Chapter 15

Hep woke up to the sound of churning and bubbling. As his synapses slowly started to fire again, he noticed the smell of coffee. Maybe it wasn't going to be such a bad day.

Then he noticed Scroat was out of bed already and hanging out near the coffee maker.

"Morning." Hep said. "What are you doing up already?"

"Those cheese-dicked scooterists beat up a little more than I thought last night. I couldn't stand to be in bed any longer, since there wasn't a comfy way to lay there." Scroat answered.

The coffee pot stopped making all that noise, and Scroat poured himself a cup right away. "You want some?" He asked Hep.

"Please." Hep said, and stretched. He noticed he was pretty sore too, but taking on ten attackers was always a bit of a work out.

"Awwww, shit." Charlie said as he woke up. "Are we getting old or something? I guess it's been a while since I've gone clubbing." Hep and Scroat winced at his pun.

"Man, we should pour some of that coffee on the floor in here, and cover up the wet dog smell." Charlie said.

As they each took their turn in the bathroom, the phone rang again. Hep answered it.

"Hey Hep. I've got some good news. Seth's boys didn't catch Tommy. The slippery S.O.B. must have caught wind of them, and he split. I don't know where he is, but he's probably headed further East." Elvis told him.

"Good to know. Have you heard anything else?" Hep asked.

"Nothing important, though I hear that campground you stayed at has a new "No Motorcycles" rule. I guess you guys caused quite a ruckus." Elvis told him.

"Caused nothing! We just finished it." Hep said. "Thanks for the update, Elvis."

Hep hung up the phone. He wondered where Tommy could be headed. Tommy didn't really have too many friends left on the East Coast, although to be honest he didn't have many friends left period. Hep guessed that he might be hoping to blend in with the crowds in New York City, or Washington D.C., but he knew there was really no telling where the heck Tommy might be going.

Once they were all ready, they trooped down to the breakfast buffet with the UTMC crew. The old folks and business travelers were visibly disturbed by the intrusion of a gang of leather-wearing, exhaust-smelling, greasy-looking bikers, but they all managed to eat in peace. Thankfully, the coffee was drinkable, and the food wasn't too bad.

As they left, one of the old men stopped Hep and asked, "Are you one of them outlaw motorcycle gangs?"

Hep smiled, "No sir, we're just a couple of friendly local deities, on our way to rescue a friend in danger of losing his reality and plunging the world into total chaos."

The old man sputtered "W-what?"

Hep continued, "These gentlemen are our traveling companions and friends, and I'm sure they'd be disturbed to know the locals think they're outlaws. They're all fine, upstanding, tax-paying citizens, just like you. They can't stand those outlaws. They might have a little more piss and vinegar in them than most young men, but when you've battled the legions of hell and elsewhere, and come out victorious, well, you get a little exuberant at times."

The old man gasped, "The legions of what?"

Hep smiled. "You and your wife have a nice day," he said.

***

The crew rode east, into Ohio.

***

Hep first met Tommy shortly after he and Scroat had gotten to America. They were exploring the Midwest, and Tommy came to where they were camped and introduced himself. Naturally, they invited him to stay and eat with them.

Tommy was an entertaining guy, and they had a great time talking with him that night. He took his leave of them after the moon had set. Hep and Scroat started to go to sleep when Hep noticed that Tommy had left his tobacco pouch behind. He tossed it to Scroat, and told him to run after Tommy and give it back.

Scroat did, and when he got there, Tommy invited both of them to his home for dinner. Scroat naturally accepted the invitation.

What neither he nor Hep knew was that Tommy's hut was a three day hike to reach. They got there, and Tommy did his best to be a gracious host. Unfortunately, everything went wrong. Animals had stolen the food he'd set aside. He had trouble getting a fire going, and smoked them all out of the hut. Then it started pouring rain.

Hep and Scroat were, of course, grateful for Tommy's attempt, and they left on good terms.

The next time they saw him was 50 years later, when they'd established themselves in the southwestern desert. Once again, they invited him to stay for dinner. Once again, he left, and Hep discovered he'd left his tobacco pouch behind. This time, he suggested that Scroat just get close enough to throw it to Tommy, so Tommy wouldn't be able to invite them to his home.

Of course, when Scroat got close enough to throw it, Tommy asked him to come closer. Scroat did, and Tommy once again invited them to his home. Scroat really didn't have any choice but to accept. So, they made the long trek to the Midwest.

This time there was a dramatic storm that flattened Tommy's hut just as he started cooking. Naturally, after the storm passed Hep and Scroat thanked him, and left.

He'd show up a few times since, playing the same old game, and Hep had worked with him for a while. They traveled the small towns of the U.S., where Tommy would con people into buying products he had no intention of delivering. Hep was along because, bad legs or not, he was strong and scary-looking. If Tommy got himself into a situation that he couldn't talk his way out of, well, Hep didn't need to say much to get rid of trouble. If trouble foolishly chose to persist, Hep would quickly show it the error of its way.

Hep eventually tired of being a thug, preferring to build things and be left alone to tinker. So, he left Tommy in a bar and hadn't seen him since, until Tommy's most recent visit.

***

After the appalling boredom of the road for the last several days, Ohio was almost overwhelming with the quantity and quality of weird things to look at on the sides of the roads.

They were trying to stay off the main roads, and so found themselves tooling along forgotten backroads, and towns most people had never heard of. In Gilboa, they saw a statue of a giant bull to one side of the road. Thankfully, no one was home in the bull. In Findlay, they saw a sign advertising that the Bathtub of the USS Maine was on display. Hep had no idea why anyone would want to see that, but was amused by its presence all the same.

In Mansfield, they saw a sign letting them know that the "Living Bible Museum" was nearby. Hep's curiosity was too difficult to overcome, and he led them to it to take the tour.

The workers at the museum looked mildly concerned as 11 filthy bikers filed in, but they quickly warmed to them as they paid admission and managed to avoid doing anything too vulgar within the first 30 seconds of getting inside.

They were led around a wax museum chock full of scenes from the bible. In one, Job's face was covered with hideous sores. In another, Lot's wife turned to a pillar of salt.

Scroat quipped to Hep, "Seems to me Lot lucked out there." Hep elbowed Scroat in the side and told him to shut up.

At the gift shop was a wax figure of Cesear, by a sign that said "Rend unto Cesear the things which are Cesear's, and unto God the things which are God's."

"Tasteful." Charlie said.

As they left, Scroat said, "Man, Jehovah sure used to stick it to people, didn't he?"

"Oh yeah, nobody smote like Yahweh smote." Hep replied.

***

They stopped at Willow Lake Park in Medina to camp for the night. As night fell they got a good fire going and they all sat around it, passing a bottle of whiskey and telling jokes that got raunchier, and less coherent, as the bottle made it's rounds.

Eventually just Hep and Dave were still awake.

"So where the hell are you taking up, Hep?" Dave asked.

"Well, I'm not exactly sure yet. East is as much as I know right now." Hep replied.

"Is there a reason we're going East? Who the hell are these guys after you?" Dave asked him.

"Well, we're going East to find Tommy. I've got something that belongs to him, and I need to give it back. They guys who are after me want to get it before I can return it to Tommy." Hep told him.

"Uh huh. What have you got that's so important?" Dave asked.

"Tommy's tobacco pouch." Hep answered.

"A tobacco pouch? Why is that so valuable? Is there wacky tobacco in there?" Dave asked, and smirked.

"Nope. It's valuable because it's valuable to Tommy." Hep said. He didn't want to tell Dave what was going on, because he was worried they'd split if they found out Seth was behind the whole mess. The UTMC crew had been through some weird shit with Hep and Scroat in the past, but nothing as bad as a God whose sole interest is utter destruction and chaos.

"Well, alright," Dave said. "I don't get it, but I'm sure it's all going to become apparent soon anyway. Good night, Hep." Dave got up and went to find a good spot to sleep.

"Good night." Hep said. He slept over by Scroat and Charlie.

***

In Hep's dream, he and Tommy were sitting in a smoke-filled teepee. His eyes were burning, and it was all he could do to keep from coughing.

"What the hell, Tommy? You don't live in a teepee." Hep said.

"Hey, it's not my fucking dream, Hep. If you don't like it, why don't you fix it?" Tommy said.

Hep focused for a minute, and the smoke disappeared. "That's better," he said.

"Yep. So, here I am. What do you want to talk to me about?" Tommy asked.

"I want to know where the heck you're headed." Hep said. "No one seems to know where the hell you are."

"Damn straight!" Tommy said. "It'll be bad enough if Seth gets his mitts on my tobacco pouch. The last thing I need is for him to take me out of the picture so you can't ever return it."

"So where are you going? I don't want to lead these guys all over the country for nothing." Hep said.

"It's not for nothing. This is the way it has to be. If it could be another way, it would be," Tommy said. "Keep heading east. Right now I'm going to Baltimore, though that could change any time.

"Don't worry, pal. I'll let you know how to find me when it's time." Tommy said, and winked. "Now, why don't you dream about something fun for a change? Want me to send a couple girls over?"

"Get bent, Tommy." Hep said.

"Your loss. See ya later, Hep." Tommy said, stood up and left the teepee.