Chapter 22

Hep, Scroat, Charlie, Minerva, Athena and the rest stopped in Lafayette and called it a day. They found another crappy motel to stay in. The rooms smelled foul, and there were curious stains on the carpets. It was, however, reasonably remote and free from prying eyes.

They dumped their stuff in the rooms, and agreed the best course of action was to go out and avoid the motel for as long as possible.

They went out looking for a suitable tavern or other place to make their home for the evening. As they rode, Hep spotted a muffler man, only this particular muffler man was actually made out of mufflers and other exhaust components, instead of fiberglass. It was also actually outside of a muffler shop, and didn't look anything liked Paul Bunyan. Hep pulled in to check it out.

"Hey, what do you know, a big ol' shitty pile of scrap metal. Could you take us somewhere interesting now and then?" Scroat said.

"Sorry, peep shows creep me out," Hep shot back.

They were turning to leave when the muffler man looked down at them and said, "I've been expecting you."

The UTMCers had been talking to Minerva and Athena. They all stopped what they were doing to turn and look at the muffler man.

"Jeb? Is that you in there?" Hep asked.

"Yep."

"What the fuck do you want?" Scroat asked.

"I just have something to tell you," Jeb said.

Nearby, a man in a fedora was waiting in a brown Lincoln, watching. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. The bikers were talking to a statue, and the statue was talking back. Unfortunately, they were too far away for him to hear their conversation. He dug out his cell phone and called his boss. She was going to want to know about this for sure.
***
Later the crew found a bar. It apparently didn't have a name, but there was a Pabst Blue Ribbon sign outside, so they knew it would be their kind of joint. They weren't disappointed.

Inside it was so dark they could barely see. The cigarette smoke was thick enough to make most people's eyes water, and the furniture, tables and bar were all either dark brown or black.

"Finally, someplace interesting!" Scroat exclaimed. "Bartender! Eight pitchers of Pabst Blue Ribbon!"

They found a table big enough to accommodate thirteen people and sat down. Most of the UTMC lit cigarettes, and Scroat broke out a cigar and lit it.

"Second hand smoke is bad for you, you know," Scroat said. "Better to get it first hand."

Soon the bartender brought their beer, and they proceeded to get themselves thoroughly drunk. Soon they were laughing it up with the regulars. Scroat tried flirting with Minerva and Athena, both at the same time, and nearly got himself knocked out.

Many pitchers of beer later, they were spread out all over the bar having private, if rowdy, conversations with a wide assortment of people. Hep was having a good time talking to one of the regulars who happened to be a welder. He claimed to be the best welder in the United States. Hep doubted that, as he was pretty sure he was a better welder than this man, but the regular's way of boasting was entertaining enough that Hep went along with it.

"What the fuck was that?" Scroat shouted, and shoved the man he'd been talking to away. "He just tried to pick my pocket!" Hep checked his own pockets. Tommy's tobacco pouch was still there.

The mood in the bar had suddenly gotten hostile. One of the patrons took a wild swing at Charlie, and so the brawl began. In a matter of seconds it was a free for all, as the regulars weren't about to stand for some tourist calling their own a thief, and Hep's crew weren't about to let that kind of thing stand.

Scroat had grabbed a pool cue and was swinging it vigorously at anyone who moved in his vicinity. Fortunately, none of the UTMCers were nearby.
Minerva tried to stay out of the way, but Athena jumped into the fray with a joyous yell and began thumping skulls left and right. She had a sudden and distinct advantage, as none of the locals wanted to have to admit that they'd gotten their asses whooped by a girl.

Someone tried to hit Hep from behind with a chair, but Jim appeared in front of him and yelled "Booga booga booga, ya swamp-dwelling hick!" The man dropped the chair and ran.

"Thanks," Hep said, then turned back and resumed punching and shoving aside everyone that came at him.

Soon the bar was mostly empty, and of the people in the bar only the UTMCers and gods (and Jim and the bartender) were still standing.

Outside, they heard motorcycles riding away.

"Holy shit! Our bikes!" Dave yelled. They ran outside to see tail lights fading away. The only bikes that were still there were Hep's, Scroat's and a couple of the rattier UTMC bikes.

"My duc! Those bastards stole my duc!" Charlie yelled. "Oh, they are twenty varieties of dead when I find them."

They sat outside in the mostly-empty parking lot waiting to sober up. For the most part, they were silent, except for the occasional curse or exclamation of "those bastards." Around five in the morning they were finally sober, and those who still had bikes ferried those whose bikes had been stolen back to the motel.

The man in the Lincoln dug out his cell phone again to call his boss.
***
The next morning, Hep and Scroat figured out the logistics for the immediate future. They decided that Charlie would ride in Hep's sidecar. Dave was going to borrow Too Tall's bike and ride along with them. The rest would stay behind and try to figure out a way to catch up, or get home.

They said their goodbyes, and departed. They continued west.
***
"So what have you got to tell us, then, Jeb?" Hep had asked.

"One of the people in your party is a spy for us. You can't evade us." Jeb told him.

"Bullshit. You're trying to freak us out and get us to split up." Hep said.

"Believe what you want. We're going to get Tommy's tobacco pouch either way." Jeb said.

"Jeb, you're so full of shit we could smell you two states away," Scroat said. "Now, about that money you owe me..."

Between the thirteen of them, they were able to pull the muffler man statue apart in thirty seconds.
***
Hep, Scroat, Charlie, Jim and Dave stopped in Houston to have lunch and regroup a bit. They went to another barbeque restaurant. Hep had the best beef brisket he'd ever had. While they were eating, the waitress came over to their table.

"I have a phone call at the bar for Hep," she said.

"Hmm. Ok," Hep said. He went with her to the bar and picked up the phone the bartender gave him. "Hello?" he asked.

“Hey Hep,” Tommy said.

“Hey, where are you?” Hep asked.

“Right now I’m in El Paso. I’m going to keep heading west for now,” Tommy said.

“Are you ever going to stop so we can catch up to you?”

“Hey, I’ll stop when Seth’s goons stop harassing me. Tommy said.

“What ever. Stay out of trouble, Tommy.” Hep said, and hung up the phone.

He went back to the table and told Scroat and Charlie where Tommy was, and that he was still heading west.

“Great,” Charlie said. “So how long until we hit the west coast and head north? I bet we can circle the whole country two or three times before he gets tired.”