Chapter 30

Hep felt very strange all morning, since waking Scroat up with his hammer had become an important part of his morning routine after two hundred years. He contemplated trying to wake up Charlie, but then thought the ensuing fight might not be worth the brief entertainment.

Charlie, being a war god as well as a blacksmith, tended to be a little grouchy in the morning.

As it was, he started the coffee, and then took a shower. He wondered if the restaurant would have a decent continental breakfast for them. He hoped they'd have good bagels.

When he got out of the shower, Charlie was up, drinking coffee. "Good morning," he said to Hep.

"Morning. Sleep ok?" Hep asked.

"Well enough. You?"

"Yeah. Dreamt of home." Hep said.

"Me too. I hope we can get in and out of Minnesota in a hurry. That cold climate bugs the hell out of me. At least in Aspen when my balls get cold I can go work at my forge for a while." Charlie said.

Hep grunted. "Let's go find some grub," he said.

They walked next door (Charlie drifter) and knocked until Minerva answered the door in a terry cloth robe.

"Good morning. We're going to head down and see what they've got to eat at this place." Hep said.

"Ok, we'll be down in a while," Minerva said and closed the door again.

Hep and the other two then wandered over to the room Tommy, Dave and Too Tall were in. They knocked, and Dave answered the door. Dave and the others were already dressed.

"Good morning, want to get some breakfast?" Hep asked.

"Yep, let's go," Dave said. The six of them went down to the lobby/dining room and were pleased to find that this particular Super 8 had an unusually generous breakfast spread. Hep was mainly glad that they had decent bagels and coffee.

They had all finished eating and were drinking coffee when Athena and Minerva came down. They ate quickly, and added a lot of cream to their coffee so they could drink it in a hurry.

Once they were finished, they all returned to their rooms to get their things, and then they checked out and loaded up their bikes again.

"So how far is it to Mankato?" Charlie asked Hep.

"About five hours if we ride straight through," Hep said.

"Think we'll run into anything funny on the way?" Charlie asked.

"Probably not in Iowa. Who knows what might happen in Minnesota, though," Hep said.

"Think we'll bump into Thor or any of that crew in Minnesota?"

"Nah, last I heard he was living way, way north. And the rest of them have been keeping to themselves." Hep said.

They fired up their bikes, and started riding into Iowa.

Iowa was exceedingly dull to ride through. They passed a water tower that was painted as a smiley face, which brightened everyone's mood slightly. It would be hard not to feel a little cheerful seeing a smiley face that big, Hep thought.

When they hit Des Moines, they started heading north. Apart from many, many, many corn fields, there really wasn't anything interesting to look at until they got to Clear Lake, which was just shy of the Minnesota border.

"Want to stop and see where Buddy Holly's plane crashed?" Charlie asked Hep when they stopped to stretch.

"Nah. Those three weren't all that great. If they hadn't crashed, no one would even remember them," Hep said.

"That's a little harsh, don't you think?" Charlie said.

"Well, what can I say?" Hep replied.

They continued north, and soon crossed the border into Minnesota.

Soon they saw some signs advertising the Spam museum nearby in Austin. If it weren't a detour, Hep would have liked to go. As it was, they kept riding until they got to Mankato. There, they stopped on the north side of town at a Happy Chef restaurant. There was a huge Happy Chef statue, smiling and holding a gigantic wooden spoon to one side of the restaurant. They parked on the other side of the lot from the statue, and walked into the restaurant keeping one eye on the statue until they were sure it wasn't going to try anything funny.

As it was, the statue was overjoyed to see them. Of course, being a happy chef, he was happy to see any one, but he was extra happy to see the seven of them (and their transparent friend). He hoped they'd stop by to chat before they left. He had so much he wanted to tell them!

Hep and the crew went into the Happy Chef. It was every bit a Minnesota family restaurant, with vinyl booths, as well as regular tables with cheap metal chairs, and table cloths under clear plastic.

"So what are we going to do from here?" Minerva asked.

"I think we should find a place to sleep and then head out for Brainerd tomorrow." Charlie said.

"That doesn't sound like a bad idea to me," Hep said. There was a motel right next door, and he wanted to explore Mankato a bit, since he'd heard there was some other amusing things to see. He was particularly interested to see what he'd heard was the ugliest buffalo statue ever erected, placed there to memorialize something like thirty American Indians who had been hung on one day in Mankato.

It sounded like a pretty shitty memorial to Hep, and he was curious to see this ode to bad taste himself.

Their waitress came over to the table. She was a cute, chubby girl with candy-corn colored hair and black & white Doc Marten's oxfords. They ordered, and asked her to leave a pot of coffee at their table.

Soon enough, their food came and they ate. The food was decent, and they enjoyed their meal.

As they left, Hep said, "Well, I don't think the statue's going to attack us. What do you say we go over and check it out?"

"Sure, why not?" Charlie said. The group walked over. The Happy Chef was absolutely delighted! Special visitors!

The group got up to the statue and looked up. "That is one big, happy chef, all right," Tommy said. Hep noticed there was a push button and a speaker at the base of the statue.

He moved forward and pushed it.

A deep, and stupid-sounding voice said "Sometimes, you might notice that your water doesn't have any ice in it. That's because now and then the water gets hungry and eats the ice. Don't be alarmed, it is a perfectly natural occurrence."

The statue's heart sank. That wasn't what he'd wanted to say at all! What he'd wanted to say was "Look out! There's a bunch of red-shirted scooterists right behind you, and they look pissed!"

"That was retarded," Charlie said.

"Yeah," Hep said, and turned to walk back to the bikes. That's when they noticed the scooterists.

"Aw fuck," Tommy said.

Most of the scooter gang were carrying baseball bats and other club-like instruments.

"You bastards!" the apparent leader of the group yelled, and charged at them with a bat over his head, ready to swing. As he got close to Hep, he started to swing.

Hep ducked the bat easily, and punched the scooterist in the gut.

"Hooof!" the scooterist exclaimed, and dropped the bat as he hunched over clutching his stomach. Hep brought his elbow down on the back of the red shirts head, and laid him out on the parking lot.

The rest of the scooterists charged at the group. One ran at Charlie, who nailed him with a right hook to the jaw. The scooterist fell over backwards and didn't get up.

Athena, meanwhile, was in the middle of a group of scooterists, swinging wildly at anything nearby and whooping with joy. Soon most of that group was piled on the ground moaning.

One of the scooterists tried to sneak up behind Tommy, who was busily thrashing a scooterist who had been carrying a length of chain. Jim saw him, and popped up in front of him.

"Ooga Booga, motherfucker!" Jim yelled. The scooterist tripped over his own feet trying to get away, and bashed his head on the bumper of a pickup truck, knocking himself unconscious.

After a couple minutes, Hep's crew had laid out the entire gang.

"You guys just don't learn!" Hep said, then walked over to his bike. The rest followed him, and they roared out of the parking lot, headed north again. They eventually stopped in Savage for the night.

They found a crummy motel on the edge of town that had a parking lot that wrapped around the back, where they could park without their bikes being visible from the road.

"So much for staying low key, huh?" Hep said to Charlie.

"Yeah, I guess," Charlie answered. "Where the hell did those guys come from? I didn't even hear them pull in."

"I don't know," Hep said. "Good trick, though. Remind me to find one of them and ask how they did it some day."

"Sure thing," Charlie said, and grinned.

***
While Hep and the rest were riding to Minnesota, battling scooterists and talking to dumb statues, Ian had been busy finding a bank to rent a safe deposit box in. After he'd located one, he spent the rest of his time bumming around the Twin Cities, waiting to hear from Hep or one of the others.

That night, he got a call from Hep.

"Hey, Ian," Hep said. "Did you get that thing done for me?"

"Sure did," Ian said. "What's next?"

"I need you to go to the airport and pick someone up," Hep said. "Once you're done with that, come and meet us in Brainerd. Bring that thing I gave you."

"Ok. Who am I picking up?" Ian asked.

"You'll know when you see him," Hep said. "Have a good night."

"You too." Ian said. He hung up the phone and went to the Minneapolis airport. He parked his bike and found a comfy looking chair in the arrivals area to wait for who ever he was supposed to pick up.