Jim was bored. He took up a strategic position in the motel lobby to keep an eye out for any trouble that might be headed their way.
He was sorely disappointed the next morning when absolutely nothing transpired. No mysterious visitors. No hired guns arriving to dispatch Hep and Scroat. Not even a pizza delivery.
Jim was slumped in a molded fiberglass chair when he heard Scroat yell "You shitty, horsefaced motherfucker!"
That meant they were awake, so he went back to the room.
Hep and Scroat were both ready to go when he got there.
"Come on, the sooner we're out of Utah, the happier I'll be." Scroat said.
***
They were headed east when they saw a sign for Bingham Canyon Mine - "The Biggest Pit in the World!"Scroat yelled to Hep "Shit, they should have that sign at the borders! 'Utah! The World's Biggest Pit!'"
***
They stopped at a park in Salt Lake City for lunch. After they dug out the food out of their bags, they wandered into the park looking for a shady spot to sit and eat. As they walked, they noticed that the park was chock full of art that was a little odd.
"Is that statue a sphinx with Joseph Smith's face?" Scroat asked.
"Yep. Didn't think I'd see one of those today." Hep replied.
"Is a Joseph Smith Sphinx something you normally expect to see?" Jim asked.
Hep ignored the question, as he was busy looking at something a lot stranger. Jim and Scroat both turned to look at what had taken up Hep's interest.
"Does that statue have brick pants?" Jim asked.
"And a granite sport coat. Now that's just poor taste." Scroat said. "What kind of fucked up state did you bring us to, Hep?"
"I dunno. Let's just eat and get out of here." Hep said, marveling at the other strange statues in the park.
They were all too distracted by the surrounding weirdness to notice that the Sphinx was watching them. They also would have noticed that it was not Joseph Smith who was watching them.
"So where are we headed right from here Hep?" Scroat asked.
"Northeast into Wyoming."
"It's going to be more fun than this dull-ass state, isn't it?"
"I guess we'll find out. That's where we're headed, either way."
"Well, let's hurry up and get there. This place is freaking me the fuck out." Scroat stood up, brushed off his pants, and walked back to his bike.
Hep took a look around at the weirdness surrounding him again, and then followed.
***
Their trip to Wyoming was uneventful. They stopped in Little America at the "World's Largest Gas Station" for a stretch and a break. "So what do you guys think, should we keep rolling, or stop here for the day?" Hep asked.
"Let's stop. Maybe we can find some decent food here." Scroat looked around a little bit. "Doesn't seem very fucking likely, though."
They went to the Little America Hotel and checked in. As they walked through the lobby of the hotel, Hep noticed they had a stuffed penguin on display. "Emperor," a small nametag read.
They went up to their room.
"Wow, this is what it looks like when a girl tries to make a cowboy's shack more dainty." Scroat commented.
Hep couldn't disagree.
Scroat went to take a shower, and Hep read through the literature to see what, if anything, was nearby and entertaining. He learned that Wyoming was the home of JC Penney, and that one of the counties was the Trona Capital of the World, whatever that meant.
"Great." Hep said. At least the hotel had a restaurant and a separate bar.
Jim told Hep he was going to go explore the hotel. "I bet this place has a lot more cool stuff than that last hotel."
"Good luck with that." Hep said.
Scroat came out of the shower. "So did you find us a decent place to eat, or what?"
"Well, the hotel has a dining room and a coffee shop."
"That's it? Man, who's stupid fucking idea was it to stop here?" Scroat asked.
"Yours."
"Shit. I'm an asshole."
"Tell me something I don't know." Hep grinned at Scroat. "Let's go check out our selection of fine eateries."
They went down to the dining room and looked around.
"I bet you could get us thrown out of here in 5 minutes." Hep said.
Scroat looked offended. "Five minutes? Do I look tired? Shit, fuckhead, I could get us thrown out before we even got in. Did I ever tell you about the time I got thrown out of a place twice in one night..."
Hep interrupted him. "Let's just go to the coffee shop."
The coffee shop looked more like a fancy diner. There was a long, wraparound counter, and they had the place to themselves, at least for the time being. Hep smiled.
"Maybe you didn't pick such a bad place to stop."
"Well, I am the motherfucking brains of this operation." Scroat said.
They both ordered biscuits and gravy, and coffee.
"Hot damn, is there anything as good as gravy, black pepper and coffee?" Scroat asked when their food came out.
"Sure, but this will do for today."
They ate, and talked about what their next destination should be.
"From here we can go to South Dakota, Nebraska or Colorado." Hep said.
"Hmmm, so we've got our choice of Shit-splat Nowhere, Podunk Fucking America, and Butt Fuck Egypt."
"Yep. Colorado's not so bad, and I know some folks down there." Hep said.
"Well I guess you've made the fucking decision then."
"I guess. Nebraska would be a straight shot to Iowa though, and from there we can be in Minnesota in about 6 hours."
"Yeah, well, I say we let Tommy sweat for another day or two. Fucking jerk. Couldn't he fuck with people closer to home?" Scroat said.
"So we'll go to Colorado then." Hep said.
***
After eating, they went to the Lounge to have a few drinks."Hey look, a tv." Scroat said. Apart from the bar itself, that was pretty much all that was in the bar.
"Gentlemen, what can I get you to drink?" the bartender asked.
"Jack Daniel's neat" Scroat said. The bartender nodded and looked at Hep.
"Got any Ouzo?" Hep asked.
"We don't serve umbrella drinks here, buddy."
Hep blinked. "Umbrella? Yeah, how about a beer then."
"You got it."
Hep and Scroat spent the rest of the evening in the bar, getting thoroughly ripped. They watched whatever game was on the tv, cheering whenever someone scored, and drinking as though they wanted to empty the bar. The bartender told them to get out at 11:00, because he was closing.
"It's only 11! What's this shit? I've hardly even gotten a good buzz going." Scroat got up from the bar and started walking out. "Fuck. Between bars closing at 11, and you pulling me out of a whorehouse to take me to some weird-assed park in the middle of fucking Utah of all places, you might as well start calling me Captain Cockblocked."
"Whatever you say, Cap'n." Hep replied. He was having a really tough time walking, on account of his bad legs compounded by the floor's refusal to stop tilting.
They staggered back to their door, fumbled with the lock for several minutes, and finally got into their room.
"Is there a porno channel in this hotel?" Scroat asked.
Hep mumbled something and stumbled quickly towards the bathroom, where he vomited at great length.
Between heaves, he heard Scroat yell "I don't fucking believe this! No porn at all! What the hell is wrong with this hotel?"
***
After a couple hours, Hep and Scroat had sobered enough that Hep could remain seated on a chair, and they started talking about Tommy. They also opened up the mini bar in the room and started drinking again."Ok, so Tommy left his tobacco pouch at our place, and we have to return it to him. Then he's going to take the opportunity to invite us to dinner, where he tries to show us how he's Mr. Fucking Fancy Pants, and some kind of hilarity will ensue, he'll embarrass himself and we can go home, right?" Scroat asked.
"Yeah, that's pretty much it."
"Hasn't this happened to him before?"
"Sure, scores of times. Hep said.
"Why does he keep doing it?"
"Why do you swear so much?" Hep asked.
"Because I fucking like it. Does Tommy like being humiliated? Because we could have taken him to Suzy's back in Nevada. They had a girl that could humiliate him all night, and we'd be on our way home already."
"No, that's not it. He does it because that's what he does. He wants to impress us with his largesse. I guess his can-do attitude is probably to blame for how often he does it. At least he hasn't bothered us specifically for a couple hundred years. Imagine if we lived closer to him." Hep said.
Scroat shuddered. "Man, I can barely tolerate that guy once every millennia or so. I'd hate to have him as a neighbor."
"Yep. Though returning his tobacco pouch would be a lot easier then. I bet his neighbors don't have people trying to steal his bag from them when they return it." Hep said.
"I bet."
"So who are these folks you know in Colorado?" Scroat asked.
"Just some other disreputable motorcycle scum, and a god or two in Denver. You'll like 'em. We'll have to be sure to pick up some rum before we get there, though" Hep said.
"Oh yeah?"
Jim drifted through the door then. "Hey guys, uh, there's a stuffed penguin holding a keycard listening at the door."
"What?" Hep exclaimed. "Shit!"
He stood up quickly, and was dismayed when the entire world shifted 45 degrees to his left and he fell over.
"We gotta catch him!" he said. Hep scrambled to his feet and staggered towards the door. Scroat was able to stagger a little faster than Hep, and got the door open and out into the hall just in time to see the penguin waddling - quickly- around a corner.
The three started down the hall after the penguin. Jim was able to keep up with the penguin, but couldn't do much to stop him. He was, after all, a little out of shape from being dead and ghostly, and a panicked, struggling, stuffed penguin is a lot stronger than you might expect.
Scroat lurched down the hall, sliding against the wall frequently. He got around the corner just in time to see the penguin duck into the stairwell.
"Aw fuck!" Scroat said.
Hep, meanwhile, was hurrying as well as he could. That meant, of course, that he was slamming against one wall in the hallway, only to stagger forward two steps and then hit the other wall.
Jim followed close behind the penguin as it hopped down the stairs. The penguin gave Jim several dirty looks as he fled. At least, as dirty of a look as a stuffed penguin can give. It also squacked at him in an agitated manner a few times. Jim was fairly sure that it had called him a dick, and told him to fuck off, but it was hard to tell since it couldn't enunciate its words very well.
Scroat got into the stairwell and started leaping down the flights of stairs, holding onto the railings and swinging out over the stairs and dropping onto the landings.
The penguin got out of the stairwell and broke into a penguin sprint, which isn't very fast on hotel carpeting, leapt up onto it's pedestal and pulled its' glass case over itself again. It resumed it's pose and stood stock still.
Scroat burst out of the stairwell and ran down the hall to the penguin. He started banging on the glass over the penguin.
"You little cock-biter. Get out here! What the fuck are you up to?" he kept banging on the glass.
"What the fuck do you want, penguin? Get out here! I'm gonna rip you limb from limb!"
The hotel staff was paying attention to Scroat now. One of the employees ran to a phone and called the hotel's security staff.
Hep finally caught up to Scroat, and he noticed that they could just lift the glass case off of the pedestal, so he did. He picked up the penguin and started shaking it. It was like watching someone shake a cheap stuffed prize from a county fair.
"Who do you work for, you little bastard?" Hep asked the penguin.
"The Little America Travel Center, sir. Please put the penguin back down," a security officer said to Hep.
Hep blinked, and set the penguin down again on the pedestal. It didn't move. "He was eavesdropping outside our door."
The security guard took a couple steps back.
"Sir, I'm going to need to ask you two to leave the premises. One of our bellboys will bring out your luggage."
"What? I paid for a fucking room. Now you've got a penguin spying on us, and you're going the throw us out of the hotel?" Hep asked.
The security guard took a couple more steps back. "I don't know about the penguin, but you do need to leave the hotel. Please just leave so I don't have to call the police."
Hep threw up his arms in disgust. "Let's go," he said to Scroat.
They waited out by their bikes, and pretty soon a scrawny kid in a goofy hat came out to them carrying their bags. He looked wary.
"It's ok, we don't have anything against you." Hep said.
"Man, you guys freaked out the entire staff," the kid said. "They're going to be telling stories about the guys who attacked our penguin for years."
"Hey, maybe if your fucking penguin wasn't fucking spying on us, we wouldn't have fucking attacked him." Scroat said.
"Uh, ok, pal. You have a good night now." The kid walked back to the hotel.
"So what now guys?" Jim asked.
"Who fucking knows?" Scroat said "Shit, I've got to go for a walk." He stalked off, waving his arms and ranting about how "penguins don't belong in the middle of the fucking United States anyway."
Hep said to Jim, "There's some grass over there. Seems pretty quiet. I guess I'll sleep there." He started over to the grass. "Uh, stick around, would you? If anything weird happens, wake me up."
"Sure thing," Jim said. He picked out a good spot, and watched Scroat stomping around the far side of the parking lot yelling about penguins, conspiracies, and his plan to kick Tommy so hard in the nuts that it would take Tommy four years to find them again.
