulled into the parking lot.

Sister Agnes saw Hep and Scroat, and exclaimed "Can't I get away from you people?" and walked off in a huff.

Dave watched her go. "Some gratitude," he said. "Hi guys! How've you been?"

"Not bad," Hep said. He pointed to Minerva and Athena, "Dave, this is Minerva and Athena. Ladies, Dave and the Uniformly Terrific Motorcycle Crazies."

The UTMC crew all introduced themselves, and then a couple of them went into the restaurant to get some burgers for the group.

Once they had all eaten, they rolled out en masse and rode towards Atlanta.

***

Jeb found himself back in the cave. It was still unpleasant, but at least his neck wasn't broken any more. For now, at least.

"Jeb, you disappoint me. I gave you such a simple task. All you had to do was stay with the motorcyclists and let me know when they caught up with Hep," Seth said.

"Well, I am a god of bad luck," Jeb said petulantly.

"I'm sorry, perhaps you forgot who is working for who in this relationship. Allow me to refresh your memory," Seth said.

Pain ripped through Jeb's body. He was lifted off the floor and thrown into the air. He landed and was impaled on a stalagmite. He twitched and clawed at the spike protruding from his stomach.

"Oh my, that was rather bad luck indeed," Seth said.

"I should have just figured out a way to pay Scroat back," Jeb said to himself.

"What's that?" Seth asked.

"Nothing." Jeb said.

"Good," Seth replied. "I think I'll leave you in here for a while, to think about what we talked about. See you in a week or so."

Seth left the cave. Jeb moaned to himself.

***

Hep, Scroat, Charlie, Jim, Minerva, Athena, Dave and the rest of the UTMCers rode swiftly towards Atlanta. Minerva and Athena had a hard time adjusting to Dave's crew and their need to stop for gas on a regular basis. Just like Hep and Scroat, their bikes never needed maintenance.

They stopped in Hartwell, Georgia, because Scroat - of all of them - wanted to see the Center of The World. He was disappointed when he got there to find that it was not, in fact, the landmark mentioned in another book about roadtripping gods that he had enjoyed. No, this Center of the World was the Cherokee Indian equivalent to saying "All roads lead to Rome."

"I guess I'm rubbing off on you, eh?" Hep said to Scroat.

"You'd better not. That's fucking disgusting, you sick monkey," Scroat replied.

They mounted up again and rolled on towards Atlanta.

Chapter 18

Hep, Scroat, Charlie and Jim rode south into Maryland. It took roughly an hour for them to get there, and they spent an hour or so riding around as Hep tried to get his bearings. He knew some folks in Baltimore that could help them out.

After an hour and a half, Hep finally gave up and pulled in to use a payphone. Across the street was a graphics company with a gigantic fiberglass pineapple on the roof.

For once, the fiberglass statue wasn't watching them.

Hep put a couple coins into the payphone, and pulled out a crumpled sheet of paper with some phone numbers on it. He found the number he was looking for, and dialed.

"Hi Minerva, it's Hep," he said, and listened for a moment. "Yeah, we got ourselves into a bit of shit."

Hep talked to Minerva for a few minutes, and got directions to her shop. He thanked her, and hung up.

"So who are we here to see?" Charlie asked.

"Well, Minerva. And Athena. I understand they build pipe organs now." Hep said.
"You gotta be fucking kidding me." Scroat said. "Pipe organs?"

"Yeah. After all, if you're going to build musical instruments, you might as well build really, really big ones." Hep said.

They rode off, and arrived at the shop about twenty minutes later. A discrete sign on the building told them that it was home to "Beatific Organ Co."

"Kind of a girly name," Charlie quipped.

"Don't let either of them hear you say that," Hep said. "Athena is fond of finding creative ways to dismember smart asses."

They went inside. Athena and Minerva were waiting to greet them in the lobby. Hep and Scroat said hello, then Hep introduced Charlie and Jim.

"Well, you guys dropped in at the right time. Our current opus is on hold, pending funding." Minerva said.

"We mostly sell organs to churches. Every now and then, they have trouble coming up with the cash, and we have to wait for them," Athena said.

"I bet some of those holy rollers would pop a vein if they knew who you two really are." Hep said.

"Doubtless," Minerva said, and smiled. "Well, come in, we'll show you our factory."

Minerva and Athena led the four through an office that was only remarkable because of the detailed drawings of pipe organs strewn around the room. They went through a double door and onto the factory floor.

There they were immediately dwarfed by a rank of bass pipes, easily twenty feet tall. They walked around that rank, and were able to see several organs in varying stages of completion.

"We've got three projects underway right now for paying customers, two that are on hold, and one organ that we're working on as a showpiece for our factory." Athena told them.

"I had no idea there was such a big market." Hep said.

"You wouldn't believe it if I told you," Minerva said. "Of course, it takes a long time to make a sale. A pipe organ isn't exactly an impulse purchase."

"Well, there was that one.." Athena started.

"...But that's hardly the norm," Minerva finished.

In another room, they heard someone sounding a particular note, seemingly at random intervals.

"Steve is rough tuning some of the pipes right now. Shall we adjourn to our office?" Minerva asked.

"Yes, let's do." Hep replied.

Minerva led them into her office, while Athena stayed in the shop and went back to work on one of the organs. She sat behind her desk, while Hep, Scroat and Charlie found chairs. Jim couldn't resist and went back out to the factory.

"So, the word on the street is that you guys are trying to unmake the world, in a roundabout way," Minerva said.

"No, no, we're trying to save the world in a roundabout way," Hep said. "And to be honest, we're just trying to return Tommy's tobacco pouch. All the threats of chaos-plunging and world-ending are from Seth."

"He was always sort of a jerk," Minerva said. "So, what brings you to our humble workshop?"

"I was hoping you and Athena might ride with us, at least for a while. Two of the gentlemen who were accompanying us got kidnapped, and the rest of their group went to look for them. So for the time being we could use an extra person or two. Just in case something goes down." Hep said.

"What makes you think we'll leave the shop and abandon our business for an undetermined length of time?" Minerva asked.

"Well, I'm guessing neither of you have gotten to righteously smite anyone for a while. Especially if most of your social contacts are priests. So far, there have been ample opportunities for smiting, and I expect there will be many more in the next several days. Also, last I checked, you weren't too keen on the end of the world. At least, just yet," Hep said.

"You can be so persuasive when you want to be," Minerva said.

"Stop that, please," she said to Scroat, who was fiddling with a detailed scale model of a pipe organ. "I haven't closed the sale for that organ yet." Scroat set the model back down and starting twiddling his thumbs.

Minerva sat back in her chair and closed her eyes, silent for a moment. "All right, we'll come with."

"Aren't you going to check with Athena?" Scroat asked.

"She's already got our bikes ready to go. We heard you were heading this way a couple days ago." Minerva said, and smiled.

They went out to the shop again, and saw that Athena was already in her leathers, rolling the bikes out the large doors in the back of the shop. They had a matching pair of black Harley-Davidson softails.

Athena came back in and closed the garage door, "So are we ready to go, or what?"

***

Dave and the UTMC crew were headed south, riding double-time to catch up with Hep and the guys. Jeb was still on the back of Dave's bike.

Dave was thinking hard about Jeb and the oddity of their experience in the cave. He was puzzled over how easy it was for them to get away. He had expected some kind of resistance, but they were able to get in and out without so much as tripping over a pile of tin cans. He had a hard time believing that Seth was so sloppy. That meant that either Seth got all the information he needed from another source, or that the passenger behind him was still in league with Seth.

He knew that folks like Hep and Scroat could and would suffer through a hell of a lot more than most people in order to achieve an end. He assumed that, like Hep and Scroat, Jeb was a god of some sort, or some kind of extra-human being, at any rate. He was certain that no mortal could keep living with his head twisted that far around.

Dave decided that they should head further east than he knew Hep was going, and see if trouble cropped up around them. If so, Jeb got the boot. If not, they could catch up with everyone else easily enough.

He led the UTCM crew into Delaware.

***

Hep, Scroat, Charlie, Jim, Minerva and Athena were heading south. They'd decided they would stop for the day in Durham, North Carolina.

As they rode through VA, the number of military memorials and monuments impressed them. They didn't stop at any of the memorials, or places where history happened, however. All of them had seen enough war remnants, and they were worried that if they stopped, Virginia might become the site of even more heavy history.

Just before they crossed the border into North Carolina, Hep saw a hitchhiker on the side of the road. As they got closer, he was shocked to see that it was a nun in a traditional habit. He pulled in and stopped, and the rest of the group pulled over behind him.

"Hi there, sister, where are you headed?" Hep asked.
"I'm trying to get to Charlotte," the nun said.

"Well, we're headed as far as Durham tonight. Want a lift?" Hep asked.

The nun looked around at the group. They looked like a dangerous bunch, but she didn't think they looked malicious.

"Yes, please. I'd love a ride," the nun said.

"Well, let me clear some room for you in the sidecar here," Hep said. In reality, there was plenty of room in the sidecar, but he wanted to give Jim an opportunity to move. Jim took the opportunity, as he thought occupying the same space as a nun would just be... weird. He moved to sit behind Hep.

"Thank you," the nun said. "My name is Sister Agnes."

"Your welcome, Sister. I'm Hep, that's Scroat, Charlie, Athena and Minerva," Hep said. He finished rummaging through the sidecar. "There, hop in."

Sister Agnes got in, and Hep pulled back onto the road.

***

They arrived in Durham, and Hep offered to buy Sister Agnes dinner. They ate at a place called Elmo's Diner. They ate, and talked among themselves. At one point during the dinner, Scroat turned to the nun.

"Sister, I'd like to talk to you about sin," he said.

Sister Agnes was mildly surprised. "Of course, what about sin specifically do you want to talk about?"

"Well, it seems to me that you nuns try to live a sin-free life," Scroat said.

"Well, yes," the nun said.

"Doesn't it get kind of boring?" Scroat asked.

"Certainly not, I am happy to spend my life in the Lord's service," the nun replied.

"Well, it seems to me that a major foundation of the church is forgiveness and redemption from sin," Scroat said.

"Yes?" Sister Agnes replied, somewhat wary.

"Well, in order for my sins to be forgiven, I'd need to sin, right?" Scroat asked.

"Umm, well.." Sister Agnes started.
"And since forgiveness is a pillar of the faith, it seems to me that sinning is fact vital to the continuation of your religion," Scroat continued.

"I don't understand what you're trying to say," Sister Agnes said.

"Well, what I'm saying is that sinning is vital to redemption, and therefore, sin is holy. Right?" Scroat said.

"Well, no that's not the..." she started to say.

"It is therefore my opinion that we should all go and get extremely fucking drunk, and find someone to have crazy, filthy, anonymous sex with in a tub full of baked beans, while there's still time. In order to get closer to God," Scroat concluded, with a smug smile.

It took a moment for Sister Agnes to process what Scroat had just said, because she couldn't believe what she just heard. She stood up, turned to Hep and thanked him kindly for dinner.

Then she turned back to Scroat and said, "I shall pray for you," and left the restaurant.

"Hey! Pray that I find a particularly hot piece of ass would ya? I haven't had a good fuck in weeks, it seems!" Scroat called after her.

Hep slapped him Scroat upside the head.

"What the hell did you do that for?" Scroat asked, rubbing the back of his head.

"Because that was just a dick move. She was just a sweet old lady." Hep said.

"Well, if I'd known you were going to get all butt-hurt about it, I would have kept my mouth shut. Though, you know, she's a nun. There's no way she was just a sweet old lady." Scroat said.

"Whatever. You're still a dick." Hep said.

***

Dave and the UTMCers stopped in Greensboro. They checked in to a cheap motel, and a couple of them ran to a nearby grocery store to get some cold cuts, bread and beer.

Dave helped Jeb into a room, and told him they'd be back in a bit, and that Hep would be meeting them there shortly. Then he gathered the rest of the crew and they went to gas up their bikes. Then they headed to the grocery store to meet the others. Once they were well stocked with food and beer, they headed to a nearby park to wait for about an hour.

Dave and Too Tall walked back to the motel to see if anything weird was happening there. Dave was mildly dismayed to see a group of fifty or so scooterists in red shirts hanging out in the parking lot of the motel.

"Crap. Well, now we know how we got away so easily the other day," Dave said. "Let's get out of here."

***

The UTMCers were well on their way to Virginia by the time Jeb realized that they weren't coming back, and that Hep and the rest probably weren't coming to meet them.

"Ooooh," he moaned, "this is not good."