Chapter 19

Hep dreamt he was at home, at his kitchen table. Tommy sat across from him.

"Hey buddy," Tommy said. "Heard Scroat blew your chances with a catholic school girl."

"No, he just offended an old nun," Hep replied.

"Too bad. The school girls are more fun," Tommy said, and laughed.

"You just aren't right in the head," Hep replied.

"Nope. But can you really say that you are?" Tommy asked.

"I can always rest assured that I'm not as fucked up as you are," Hep said.

Tommy laughed again, sat back and lit a cigarette.

"So where are you, Tommy? I'm getting pretty sick of playing courier," Hep said.

"Right now, I'm in Tallahassee. I'm going to start heading west though. Right now I'm barely two steps ahead of Seth and his flunkies," Tommy said. He took a big drag off his cigarette and exhaled slowly.

"So, how are you guys doing? I see you've ditched the mortals and picked up a couple of godly cuties," Tommy said.

"We haven't ditched anyone. The UTMC crew is going to catch up with us again soon. And the godly cuties can hold their own as well as we can," Hep said.

"I guess you'll find out. Say hi to the rest of your crew for me," Tommy said. He took another big drag off his cigarette and exhaled. The smoke enveloped him, and he disappeared.
"You're a tool, Tommy," Hep said.

***

Hep woke up the next morning in yet another motel and saw Charlie standing by the window, looking out. It looked like Scroat was still asleep.

"Hey," Hep said quietly.

"Hey, Hep," Charlie said.

Hep got out of bed and walked over to the window. "Anything interesting out there?"

"Not yet." Charlie said.

"Are you expecting something?" Hep asked.

"Always," Charlie said, "but today I've just got a weird feeling. Like we narrowly avoided something we weren't even aware of."

"Well, you've always been kind of paranoid," Hep said, and slapped Charlie on the back. He walked over to the kitchenette and started making some coffee.

"Paranoid people live longer, with more remaining limbs," Charlie said.

When the coffee was done, Hep poured himself a cup, then poured a cup for Charlie. He brought both cups back over to the window.

"So where to next, chief?" Charlie asked.

"I think our best bet will be Atlanta." Hep said. "Tommy says he's heading west now."

"Man, can't he just hole up and stay low-key like anyone else would?" Charlie said.

"Well, nothing pisses off your enemy more than a moving target," Hep said.

Hep finished his coffee and looked at the clock. Time to wake up Scroat.

***

Minerva and Athena heard Scroat yell "You nun-grabbing bag of festering shit!" through their wall. They hurried next door, to see what happened.

When they got in the room, they saw Hep, Scroat and Charlie sitting drinking coffee.

"What the hell was all the yelling?" Minerva asked.

"Just Scroat's wake up call," Hep said, with a straight face.

"Right. Ok, so how about some coffee?" Athena asked.
"Help yourself," Hep said.

Since they were all together, Hep told them the plan to go to Atlanta next. He explained that Tommy was heading west for the time being. He hoped that by going southwest, they'd be able to catch him before he got too far.

They went out and loaded up their bikes. In a matter of minutes they were on their way out of Durham. On the side of the road, Hep saw Sister Agnes hitchhiking again. He pulled over.

"Sorry about Scroat last night. His mouth gets away from him," Hep said. Sister Agnes looked unimpressed.

Hep continued, "We're on our way to Atlanta; I can give you a lift to Charlotte if you'd like."

"No thanks, I think I'll take my chances with a different batch of crazies this time. God bless." Sister Agnes said, and walked away.

Hep shrugged and turned back on to the road. He sped up to catch up with the rest of the gang, who hadn't pulled over with him when they saw it was the nun again.

***

The UTMC crew was riding south very quickly. They moved through traffic like a swarm of leather-clad hornets. While at a gas station in Durham (their location was a complete coincidence), Dave heard something that sounded kind of like a shopping cart rattling towards him. He turned to look, and saw a bird-like man riding a bicycle with no front tire towards him.

"Dave?" the man said.

"That's me."

"Hep and his friends are on their way to Atlanta. You just missed them," the man said.

"No shit? Thanks buddy," Dave said. "You know, that bike would be a lot easier to ride if it had a front tire on there."

"The noise scares spirits away. That's more important. Have a good day," the man said, and pedaled away.

The UTMCers left Durham. On their way out of town, Dave spotted a nun on the side of the road, hitchhiking. He pulled over and asked her if she needed a ride. The rest of the UTMC crew rolled in behind him. The nun looked at the dusty, greasy band of bikers in shock.

"Me and my big mouth," Sister Agnes muttered to herself. "Yes, I'm going to Charlotte," she said to Dave.

"Well, hop on," Dave said. She got on, and they got moving towards Charlotte. Sister Agnes quickly wished that she'd just sucked it up and ridden with Hep. Dave and his band of motorcycle crazies were riding so fast that she finally just squeezed her eyes shut and held on tightly to Dave's jacket.

***

Hep and the rest of his crew stopped in Charlotte to have a bite to eat. They were sitting outside at a MacDonald's, far away from any Ronald statues this time.

In the distance, and getting louder quickly, they heard a large group of motorcycles. Soon Charlie spotted Dave and the UTMC crew at a stoplight nearby. He stood up and walked closer to the street, and started waving his arms over his head.

Dave spotted him, and waved back quickly. When the light changed, they all pulled into the parking lot.

Sister Agnes saw Hep and Scroat, and exclaimed "Can't I get away from you people?" and walked off in a huff.

Dave watched her go. "Some gratitude," he said. "Hi guys! How've you been?"

"Not bad," Hep said. He pointed to Minerva and Athena, "Dave, this is Minerva and Athena. Ladies, Dave and the Uniformly Terrific Motorcycle Crazies."

The UTMC crew all introduced themselves, and then a couple of them went into the restaurant to get some burgers for the group.

Once they had all eaten, they rolled out en masse and rode towards Atlanta.

***

Jeb found himself back in the cave. It was still unpleasant, but at least his neck wasn't broken any more. For now, at least.

"Jeb, you disappoint me. I gave you such a simple task. All you had to do was stay with the motorcyclists and let me know when they caught up with Hep," Seth said.

"Well, I am a god of bad luck," Jeb said petulantly.

"I'm sorry, perhaps you forgot who is working for who in this relationship. Allow me to refresh your memory," Seth said.

Pain ripped through Jeb's body. He was lifted off the floor and thrown into the air. He landed and was impaled on a stalagmite. He twitched and clawed at the spike protruding from his stomach.

"Oh my, that was rather bad luck indeed," Seth said.

"I should have just figured out a way to pay Scroat back," Jeb said to himself.

"What's that?" Seth asked.

"Nothing." Jeb said.

"Good," Seth replied. "I think I'll leave you in here for a while, to think about what we talked about. See you in a week or so."

Seth left the cave. Jeb moaned to himself.

***

Hep, Scroat, Charlie, Jim, Minerva, Athena, Dave and the rest of the UTMCers rode swiftly towards Atlanta. Minerva and Athena had a hard time adjusting to Dave's crew and their need to stop for gas on a regular basis. Just like Hep and Scroat, their bikes never needed maintenance.

They stopped in Hartwell, Georgia, because Scroat - of all of them - wanted to see the Center of The World. He was disappointed when he got there to find that it was not, in fact, the landmark mentioned in another book about roadtripping gods that he had enjoyed. No, this Center of the World was the Cherokee Indian equivalent to saying "All roads lead to Rome."

"I guess I'm rubbing off on you, eh?" Hep said to Scroat.

"You'd better not. That's fucking disgusting, you sick monkey," Scroat replied.

They mounted up again and rolled on towards Atlanta.