Chapter 9

Scroat was enjoying the attentions of 2 ladies when Hep spotted his bike outside Sue's Fantasy Club. Hep pulled in, and wandered into the club.

"Good evening sir" a provocatively dressed hostess said. "What's your pleasure tonight?"

"Well, I'll be pleased just to avail myself of your bar. My friend is currently enjoying some of your other pleasures, I believe. I'm just waiting for him." Hep replied.

"I see. Well, right this way sir." She led him to the bar, and he sat on one of the stools.

"What can I get you?" the bartender asked.

"Got any ouzo?"

"Any what now?" the bartender asked.

"Just a beer will be fine, thanks." Hep replied.

"Make it two" a woman said as she sat next to Hep. "Hi there, big fella."

"Hi there." Hep said.

"Don't look so uncomfortable," she said. "I'm just waiting for my husband to finish up. It's his birthday, you know."

"Well, happy birthday to him, I guess." Hep said.

The woman offered her hand. "I'm Rita."

Hep shook her hand and said "Hep. Pleased to meet you."

"The pleasure is all mine. Are those motorcycles out front yours?"

"Yep."

"Where are you headed?" She asked.

"Well, the plan is to eventually meet up with a friend in Minnesota."

Rita leaned in closer to Hep. "Really? You're quite the road warriors then. You know, there's nothing I like better than a long, hard ride."

"Get your hand out of his jacket, ma'am" a voice said. Rita looked around, and shrieked when Jim appeared in front of her. She ran screaming out of the club. Hep checked his pockets quickly, and was relieved to find the tobacco pouch was still there.

Two huge bouncers appeared almost instantly in the bar.

"BOOGA! BOOGA! BOOGA!" Jim yelled and drifter closer to them. The bouncers looked at each other and split.

The bartender started throwing bottles at Jim. Of course, they just went through him and smashed on the floor and wall behind him.

"What the fuck is wrong with you two?" Scroat said as he hurried into the bar tightening his belt. "I was having a really good time with two lovely ladies, and suddenly there's a commotion out here and they both take off. I wasn't even done yet! Why do you have to wreck my good times? You guys are complete dicks."

"We gotta go. I'll buy you a nudie mag, I promise, but we have to get out of Dodge. Now."

They hustled out to the bikes and got moving.

"Where are we going?" Scroat yelled to Hep as they rode out of town.

"Utah!" Hep yelled back.

"Dammit. You're worse than hemorrhoids! Even Idaho would be better than Utah." Scroat hollered.

"Yeah, but Utah is safer for now. I'll explain it to you later." Hep said.

***
They stopped at a gas station just before the border of Utah, and Hep went in and bought Scroat a couple of girlie magazines.

He handed them to Scroat "Here, I got you 'Cheri' and 'Hawk.'"

"You're still a dick." Scroat said.

"Yep. So look, apparently there are some folks out there who don't want us to get this pouch back to Tommy." Hep said.

"Shit, I don't want us to get it back to Tommy. I want to go back to Sue's fucking Fantasy Club and bust a nut." Scroat glared at Hep.

"Yeah, but you know that we have to get this pouch back to him. And I doubt you're going to be very welcome at Sue's ever again. You might have to try Mona's Ranch." Hep said. "And I think we met one of the trouble-makers, or at least somebody working for them, already.

He continued, "Anyway, we need to keep low-key for a while. You know as well as I do what will happen if we screw this up."

"Remind me to kick Tommy in the balls when we see him." Scroat said.

"Duly noted." Hep said. "Shall we continue?"

"In a minute. Does this place have a bathroom? 'Cheri' and I need some, uh, personal party time." Scroat leered at Hep.

"There's no time for that shit. We need to get into Utah." Hep said.

"Fuck Hep, the whole state will probably burst into flame the second we set foot there."

"I guess we'll just have to take that chance. Let's go."

***
Hep, Scroat and Jim were fortunate in that Utah did not, in fact, burst into flame the second they crossed the border.

They found a tiny, run down motel and checked in. The rooms were tidy enough, but very, very old. The colors and design looked like they had been updated last in the early 1970's.

There were also a hell of a lot of paintings of Jesus on the walls.

"You ever meet him?" Scroat asked.

"Yeah, once. Nice guy." Hep said.

"Ok, seriously you two, you're not helping me get used to the fact that I'm traveling with two gods." Jim said.

"What the fuck are you talking about there, ghost-man? You're dead. Dickens would compare you to a doornail. Personally, I'd compare you to a bug on my visor. Anyway, it's a little late for you to be feeling weird about anything." Scroat said.

"Whatever."

"Say, how did you managed to show up at exactly the right time to stop that lady from picking my pocket?" Hep asked Jim.

"Shit, he was hiding out all invisible trying to see how a real man satisfies two ladies." Scroat said.

"Fuck off, Scroat" Jim said. "The Commercial casino has ghosts. I got to talking with some of them, and mentioned you guys had gotten me out of the forest. They told me they'd heard that some people were looking for you to steal something you're carrying. So I left the casino and started looking for your bikes. It was just luck that I got there when I did.

"So what's the deal with this pouch anyway? Why would someone want it so bad?" Jim asked.

"Well, let's just say that if you wanted to plunge the world into chaos, keeping Tommy from getting his property back would be a good way to start." Hep said.

"Why? Will Tommy hulk out, or something?"

"Nope. But there are some rules that really can't be broken." Hep said. "Basically, if Tommy is prevented from following his own mythology, his world will start to unravel. So we have to play along with his game."

"I don't get it." Jim said.

"Well, that's ok, because you're stupid and just a dead human. Don't worry, we still like you." Scroat said.

"Hey!" Jim said.

"Nah, he's right Jim." Hep said.

"Fuck you guys." Jim said.

"That's the spirit," Scroat said. "Now if you two will excuse me, I've got a date in the bathroom."

Hep got out a map, and started planning their next move. Wyoming was closer and less populated than Colorado, but Hep had friends in Denver.

He decided it might be best to blast through Wyoming, and then drop in to Denver.

"So Jim," Hep said, "What's your deal?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, how does a ghost end up in the middle of a redwood forest?" Hep asked.

"Well, it's kind of a dumb story."

"Aren't they all? 'Fess up!" Hep leaned forward.

"Well, you know there are people who protest logging the redwood forests, right? They climb up into the trees and live there so loggers won't cut them down."

"Right." Hep said.

"I was one of those protester and..."

"What? They cut down the tree with you in it? That's cold." Hep said.

"No, I picked a diseased tree. One night the wind was particularily strong, and the tree toppled with me in it while I was sleeping. I landed under it. I'm still there, actually."

Hep stared at Jim.

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" Hep said. "I tell you what, next time someone asks how you died in the middle of the forest, tell them you were attacked by a pack of bears."

Scroat came out of the bathroom looking relieved.
"I'm still pissed off at you guys, but I guess I won't have to kill you in your sleep." He climbed into one of the beds.

"Damn, this bed has got to be older than me." He said. "Good night, jerks."

"I think I'm going to go see what's going on elsewhere in the motel." Jim said.

Scroat mumbled from the bed "I told you he gets his rocks off looking by hiding and looking at other people's junk."

"Have fun, Jim." Hep said. "Try not to scare the bejeezus out of anyone, unless they really deserve it. Or at least have the decency to come get us so we can watch the hilarity ensue."