Scroat was enjoying the attentions of 2 ladies when Hep spotted his bike outside Sue's Fantasy Club. Hep pulled in, and wandered into the club.
"Good evening sir" a provocatively dressed hostess said. "What's your pleasure tonight?"
"Well, I'll be pleased just to avail myself of your bar. My friend is currently enjoying some of your other pleasures, I believe. I'm just waiting for him." Hep replied.
"I see. Well, right this way sir." She led him to the bar, and he sat on one of the stools.
"What can I get you?" the bartender asked.
"Got any ouzo?"
"Any what now?" the bartender asked.
"Just a beer will be fine, thanks." Hep replied.
"Make it two" a woman said as she sat next to Hep. "Hi there, big fella."
"Hi there." Hep said.
"Don't look so uncomfortable," she said. "I'm just waiting for my husband to finish up. It's his birthday, you know."
"Well, happy birthday to him, I guess." Hep said.
The woman offered her hand. "I'm Rita."
Hep shook her hand and said "Hep. Pleased to meet you."
"The pleasure is all mine. Are those motorcycles out front yours?"
"Yep."
"Where are you headed?" She asked.
"Well, the plan is to eventually meet up with a friend in Minnesota."
Rita leaned in closer to Hep. "Really? You're quite the road warriors then. You know, there's nothing I like better than a long, hard ride."
"Get your hand out of his jacket, ma'am" a voice said. Rita looked around, and shrieked when Jim appeared in front of her. She ran screaming out of the club. Hep checked his pockets quickly, and was relieved to find the tobacco pouch was still there.
Two huge bouncers appeared almost instantly in the bar.
"BOOGA! BOOGA! BOOGA!" Jim yelled and drifter closer to them. The bouncers looked at each other and split.
The bartender started throwing bottles at Jim. Of course, they just went through him and smashed on the floor and wall behind him.
"What the fuck is wrong with you two?" Scroat said as he hurried into the bar tightening his belt. "I was having a really good time with two lovely ladies, and suddenly there's a commotion out here and they both take off. I wasn't even done yet! Why do you have to wreck my good times? You guys are complete dicks."
"We gotta go. I'll buy you a nudie mag, I promise, but we have to get out of Dodge. Now."
They hustled out to the bikes and got moving.
"Where are we going?" Scroat yelled to Hep as they rode out of town.
"Utah!" Hep yelled back.
"Dammit. You're worse than hemorrhoids! Even Idaho would be better than Utah." Scroat hollered.
"Yeah, but Utah is safer for now. I'll explain it to you later." Hep said.
***
They stopped at a gas station just before the border of Utah, and Hep went in and bought Scroat a couple of girlie magazines.
He handed them to Scroat "Here, I got you 'Cheri' and 'Hawk.'"
"You're still a dick." Scroat said.
"Yep. So look, apparently there are some folks out there who don't want us to get this pouch back to Tommy." Hep said.
"Shit, I don't want us to get it back to Tommy. I want to go back to Sue's fucking Fantasy Club and bust a nut." Scroat glared at Hep.
"Yeah, but you know that we have to get this pouch back to him. And I doubt you're going to be very welcome at Sue's ever again. You might have to try Mona's Ranch." Hep said. "And I think we met one of the trouble-makers, or at least somebody working for them, already.
He continued, "Anyway, we need to keep low-key for a while. You know as well as I do what will happen if we screw this up."
"Remind me to kick Tommy in the balls when we see him." Scroat said.
"Duly noted." Hep said. "Shall we continue?"
"In a minute. Does this place have a bathroom? 'Cheri' and I need some, uh, personal party time." Scroat leered at Hep.
"There's no time for that shit. We need to get into Utah." Hep said.
"Fuck Hep, the whole state will probably burst into flame the second we set foot there."
"I guess we'll just have to take that chance. Let's go."
***
Hep, Scroat and Jim were fortunate in that Utah did not, in fact, burst into flame the second they crossed the border.
They found a tiny, run down motel and checked in. The rooms were tidy enough, but very, very old. The colors and design looked like they had been updated last in the early 1970's.
There were also a hell of a lot of paintings of Jesus on the walls.
"You ever meet him?" Scroat asked.
"Yeah, once. Nice guy." Hep said.
"Ok, seriously you two, you're not helping me get used to the fact that I'm traveling with two gods." Jim said.
"What the fuck are you talking about there, ghost-man? You're dead. Dickens would compare you to a doornail. Personally, I'd compare you to a bug on my visor. Anyway, it's a little late for you to be feeling weird about anything." Scroat said.
"Whatever."
"Say, how did you managed to show up at exactly the right time to stop that lady from picking my pocket?" Hep asked Jim.
"Shit, he was hiding out all invisible trying to see how a real man satisfies two ladies." Scroat said.
"Fuck off, Scroat" Jim said. "The Commercial casino has ghosts. I got to talking with some of them, and mentioned you guys had gotten me out of the forest. They told me they'd heard that some people were looking for you to steal something you're carrying. So I left the casino and started looking for your bikes. It was just luck that I got there when I did.
"So what's the deal with this pouch anyway? Why would someone want it so bad?" Jim asked.
"Well, let's just say that if you wanted to plunge the world into chaos, keeping Tommy from getting his property back would be a good way to start." Hep said.
"Why? Will Tommy hulk out, or something?"
"Nope. But there are some rules that really can't be broken." Hep said. "Basically, if Tommy is prevented from following his own mythology, his world will start to unravel. So we have to play along with his game."
"I don't get it." Jim said.
"Well, that's ok, because you're stupid and just a dead human. Don't worry, we still like you." Scroat said.
"Hey!" Jim said.
"Nah, he's right Jim." Hep said.
"Fuck you guys." Jim said.
"That's the spirit," Scroat said. "Now if you two will excuse me, I've got a date in the bathroom."
Hep got out a map, and started planning their next move. Wyoming was closer and less populated than Colorado, but Hep had friends in Denver.
He decided it might be best to blast through Wyoming, and then drop in to Denver.
"So Jim," Hep said, "What's your deal?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, how does a ghost end up in the middle of a redwood forest?" Hep asked.
"Well, it's kind of a dumb story."
"Aren't they all? 'Fess up!" Hep leaned forward.
"Well, you know there are people who protest logging the redwood forests, right? They climb up into the trees and live there so loggers won't cut them down."
"Right." Hep said.
"I was one of those protester and..."
"What? They cut down the tree with you in it? That's cold." Hep said.
"No, I picked a diseased tree. One night the wind was particularily strong, and the tree toppled with me in it while I was sleeping. I landed under it. I'm still there, actually."
Hep stared at Jim.
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" Hep said. "I tell you what, next time someone asks how you died in the middle of the forest, tell them you were attacked by a pack of bears."
Scroat came out of the bathroom looking relieved.
"I'm still pissed off at you guys, but I guess I won't have to kill you in your sleep." He climbed into one of the beds.
"Damn, this bed has got to be older than me." He said. "Good night, jerks."
"I think I'm going to go see what's going on elsewhere in the motel." Jim said.
Scroat mumbled from the bed "I told you he gets his rocks off looking by hiding and looking at other people's junk."
"Have fun, Jim." Hep said. "Try not to scare the bejeezus out of anyone, unless they really deserve it. Or at least have the decency to come get us so we can watch the hilarity ensue."
Chapter 8
Hep woke up early and wandered down to the lobby to grab some of the flyers for nearby attractions. He ignored the ones for Oregon, and looked at those for Nevada and Idaho. One in particular caught his eye.
"World's largest polar bear, and a coffee bar? I guess a detour is in order." Hep thought to himself. He grabbed a Styrofoam cup of bad coffee and walked back to the room.
Scroat was still sleeping, and Jim was idly thumbing through the Gideon's bible when Hep got in. Hep nodded to Jim and put a finger up to his lips. "Be vewy, vewy quiet."
He picked up his hammer and walked over to where Scroat was sleeping, lifted the hammer, and forcefully swung it down into the bed, inches from Scroat's ear.
"You rotten, cock-biting bastard! Could you at least let me sleep in a bit? I did battle a giant last night, I'm a little worn out." Scroat said.
"There's no time. We've got to get to Nevada today."
"Nevada? I thought we were going through Idaho. What's going on?" Jim asked.
"A change of plan, that's all." Hep said.
Scroat tried to give Hep a suspicious look, but he couldn't suppress his grin. "Aw, Hep. You do love me."
"Meh. You're ok, but I saw that Nevada is home to the world's largest polar bear. And there's a coffee shop close by." Hep said.
Scroat scowled at Hep. "A polar bear and a coffee shop? You're the kind of guy who would promise little kids he would take them to Disneyworld, and then takes them to a fucking burned down warehouse instead and says 'Oh no, Disneyworld's burned down! Tough shit, kiddies!'"
"There's also a casino attached to the coffee shop and it's in Nevada. You ought to be able to stay entertained while I marvel at a big bear and drink coffee." Hep said.
They rode south into Nevada. When they reached Imlay, they found a grocery store and got some food, water, cigars and other essentials. Then they rode out and found the Thunder Mountain Park. Once there, they pulled out their food and ate a bit.
"So, where are you guys actually from?" Jim asked. "I mean, you two don't exactly look like you're from around here."
"Well, I'm Greek, " Hep said. "I guess you could say I'm from Olympus, though I was thrown out. Then they let me back in."
"What's the deal with that?" Jim asked.
"Well, my mom was kind of a bitch." Hep said.
"Yeah, your mom was more than kind of a bitch. She's the bitch that others aspire to be." Scroat said.
"You want to talk about fucked up relatives, Scroat? Or, should I say, relatives you fucked?"
"Aw, fuck you."
Jim looked distinctly uncomfortable. "Umm... so where are you from, Scroat?"
"Australia."
"So how did you two end up in the United States?"
"I think it was all that damn tequila we drank in Mexico. We got lost, came north on a whim, and decided we'd hang out here for a while." Scroat said.
"Umm... so how did you get to Mexico?" Jim asked.
"How the fuck should I know? I was shit-faced. Hell, I'd be shit-faced right now if we weren't on an epic quest." Scroat said, then took a large bite of beef jerky.
"How did you end up in Mexico, Hep?" Jim said.
"Well, I'd met up with another blacksmith, and he thought it'd be fun to meet the Aztecs. They turned out to be a lot less fun than we were expecting." Hep said.
"Let's go check out this park." Hep started walking into the park. It was really less of a park, and more a tribute to the amazing properties of concrete and scrapyard junk.
Scroat stopped to admire a sculpture of a naked woman. "Hot damn, I could go for some of that."
Hep noticed a sculpture of a Native American man holding a disembodied, blond head with a forked tongue sticking out.
"Hey Scroat, think this head is one of your relatives?" Hep asked.
"Hey Hep, why don't you go eat a heaping bowl of shit?" Scroat replied. "Have you seen enough of this place yet? I can't believe we're in Nevada, looking at some crazy guy's art. You know that gambling and prostitution are legal here, right? He started stomping back to his bike.
Jim was flying through some of the pretzel-like arches. If he were actually bound by laws of physics, his aeronautics would have been impressive.
"Let's go Jim" Hep said.
***
They were riding east when the thunderstorm rolled in. There wasn't anywhere for them to pull in, so they just kept riding as the sky got more and more black.
One drop of rain hit them. Then two. Then the gates opened and it started raining so hard they couldn't see more than ten feet in front of them.
And then, as quickly as it started, it stopped.
"What the hell was that?" Jim asked, shocked.
"Welcome to the desert, Jim." Hep said.
***
They got into Elko around three in the afternoon. Hep spotted the White King statue almost immediately, rode up and parked his bike.
He walked over to Scroat and said "Well buddy, I know you're itching for some kind of action, and there's a casino right here."
"Fuck gambling, I saw four different whorehouses. Right now, the only thing I'm going to do is try to decide between Sue's Fantasy Club and Inez's Dancing & Diddling. I'll catch you later, chump." Scroat said, and rode off.
"How about you Jim?" Hep asked.
"Well, I wouldn't mind seeing the bear. But then I think I'm going to go into the casino and see what that's like."
"Alrighty then." Hep said, and strolled into the Commercial Hotel & Casino's coffee shop.
***
Hep and Jim stood gawking at the 10 foot tall polar bear, entirely out of place in a coffee shop so far south of the Arctic Circle.
Jim quietly said "Well, that's pretty neat. I'm going to go check out the casino."
Hep sipped his coffee and kept looking at the bear.
Not too long after that, a familiar voice next to Hep drawled "That's a mighty big bear."
"Howdy Elvis." Hep said.
"Hey there." Elvis replied.
"What's the good word?" Hep asked.
"Well, according to the grapevine, some bad eggs heard about you and that thing of Tommy's. Sounds like they want to make sure he doesn't get it back." Elvis said.
"Oh yeah? Any idea who these people are?"
"Nope." Elvis said.
"Hmm. Thanks for the info, buddy. You want some coffee?"
"Nah, I gotta get down to Vegas, since I'm here in Nevada anyway. I haven't been there for years, you know. I heard they got guys who dress up like me and jump out of airplanes." Elvis looked skeptical.
"No shit? Man, that'd be a sight."
"Yep. Well, you take care of yourself." Elvis put his sunglasses on and started to leave.
"Sure thing." Hep said.
He got another copy, and sat down, staring at the giant bear. He lifted his cup to the bear and said "You're a long way from home, friend."
Hep thought about what Elvis had told him. If people were out to stop them, they'd have to stay low key. Brawling with Jeb in the middle of town probably hadn't been such a good idea.
If he didn't get Tommy's tobacco pouch back to him, bad things would start to happen. Should they fuck up somehow, they'd be contradicting a myth. That might not be so bad if they were all part of the same pantheon, but they weren't. If Hep broke the rules laid out by Tommy's mythology, Tommy's entire reality would no longer be valid.
Would Tommy disappear? Probably not, but things certainly wouldn't go well for Tommy. Bad luck would start to follow him. Really bad luck. And pretty soon, Tommy would die in an ugly way.
And since one mythology had unraveled, the others would be that much easier to destroy.
They were going to need to be careful.
Hep finished his coffee and left. He had to go find Scroat.
"World's largest polar bear, and a coffee bar? I guess a detour is in order." Hep thought to himself. He grabbed a Styrofoam cup of bad coffee and walked back to the room.
Scroat was still sleeping, and Jim was idly thumbing through the Gideon's bible when Hep got in. Hep nodded to Jim and put a finger up to his lips. "Be vewy, vewy quiet."
He picked up his hammer and walked over to where Scroat was sleeping, lifted the hammer, and forcefully swung it down into the bed, inches from Scroat's ear.
"You rotten, cock-biting bastard! Could you at least let me sleep in a bit? I did battle a giant last night, I'm a little worn out." Scroat said.
"There's no time. We've got to get to Nevada today."
"Nevada? I thought we were going through Idaho. What's going on?" Jim asked.
"A change of plan, that's all." Hep said.
Scroat tried to give Hep a suspicious look, but he couldn't suppress his grin. "Aw, Hep. You do love me."
"Meh. You're ok, but I saw that Nevada is home to the world's largest polar bear. And there's a coffee shop close by." Hep said.
Scroat scowled at Hep. "A polar bear and a coffee shop? You're the kind of guy who would promise little kids he would take them to Disneyworld, and then takes them to a fucking burned down warehouse instead and says 'Oh no, Disneyworld's burned down! Tough shit, kiddies!'"
"There's also a casino attached to the coffee shop and it's in Nevada. You ought to be able to stay entertained while I marvel at a big bear and drink coffee." Hep said.
They rode south into Nevada. When they reached Imlay, they found a grocery store and got some food, water, cigars and other essentials. Then they rode out and found the Thunder Mountain Park. Once there, they pulled out their food and ate a bit.
"So, where are you guys actually from?" Jim asked. "I mean, you two don't exactly look like you're from around here."
"Well, I'm Greek, " Hep said. "I guess you could say I'm from Olympus, though I was thrown out. Then they let me back in."
"What's the deal with that?" Jim asked.
"Well, my mom was kind of a bitch." Hep said.
"Yeah, your mom was more than kind of a bitch. She's the bitch that others aspire to be." Scroat said.
"You want to talk about fucked up relatives, Scroat? Or, should I say, relatives you fucked?"
"Aw, fuck you."
Jim looked distinctly uncomfortable. "Umm... so where are you from, Scroat?"
"Australia."
"So how did you two end up in the United States?"
"I think it was all that damn tequila we drank in Mexico. We got lost, came north on a whim, and decided we'd hang out here for a while." Scroat said.
"Umm... so how did you get to Mexico?" Jim asked.
"How the fuck should I know? I was shit-faced. Hell, I'd be shit-faced right now if we weren't on an epic quest." Scroat said, then took a large bite of beef jerky.
"How did you end up in Mexico, Hep?" Jim said.
"Well, I'd met up with another blacksmith, and he thought it'd be fun to meet the Aztecs. They turned out to be a lot less fun than we were expecting." Hep said.
"Let's go check out this park." Hep started walking into the park. It was really less of a park, and more a tribute to the amazing properties of concrete and scrapyard junk.
Scroat stopped to admire a sculpture of a naked woman. "Hot damn, I could go for some of that."
Hep noticed a sculpture of a Native American man holding a disembodied, blond head with a forked tongue sticking out.
"Hey Scroat, think this head is one of your relatives?" Hep asked.
"Hey Hep, why don't you go eat a heaping bowl of shit?" Scroat replied. "Have you seen enough of this place yet? I can't believe we're in Nevada, looking at some crazy guy's art. You know that gambling and prostitution are legal here, right? He started stomping back to his bike.
Jim was flying through some of the pretzel-like arches. If he were actually bound by laws of physics, his aeronautics would have been impressive.
"Let's go Jim" Hep said.
***
They were riding east when the thunderstorm rolled in. There wasn't anywhere for them to pull in, so they just kept riding as the sky got more and more black.
One drop of rain hit them. Then two. Then the gates opened and it started raining so hard they couldn't see more than ten feet in front of them.
And then, as quickly as it started, it stopped.
"What the hell was that?" Jim asked, shocked.
"Welcome to the desert, Jim." Hep said.
***
They got into Elko around three in the afternoon. Hep spotted the White King statue almost immediately, rode up and parked his bike.
He walked over to Scroat and said "Well buddy, I know you're itching for some kind of action, and there's a casino right here."
"Fuck gambling, I saw four different whorehouses. Right now, the only thing I'm going to do is try to decide between Sue's Fantasy Club and Inez's Dancing & Diddling. I'll catch you later, chump." Scroat said, and rode off.
"How about you Jim?" Hep asked.
"Well, I wouldn't mind seeing the bear. But then I think I'm going to go into the casino and see what that's like."
"Alrighty then." Hep said, and strolled into the Commercial Hotel & Casino's coffee shop.
***
Hep and Jim stood gawking at the 10 foot tall polar bear, entirely out of place in a coffee shop so far south of the Arctic Circle.
Jim quietly said "Well, that's pretty neat. I'm going to go check out the casino."
Hep sipped his coffee and kept looking at the bear.
Not too long after that, a familiar voice next to Hep drawled "That's a mighty big bear."
"Howdy Elvis." Hep said.
"Hey there." Elvis replied.
"What's the good word?" Hep asked.
"Well, according to the grapevine, some bad eggs heard about you and that thing of Tommy's. Sounds like they want to make sure he doesn't get it back." Elvis said.
"Oh yeah? Any idea who these people are?"
"Nope." Elvis said.
"Hmm. Thanks for the info, buddy. You want some coffee?"
"Nah, I gotta get down to Vegas, since I'm here in Nevada anyway. I haven't been there for years, you know. I heard they got guys who dress up like me and jump out of airplanes." Elvis looked skeptical.
"No shit? Man, that'd be a sight."
"Yep. Well, you take care of yourself." Elvis put his sunglasses on and started to leave.
"Sure thing." Hep said.
He got another copy, and sat down, staring at the giant bear. He lifted his cup to the bear and said "You're a long way from home, friend."
Hep thought about what Elvis had told him. If people were out to stop them, they'd have to stay low key. Brawling with Jeb in the middle of town probably hadn't been such a good idea.
If he didn't get Tommy's tobacco pouch back to him, bad things would start to happen. Should they fuck up somehow, they'd be contradicting a myth. That might not be so bad if they were all part of the same pantheon, but they weren't. If Hep broke the rules laid out by Tommy's mythology, Tommy's entire reality would no longer be valid.
Would Tommy disappear? Probably not, but things certainly wouldn't go well for Tommy. Bad luck would start to follow him. Really bad luck. And pretty soon, Tommy would die in an ugly way.
And since one mythology had unraveled, the others would be that much easier to destroy.
They were going to need to be careful.
Hep finished his coffee and left. He had to go find Scroat.
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