Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Table of Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 33
That night, Hep and Aphrodite had sex for the first time in several hundred years. Unsurprisingly, it was incredibly loud, vigorous, and sweaty, as it can only be between two gods who had once been married, and then separated for an age, one of whom is a goddess of sex.
Fortunately for Hep and Aphrodite, none of the rest of the crew were in adjoining rooms. Well, to be honest, it was probably better for the rest of the crew than Hep and Aphrodite. They weren't too worried about the noise, though the salesman in the room on their right and the wholesome family from Utah on their left were thoroughly scandalized and titillated.
Jim had been making the rounds of the motel, but wisely elected not to enter Hep's room when he heard the commotion inside.
The next morning, Hep and Aphrodite emerged from their room, flushed and a little dazed, and went down to meet everyone else and decide where they were going to get breakfast. Scroat could swear that Hep had a spring in his step, which was unusual since Hep had a pronounced limp normally.
They determined that a Perkins would be their best bet for breakfast, and went back to their rooms to gather their belongings. Half an hour later they were all down by the bikes again, ready to go.
They roared out of the parking lot, destined for the pancakes and omelets of victorious heroes. Scroat rode in Hep's side car ("No way in hell am I riding bitch again," he'd said). Charlie rode with Aphrodite in the Corvette.
They filled up most of the restaurant's smoking section, talking, laughing and smoking. Eventually their food came, and they dug in it with a passion. Minutes later they were smoking and talking again, drinking plenty of coffee.
They decided that after they'd paid up, they would ride to the Twin Cities and find Scroat and Charlie a couple of new bikes.
The ride to Minneapolis was uneventful, though every one was in high spirits, and they rode quite expeditiously. In Minneapolis, they spotted a dealership that sold both Ducati and Triumph motorcycles.
"I think we've found our place," Hep yelled to Scroat.
"Damn straight!" Scroat answered.
After a quick stop at a couple banks for cash, they went to the motorcycle shop.
Within seconds of entering the dealership, Scroat spotted his bike. It was a black Triumph Thruxton 900. Low-slung, and very, very black, Scroat grinned from ear to ear the second he sat on it.
"Oh. Hell. Yeah." Scroat said. He began haggling with the salesman immediately.
Hep, Dave and Too Tall wandered around the dealership. Minerva and Athena sat outside.
"Hey, where the hell are Charlie and Aphrodite?" Hep asked Dave.
Dave shrugged in reply. "Haven't see them since we got here."
Hep looked out the window, and saw Charlie sitting in the Corvette, apparently alone. Hep made a "get in here" gesture, and Charlie waved back, smiling.
Hep went back to looking at the bikes. They were pretty, but he thought his was better. Scroat was counting out the cash for the bike, in front of a slightly bewildered salesman.
Charlie and Aphrodite finally came into the dealership. Charlie was all smiles.
"All right, time to find a new Duc," Charlie said to Hep, rubbing his hands together. He wandered through bikes, and stopped when he saw a yellow SportClassic Sport1000. It looked like a motorized wasp. Charlie clapped his hands over his head.
"Hey! Who's going to sell me this fucking bike?" he called.
An hour later and they were ready to head home.
Out in the parking lot, Hep said goodbye to Aphrodite again.
"Come and visit anytime," she said, and got into her Corvette. She beeped the horn twice as she drove away.
"So what now, Hep?" Dave asked him.
"Well, I've got a date with a giant twine ball, and then I guess it'll be time to head home." Hep said. Scroat and Charlie decided to ride along with Hep, but Dave and Too Tall were itching to get back to Denver, so they left on their own.
Minerva and Athena decided to head home too. "We've got a couple of organs to finish, after all," Minerva said.
"See ya round, Hep," Athena said, and they rode away.
Hep looked at Scroat, Charlie and Jim. "Well, let's get moving," he said.
They rode to Darwin. The weather was perfect, there were puffy clouds and plenty of sun. They were a little tired of riding through farmland, but Hep was too excited to see the world's biggest ball of twine to be concerned about such things.
They arrived in Darwin just before 5:00. They parked their bikes and walked up to the pagoda housing the monumental oddity.
"That is one big fucking ball of twine," Scroat said.
"Yep," Hep said, and grinned.
"Well, that was pretty fun. What do you say we get some fucking dinner?" Scroat asked.
"Sounds good to me," Hep said. They walked over to the nearby Twine Ball Inn. It was clean, but somewhat run down inside. The staff eyed them warily, and one of the waitresses finally showed them to a table.
They had a decent, Minnesotan dinner of meat and potatoes. They didn't linger, because Scroat and Charlie were both itching to get out and play with their new bikes some more.
They went out to their bikes, and started them up. As they were putting on their helmets, Scroat asked Hep "So now what?"
"Let's go home," Hep said.
"Sounds good to me," Scroat said.
They rode south.
Seth was giggling madly, and greeted Jeb by asking "Have you heard of the nomadic tree? Apparently now and then it just packs up its' trunk and leaves."
Then he burst out laughing, nearly convulsing with the apparent hilarity of his comment.
Jeb didn't quite know what to make of that, but he untied Seth, who walked away from him still laughing and entirely uninterested in Jeb.
Jeb debated helping Seth, and decided discretion is the better part of valor, and the better part of discretion is knowing when to split.
That night they were awakened by the sound of a single two-stroke motor. Hep walked over to the scooterist, and saw that he was carrying several cameras. It took Hep a minute to realize that he'd seen him before. The last time, though, he'd been wearing a red shirt.
"Hey man, what club were those guys who helped you with?" he asked Hep.
"They're the UTMC," Hep answered.
"Any idea how I could become a member?"
"Man, they don't have any members," Hep said, and laughed. "Go down to Denver if you want, though. They're a good bunch of guys."
Hep went back to the spot where he'd been sleeping, and the scooterist rode off.
"Damn, Scroat, obsess much?" Hep asked.
"Aw, fuck you. You're just jealous," Scroat said.
Eventually Charlie got up and once they were packed up they rode on to Aspen. When they arrived at Charlie's house, he invited them in for dinner and to stay the night.
Once again, they cooked meat over the fire pit in Charlie's back yard, and got roaring drunk on rum. They spent a good while dizzily throwing axes at a tree stump Charlie had on the far end of his yard. They mostly missed.
Late, late that night they turned in, and slept deeply.
The next morning they woke up to the sound of someone pounding on Charlie's door. Charlie got up, and stumbled to the front door, trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes.
He opened the door, and was very surprised by who was standing there.
"Hey Charlie, how have you been?" Elvis said.
"Pretty good, Elvis. Come in, come in," Charlie said. He led Elvis in, and then wandered into the kitchen to make some coffee. Once the pot was percolating nicely, he moved to the kitchen table, where Elvis was already sitting. Soon Hep and Scroat joined them. Jim was outside exploring Charlie land.
"Howdy gentlemen," Elvis said. "The word on the street is that you've saved the world, again."
"So it would seem," Hep said. "What brings you out this way?"
"Well, I just couldn't wait to see you guys in person and hear the news from your own mouths," Elvis said and grinned. "You done good, fellas."
"Aww, it was nothing," Hep said.
"Yeah, nothing," Scroat said sarcastically. "Easy to say for the guy who didn't get killed this time around."
They had coffee, and shared some of the funnier moments of their trip with Elvis. They all laughed heartily about the time Jeb threw a giant hot dog at them, as well as their adventure chasing a penguin through a hotel in Wyoming, only to get thrown out.
Elvis told them that he'd heard Seth was sent back to the Upper Realms of Ra.
"Being the voice of thunder can't be so bad," Hep said.
"I don't know. You ever heard of a thunder bucket?" Scroat asked, and laughed.
"What happened to Jeb?" Charlie asked.
"Well, I don't rightly know," Elvis said. "I'm sure he'll turn up, though."
"Yeah, and that fucker still owes me money," Scroat said.
Once they were a little more awake, Charlie made a huge breakfast for them, and they ate until they could barely move.
"I don't think I even need to see any more biscuits and gravy for a long time," Elvis said as he sat back and pushed his plate away from him.
Scroat belched in agreement.
"Thanks Scroat, I'll take that as a compliment," Charlie said.
Charlie came inside. "Man, you've got a lot of land out here," he said to Charlie.
"Yep. It's good to be a god, here in god's country," Charlie said, and laughed.
After a while, Hep and Scroat began packing again, getting ready for the last stretch of road before they got home. As they loaded up their bikes, Charlie, Elvis and Jim stood nearby shooting the breeze. Charlie showed off his new bike to Elvis, who was duly impressed.
"Always loved that Italian styling. I should tell you about my Pantera sometime, I've got some great photos," Elvis said.
Soon, Hep and Scroat were ready to roll out. They went over and shook hands with Charlie and Elvis, and started walking back to their bikes. Jim drifted along behind them.
"Say Jim," Elvis said, "how'd you like to come back to Portland with me?"
"Really? You mean it?" Jim said
"Sure, I can use a fella with your talents," Elvis said. "You'd make a fine fly on the wall, I think. That is, if you're up for some more adventure."
"Sure! That'd be great!" Jim said.
Hep and Scroat glanced at each other.
"Well, good luck Jim. Stop in and visit sometime," Hep said.
"Only don't leave any shit behind so we have to chase you down and give it back. That's just a dick move, got it?" Scroat added.
"Yeah, I got it. Bye guys. See you around." Jim said.
Hep and Scroat fired up their bikes and got moving. Soon they were headed southwest towards the deserts of Arizona, and their home outside of Tucson.
On their way home, they cut through New Mexico. Hep wanted to see Roswell. He was a bit disappointed, since the vibe of the town was more "poor" than "otherworldly."
They also stopped at an odd surplus shop that was half cold-war museum and half appliance boneyard.
Eventually they got into Arizona. It was dark and the rode through the desert was cold. They were eager to get home, and rode fast and hard to get there.
They finally got to their house, and pulled their bikes into the garage. They stumbled through their house, and both fell asleep within seconds of falling into their own beds.
That night, Hep dreamt of Tommy. He and Scroat were hanging out on the patio at a nice bar, drinking fine tequila with beer chasers. Tommy came up to the table.
"Hey, guys, how you been?" Tommy asked.
"Not too bad, not too bad," Hep said, and took a pull from his glass of beer.
"Glad to hear it," Tommy said, "So..."
Hep interrupted him, "Hey Scroat, wasn't there something you wanted to give Tommy?"
Tommy looked mildly confused.
"Oh yeah! Yeah, I got something fucking important to give you, pal," Scroat said. He stood up, directly in front of Tommy.
"I've been meaning to give you this since we left on that fucking trip," Scroat said, and hauled off and kicked Tommy as hard as he could straight in the balls.
Scroat smiled at Hep and sat down again.
"Damn, I feel a whole lot better now. Thanks Hep!" Scroat said.
"No problem," Hep said, smiling slightly.
Tommy laid on the ground, gasping for air. Eventually he stood up again, and left the bar, limping. "See you guys around," he muttered.
Hep and Scroat enjoyed the rest of their drinks, and then went back to their own dreams.
"Who the fuck made you king shit of fuck mountain, you rotten bag of fuck?" Scroat yelled as he snapped awake.
"Yeah, it's good to be home," Hep said, and smiled again. He left the room and went into the kitchen to make coffee.
After he got the coffee going, he went to check their answering machine. He skipped through the multitude of automated telemarketer messages, and stopped when he got to a message from a familiar, masculine voice.
"Hey, Hep, it's Ellie! Man, have I got a great opportunity for you! I'm going to be down in that area sometime next week, I'll see you then!"
"Aw, shit." Hep said.
"Who was that?" Scroat asked.
"Ellie," Hep answered.
"Aw, fuck!" Scroat exclaimed.
And that, dear reader, is
Fortunately for Hep and Aphrodite, none of the rest of the crew were in adjoining rooms. Well, to be honest, it was probably better for the rest of the crew than Hep and Aphrodite. They weren't too worried about the noise, though the salesman in the room on their right and the wholesome family from Utah on their left were thoroughly scandalized and titillated.
Jim had been making the rounds of the motel, but wisely elected not to enter Hep's room when he heard the commotion inside.
The next morning, Hep and Aphrodite emerged from their room, flushed and a little dazed, and went down to meet everyone else and decide where they were going to get breakfast. Scroat could swear that Hep had a spring in his step, which was unusual since Hep had a pronounced limp normally.
They determined that a Perkins would be their best bet for breakfast, and went back to their rooms to gather their belongings. Half an hour later they were all down by the bikes again, ready to go.
They roared out of the parking lot, destined for the pancakes and omelets of victorious heroes. Scroat rode in Hep's side car ("No way in hell am I riding bitch again," he'd said). Charlie rode with Aphrodite in the Corvette.
They filled up most of the restaurant's smoking section, talking, laughing and smoking. Eventually their food came, and they dug in it with a passion. Minutes later they were smoking and talking again, drinking plenty of coffee.
They decided that after they'd paid up, they would ride to the Twin Cities and find Scroat and Charlie a couple of new bikes.
The ride to Minneapolis was uneventful, though every one was in high spirits, and they rode quite expeditiously. In Minneapolis, they spotted a dealership that sold both Ducati and Triumph motorcycles.
"I think we've found our place," Hep yelled to Scroat.
"Damn straight!" Scroat answered.
After a quick stop at a couple banks for cash, they went to the motorcycle shop.
Within seconds of entering the dealership, Scroat spotted his bike. It was a black Triumph Thruxton 900. Low-slung, and very, very black, Scroat grinned from ear to ear the second he sat on it.
"Oh. Hell. Yeah." Scroat said. He began haggling with the salesman immediately.
Hep, Dave and Too Tall wandered around the dealership. Minerva and Athena sat outside.
"Hey, where the hell are Charlie and Aphrodite?" Hep asked Dave.
Dave shrugged in reply. "Haven't see them since we got here."
Hep looked out the window, and saw Charlie sitting in the Corvette, apparently alone. Hep made a "get in here" gesture, and Charlie waved back, smiling.
Hep went back to looking at the bikes. They were pretty, but he thought his was better. Scroat was counting out the cash for the bike, in front of a slightly bewildered salesman.
Charlie and Aphrodite finally came into the dealership. Charlie was all smiles.
"All right, time to find a new Duc," Charlie said to Hep, rubbing his hands together. He wandered through bikes, and stopped when he saw a yellow SportClassic Sport1000. It looked like a motorized wasp. Charlie clapped his hands over his head.
"Hey! Who's going to sell me this fucking bike?" he called.
An hour later and they were ready to head home.
Out in the parking lot, Hep said goodbye to Aphrodite again.
"Come and visit anytime," she said, and got into her Corvette. She beeped the horn twice as she drove away.
"So what now, Hep?" Dave asked him.
"Well, I've got a date with a giant twine ball, and then I guess it'll be time to head home." Hep said. Scroat and Charlie decided to ride along with Hep, but Dave and Too Tall were itching to get back to Denver, so they left on their own.
Minerva and Athena decided to head home too. "We've got a couple of organs to finish, after all," Minerva said.
"See ya round, Hep," Athena said, and they rode away.
Hep looked at Scroat, Charlie and Jim. "Well, let's get moving," he said.
They rode to Darwin. The weather was perfect, there were puffy clouds and plenty of sun. They were a little tired of riding through farmland, but Hep was too excited to see the world's biggest ball of twine to be concerned about such things.
They arrived in Darwin just before 5:00. They parked their bikes and walked up to the pagoda housing the monumental oddity.
"That is one big fucking ball of twine," Scroat said.
"Yep," Hep said, and grinned.
"Well, that was pretty fun. What do you say we get some fucking dinner?" Scroat asked.
"Sounds good to me," Hep said. They walked over to the nearby Twine Ball Inn. It was clean, but somewhat run down inside. The staff eyed them warily, and one of the waitresses finally showed them to a table.
They had a decent, Minnesotan dinner of meat and potatoes. They didn't linger, because Scroat and Charlie were both itching to get out and play with their new bikes some more.
They went out to their bikes, and started them up. As they were putting on their helmets, Scroat asked Hep "So now what?"
"Let's go home," Hep said.
"Sounds good to me," Scroat said.
They rode south.
***
After a series of blunders - including falling into an uncovered manhole, getting hit by a pizza delivery man, a school bus, and a very surprised robin - Jeb finally found Seth. Seth was giggling madly, and greeted Jeb by asking "Have you heard of the nomadic tree? Apparently now and then it just packs up its' trunk and leaves."
Then he burst out laughing, nearly convulsing with the apparent hilarity of his comment.
Jeb didn't quite know what to make of that, but he untied Seth, who walked away from him still laughing and entirely uninterested in Jeb.
Jeb debated helping Seth, and decided discretion is the better part of valor, and the better part of discretion is knowing when to split.
***
Hep, Scroat, Charlie and Jim found a quiet place to camp for the night just across the border of Nebraska. That night they were awakened by the sound of a single two-stroke motor. Hep walked over to the scooterist, and saw that he was carrying several cameras. It took Hep a minute to realize that he'd seen him before. The last time, though, he'd been wearing a red shirt.
"Hey man, what club were those guys who helped you with?" he asked Hep.
"They're the UTMC," Hep answered.
"Any idea how I could become a member?"
"Man, they don't have any members," Hep said, and laughed. "Go down to Denver if you want, though. They're a good bunch of guys."
Hep went back to the spot where he'd been sleeping, and the scooterist rode off.
***
The next morning, Hep woke up and saw that Scroat was already up, fiddling with his new bike."Damn, Scroat, obsess much?" Hep asked.
"Aw, fuck you. You're just jealous," Scroat said.
Eventually Charlie got up and once they were packed up they rode on to Aspen. When they arrived at Charlie's house, he invited them in for dinner and to stay the night.
Once again, they cooked meat over the fire pit in Charlie's back yard, and got roaring drunk on rum. They spent a good while dizzily throwing axes at a tree stump Charlie had on the far end of his yard. They mostly missed.
Late, late that night they turned in, and slept deeply.
The next morning they woke up to the sound of someone pounding on Charlie's door. Charlie got up, and stumbled to the front door, trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes.
He opened the door, and was very surprised by who was standing there.
"Hey Charlie, how have you been?" Elvis said.
"Pretty good, Elvis. Come in, come in," Charlie said. He led Elvis in, and then wandered into the kitchen to make some coffee. Once the pot was percolating nicely, he moved to the kitchen table, where Elvis was already sitting. Soon Hep and Scroat joined them. Jim was outside exploring Charlie land.
"Howdy gentlemen," Elvis said. "The word on the street is that you've saved the world, again."
"So it would seem," Hep said. "What brings you out this way?"
"Well, I just couldn't wait to see you guys in person and hear the news from your own mouths," Elvis said and grinned. "You done good, fellas."
"Aww, it was nothing," Hep said.
"Yeah, nothing," Scroat said sarcastically. "Easy to say for the guy who didn't get killed this time around."
They had coffee, and shared some of the funnier moments of their trip with Elvis. They all laughed heartily about the time Jeb threw a giant hot dog at them, as well as their adventure chasing a penguin through a hotel in Wyoming, only to get thrown out.
Elvis told them that he'd heard Seth was sent back to the Upper Realms of Ra.
"Being the voice of thunder can't be so bad," Hep said.
"I don't know. You ever heard of a thunder bucket?" Scroat asked, and laughed.
"What happened to Jeb?" Charlie asked.
"Well, I don't rightly know," Elvis said. "I'm sure he'll turn up, though."
"Yeah, and that fucker still owes me money," Scroat said.
Once they were a little more awake, Charlie made a huge breakfast for them, and they ate until they could barely move.
"I don't think I even need to see any more biscuits and gravy for a long time," Elvis said as he sat back and pushed his plate away from him.
Scroat belched in agreement.
"Thanks Scroat, I'll take that as a compliment," Charlie said.
Charlie came inside. "Man, you've got a lot of land out here," he said to Charlie.
"Yep. It's good to be a god, here in god's country," Charlie said, and laughed.
After a while, Hep and Scroat began packing again, getting ready for the last stretch of road before they got home. As they loaded up their bikes, Charlie, Elvis and Jim stood nearby shooting the breeze. Charlie showed off his new bike to Elvis, who was duly impressed.
"Always loved that Italian styling. I should tell you about my Pantera sometime, I've got some great photos," Elvis said.
Soon, Hep and Scroat were ready to roll out. They went over and shook hands with Charlie and Elvis, and started walking back to their bikes. Jim drifted along behind them.
"Say Jim," Elvis said, "how'd you like to come back to Portland with me?"
"Really? You mean it?" Jim said
"Sure, I can use a fella with your talents," Elvis said. "You'd make a fine fly on the wall, I think. That is, if you're up for some more adventure."
"Sure! That'd be great!" Jim said.
Hep and Scroat glanced at each other.
"Well, good luck Jim. Stop in and visit sometime," Hep said.
"Only don't leave any shit behind so we have to chase you down and give it back. That's just a dick move, got it?" Scroat added.
"Yeah, I got it. Bye guys. See you around." Jim said.
Hep and Scroat fired up their bikes and got moving. Soon they were headed southwest towards the deserts of Arizona, and their home outside of Tucson.
On their way home, they cut through New Mexico. Hep wanted to see Roswell. He was a bit disappointed, since the vibe of the town was more "poor" than "otherworldly."
They also stopped at an odd surplus shop that was half cold-war museum and half appliance boneyard.
Eventually they got into Arizona. It was dark and the rode through the desert was cold. They were eager to get home, and rode fast and hard to get there.
They finally got to their house, and pulled their bikes into the garage. They stumbled through their house, and both fell asleep within seconds of falling into their own beds.
That night, Hep dreamt of Tommy. He and Scroat were hanging out on the patio at a nice bar, drinking fine tequila with beer chasers. Tommy came up to the table.
"Hey, guys, how you been?" Tommy asked.
"Not too bad, not too bad," Hep said, and took a pull from his glass of beer.
"Glad to hear it," Tommy said, "So..."
Hep interrupted him, "Hey Scroat, wasn't there something you wanted to give Tommy?"
Tommy looked mildly confused.
"Oh yeah! Yeah, I got something fucking important to give you, pal," Scroat said. He stood up, directly in front of Tommy.
"I've been meaning to give you this since we left on that fucking trip," Scroat said, and hauled off and kicked Tommy as hard as he could straight in the balls.
Scroat smiled at Hep and sat down again.
"Damn, I feel a whole lot better now. Thanks Hep!" Scroat said.
"No problem," Hep said, smiling slightly.
Tommy laid on the ground, gasping for air. Eventually he stood up again, and left the bar, limping. "See you guys around," he muttered.
Hep and Scroat enjoyed the rest of their drinks, and then went back to their own dreams.
***
The next morning, Hep crept into Scroat's room, carrying his favorite hammer. He slammed it down next to Scroat's head."Who the fuck made you king shit of fuck mountain, you rotten bag of fuck?" Scroat yelled as he snapped awake.
"Yeah, it's good to be home," Hep said, and smiled again. He left the room and went into the kitchen to make coffee.
After he got the coffee going, he went to check their answering machine. He skipped through the multitude of automated telemarketer messages, and stopped when he got to a message from a familiar, masculine voice.
"Hey, Hep, it's Ellie! Man, have I got a great opportunity for you! I'm going to be down in that area sometime next week, I'll see you then!"
"Aw, shit." Hep said.
"Who was that?" Scroat asked.
"Ellie," Hep answered.
"Aw, fuck!" Scroat exclaimed.
And that, dear reader, is
THE MOTHERFUCKING END.
Chapter 32
Hep and everyone else except Tommy checked into a motel in Brainerd. Most of them were hanging out in Hep's room, laughing about Seth. After a while, they settled down a bit, and got started on some serious beer consumption.
Jim said to Scroat, "What the hell, man? I thought you were dead."
"Dead? Fuck that bullshit! Just because I got killed doesn't mean I wound up dead! It just meant that I went back to Australia. I had to scramble to catch the first fucking plan back here, too. And I fucking hate flying. It used to be fun, but it's just too much of a pain in the ass these days.
"Also, I was stuck on a goddamn plan for twenty fucking hours. Seth got off easy tonight if you ask me." Scroat said.
"What about Seth? I thought he got blown to pieces," Jim said.
"And that wasn't even almost enough pain for that bastard. But I told you, just because we get killed doesn't mean we're dead. Seth probably woke up in a pyramid, molested a couple of anthropologists - the sick fucker - and flew back to finish what he started.
"You can slow us down a bit, but it's mighty fucking hard to make a god dead." Scroat said.
Jim still look puzzled.
"Remember what I said about asking questions your dumb little mind can't handle the answer to?" Charlie asked Jim.
"Fuck off," Jim said.
"Don't be like that! We still love you!" Charlie said, and laughed.
Hep and Aphrodite were off in a corner, getting reacquainted. It had been a long, long time since they'd seen each other, after all. They talked about the different places they'd gone, and gods that they'd met out there. They carefully avoided talking about their past together. Hep figured that several hundred years apart probably qualified as a divorce, somewhere.
He wasn't surprised to learn about her porn and voodoo shop in New Orleans. Hep figured that you have to stick with what you're good at, after all.
Eventually, they joined the rest of the party again. Hep got involved in a card game with Too Tall, Dave, Jim and Charlie. Athena and Minerva turned in early, so Aphrodite started talking to Scroat.
Not much longer after that, she and Scroat left the room. No one noticed, as they was pretty wrapped up in the game. Between hands, Dave asked in a general way where everyone had gone.
A couple of hours later, Scroat came back into the room, looking divinely happy.
"You look awfully cheerful there Scroat," Charlie said.
"Well, what can I say? It's been a good fucking day, and I'm glad to be alive," Scroat said, and gave Charlie a very toothy grin.
Eventually everyone went back to their own rooms, and Hep, Scroat and Jim were the only ones left in the room.
Hep turned to Scroat, "You know, if I find out you were fooling around with Aphrodite, I'm going to have to kill you."
"Easy there, big fella. Can't a guy be in a good mood?" Scroat asked, and smiled.
"Sure, but you look too happy. In fact, you haven't looked quite so happy since I told you we were going to Vegas." Hep said.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Hep. Good night," Scroat said, and turned in.
"Good night," Hep said. Shortly after that, he went to sleep too.
"Not a thing. All is right with the world," Hep said.
He'd made prime rib, mashed potatoes, asparagus, bread rolls, black-eyed peas, wild rice soup and a wonderful assortment of other side dishes. Tommy had also dug out as many candles as he could find and put them out all over the house. He had enough candles going that he didn't even need to turn any lights on when it got dark out. That pleased him; it made the occasion feel more like the old days.
When they arrived, Tommy answered the door in his best suit, and asked them to come in and make themselves at home. He brought out a bottle of wine, and they toasted to the successful conclusion of their adventure. Once they had finished with the wine, they went in to the dining room, and he brought out dinner. Dave joked that they should say grace before eating.
They began to eat, and the food Tommy had prepared was wonderful. He kept them well supplied with wine, and they generally had a great time remembering some of the funnier moments of their trip.
Suddenly, in the middle of the meal, Jeb burst in the front door, brandishing a pump shotgun.
"Where is it?" Jeb yelled. "Give me that damn tobacco pouch!"
"It's right over there," Tommy said, and pointed at his coffee table. Jeb rushed over to grab it, and in his haste he tripped over his own feet. He landed on a side table that Tommy used as a bar, and knocked all the bottles to the floor. Most of them broke open, spilling liquor all over the floor.
"Dammit, Jeb! Why have you got to make a mess of my house?" Tommy yelled. "We're just having dinner here, get the fuck out!"
Jeb got to his feet again, and walked over the coffee table. He picked up Tommy's tobacco pouch and shook it at them.
He laughed a bit, and said "It's mine! Victory is mine!" Then he turned to leave, but slipped in a puddle of whiskey. He struggled to catch his balance, but tripped again and knocked over a large candleabra. The candles fell into the spreading lake of booze, which promptly caught fire. In seconds the entire room was ablaze.
Jeb managed to finally get his feet under him, and ran out the front door, still laughing and shaking the tobacco pouch.
"Holy shit! Everyone get out of the house!" Tommy yelled. They all ran out the back door, and went around the yard to the front of the house. The fire spread remarkably quickly, and within minutes, the entire house was engulfed in flame.
"Man, that guy really does spread bad luck," Charlie commented under his breath.
Tommy was stomping around yelling "I just don't believe this shit!"
One of the neighbors had called the fire department, but the house was gutted by the time they arrived. They put out the fire, and Tommy was left with a burnt out shell of a house.
"Damn. And I really liked that pouch too." Tommy said.
Jim asked Hep, "Don't we need to go catch Jeb?"
"Not unless Tommy needs help kicking his ass," Hep said.
"But wasn't the whole point of this trip to return Tommy's tobacco pouch?" Jeb asked.
"No, the point was to make sure that Tommy's could play out his own myth. The tobacco pouch was just a part of that. We returned it to Tommy, he invited us for dinner, it ended catastrophically, and now we're off the hook.
"Though, as I said, if Tommy wants help kicking Jeb's ass, I think most of us would be up for it." Hep said.
Tommy turned to them, " I can't believe that bastard had the gall to steal my favorite tobacco pouch, and set my house on fire. Seriously, someone needs to teach him some manners."
"Do you want to go find him and lump him up a bit?" Charlie asked. "It might be therapeutic."
"Nah, I'm too tired for that. I'd better figure out where I'm going to sleep tonight." Tommy said. "Thanks for coming over y'all. I hope you had a good time."
"Sure did, Tommy," Hep said. "You can come stay at the motel with us. I think there are some vacancies left,"
"Nah, I've had my eye on a place nearby. I'll just go set up house over there, it'll be like none of this ever happened." Tommy said.
"All right then. Have a good night Tommy," Hep said, and they left.
As they walked away, Jim looked at Hep repeatedly.
"What do you want to know, Jim?" Hep asked, tired.
"How can he be so mellow? His house just burned down, and he doesn't have a home now," Jim said.
"Tommy's used to it," Hep said.
"How's that?" Jim asked.
"Tommy's house burns down, or is otherwise destroyed four or five times a year. Sometimes more, if he's been particularly active. It's all part of his mythology. He can't really avoid it, but he knows enough to plan ahead for it now. He'll be as good as new tomorrow, just you wait and see. It'll be like tonight never happened, at least for him." Hep said.
"Yeah but..." Jim started.
"He's used to it, Jim. Right now he's probably already settled in at his new house. He's a wily old trickster, and he can handle this. Ok?"
"I guess," Jim said.
They all went back to the motel, and ordered several pizzas. Dave and Too Tall, of course, went to get beer. The pizza took an unusually long time getting there. When they called to find out where it was, they learned that the driver had hit some guy who'd been running down the middle of the road laughing and waving a little leather bag around.
Another driver was on their way with the pizzas.
Since they weren't going to starve, they relaxed and got started on the beer. Tonight was a night for celebration, after all. Their quest was over, now all that was left was wrapping things up and getting home somehow.
Scroat and Charlie were going to need new bikes, Hep remembered. He smiled. Tomorrow was going to be a fun day. They all liked going shopping for new bikes.
Jim said to Scroat, "What the hell, man? I thought you were dead."
"Dead? Fuck that bullshit! Just because I got killed doesn't mean I wound up dead! It just meant that I went back to Australia. I had to scramble to catch the first fucking plan back here, too. And I fucking hate flying. It used to be fun, but it's just too much of a pain in the ass these days.
"Also, I was stuck on a goddamn plan for twenty fucking hours. Seth got off easy tonight if you ask me." Scroat said.
"What about Seth? I thought he got blown to pieces," Jim said.
"And that wasn't even almost enough pain for that bastard. But I told you, just because we get killed doesn't mean we're dead. Seth probably woke up in a pyramid, molested a couple of anthropologists - the sick fucker - and flew back to finish what he started.
"You can slow us down a bit, but it's mighty fucking hard to make a god dead." Scroat said.
Jim still look puzzled.
"Remember what I said about asking questions your dumb little mind can't handle the answer to?" Charlie asked Jim.
"Fuck off," Jim said.
"Don't be like that! We still love you!" Charlie said, and laughed.
Hep and Aphrodite were off in a corner, getting reacquainted. It had been a long, long time since they'd seen each other, after all. They talked about the different places they'd gone, and gods that they'd met out there. They carefully avoided talking about their past together. Hep figured that several hundred years apart probably qualified as a divorce, somewhere.
He wasn't surprised to learn about her porn and voodoo shop in New Orleans. Hep figured that you have to stick with what you're good at, after all.
Eventually, they joined the rest of the party again. Hep got involved in a card game with Too Tall, Dave, Jim and Charlie. Athena and Minerva turned in early, so Aphrodite started talking to Scroat.
Not much longer after that, she and Scroat left the room. No one noticed, as they was pretty wrapped up in the game. Between hands, Dave asked in a general way where everyone had gone.
A couple of hours later, Scroat came back into the room, looking divinely happy.
"You look awfully cheerful there Scroat," Charlie said.
"Well, what can I say? It's been a good fucking day, and I'm glad to be alive," Scroat said, and gave Charlie a very toothy grin.
Eventually everyone went back to their own rooms, and Hep, Scroat and Jim were the only ones left in the room.
Hep turned to Scroat, "You know, if I find out you were fooling around with Aphrodite, I'm going to have to kill you."
"Easy there, big fella. Can't a guy be in a good mood?" Scroat asked, and smiled.
"Sure, but you look too happy. In fact, you haven't looked quite so happy since I told you we were going to Vegas." Hep said.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Hep. Good night," Scroat said, and turned in.
"Good night," Hep said. Shortly after that, he went to sleep too.
***
"You shitty, horse faced mother fucker! What's your god damn problem?" Scroat yelled the next morning as Hep grinned and set his hammer down."Not a thing. All is right with the world," Hep said.
***
That night, the group headed over to Tommy's house for dinner. Tommy had spent the whole day getting ready and cooking. It seemed to him that, for once, things might actually work out the way he wanted.He'd made prime rib, mashed potatoes, asparagus, bread rolls, black-eyed peas, wild rice soup and a wonderful assortment of other side dishes. Tommy had also dug out as many candles as he could find and put them out all over the house. He had enough candles going that he didn't even need to turn any lights on when it got dark out. That pleased him; it made the occasion feel more like the old days.
When they arrived, Tommy answered the door in his best suit, and asked them to come in and make themselves at home. He brought out a bottle of wine, and they toasted to the successful conclusion of their adventure. Once they had finished with the wine, they went in to the dining room, and he brought out dinner. Dave joked that they should say grace before eating.
They began to eat, and the food Tommy had prepared was wonderful. He kept them well supplied with wine, and they generally had a great time remembering some of the funnier moments of their trip.
Suddenly, in the middle of the meal, Jeb burst in the front door, brandishing a pump shotgun.
"Where is it?" Jeb yelled. "Give me that damn tobacco pouch!"
"It's right over there," Tommy said, and pointed at his coffee table. Jeb rushed over to grab it, and in his haste he tripped over his own feet. He landed on a side table that Tommy used as a bar, and knocked all the bottles to the floor. Most of them broke open, spilling liquor all over the floor.
"Dammit, Jeb! Why have you got to make a mess of my house?" Tommy yelled. "We're just having dinner here, get the fuck out!"
Jeb got to his feet again, and walked over the coffee table. He picked up Tommy's tobacco pouch and shook it at them.
He laughed a bit, and said "It's mine! Victory is mine!" Then he turned to leave, but slipped in a puddle of whiskey. He struggled to catch his balance, but tripped again and knocked over a large candleabra. The candles fell into the spreading lake of booze, which promptly caught fire. In seconds the entire room was ablaze.
Jeb managed to finally get his feet under him, and ran out the front door, still laughing and shaking the tobacco pouch.
"Holy shit! Everyone get out of the house!" Tommy yelled. They all ran out the back door, and went around the yard to the front of the house. The fire spread remarkably quickly, and within minutes, the entire house was engulfed in flame.
"Man, that guy really does spread bad luck," Charlie commented under his breath.
Tommy was stomping around yelling "I just don't believe this shit!"
One of the neighbors had called the fire department, but the house was gutted by the time they arrived. They put out the fire, and Tommy was left with a burnt out shell of a house.
"Damn. And I really liked that pouch too." Tommy said.
Jim asked Hep, "Don't we need to go catch Jeb?"
"Not unless Tommy needs help kicking his ass," Hep said.
"But wasn't the whole point of this trip to return Tommy's tobacco pouch?" Jeb asked.
"No, the point was to make sure that Tommy's could play out his own myth. The tobacco pouch was just a part of that. We returned it to Tommy, he invited us for dinner, it ended catastrophically, and now we're off the hook.
"Though, as I said, if Tommy wants help kicking Jeb's ass, I think most of us would be up for it." Hep said.
Tommy turned to them, " I can't believe that bastard had the gall to steal my favorite tobacco pouch, and set my house on fire. Seriously, someone needs to teach him some manners."
"Do you want to go find him and lump him up a bit?" Charlie asked. "It might be therapeutic."
"Nah, I'm too tired for that. I'd better figure out where I'm going to sleep tonight." Tommy said. "Thanks for coming over y'all. I hope you had a good time."
"Sure did, Tommy," Hep said. "You can come stay at the motel with us. I think there are some vacancies left,"
"Nah, I've had my eye on a place nearby. I'll just go set up house over there, it'll be like none of this ever happened." Tommy said.
"All right then. Have a good night Tommy," Hep said, and they left.
As they walked away, Jim looked at Hep repeatedly.
"What do you want to know, Jim?" Hep asked, tired.
"How can he be so mellow? His house just burned down, and he doesn't have a home now," Jim said.
"Tommy's used to it," Hep said.
"How's that?" Jim asked.
"Tommy's house burns down, or is otherwise destroyed four or five times a year. Sometimes more, if he's been particularly active. It's all part of his mythology. He can't really avoid it, but he knows enough to plan ahead for it now. He'll be as good as new tomorrow, just you wait and see. It'll be like tonight never happened, at least for him." Hep said.
"Yeah but..." Jim started.
"He's used to it, Jim. Right now he's probably already settled in at his new house. He's a wily old trickster, and he can handle this. Ok?"
"I guess," Jim said.
They all went back to the motel, and ordered several pizzas. Dave and Too Tall, of course, went to get beer. The pizza took an unusually long time getting there. When they called to find out where it was, they learned that the driver had hit some guy who'd been running down the middle of the road laughing and waving a little leather bag around.
Another driver was on their way with the pizzas.
Since they weren't going to starve, they relaxed and got started on the beer. Tonight was a night for celebration, after all. Their quest was over, now all that was left was wrapping things up and getting home somehow.
Scroat and Charlie were going to need new bikes, Hep remembered. He smiled. Tomorrow was going to be a fun day. They all liked going shopping for new bikes.
Chapter 31
The next morning, Hep and the rest woke up early. The motel they were at had a crappy tray of cream cheese danishes and coffee that tasted like it was three weeks old. After a bite of Danish and a sip of coffee, they decided to forgo breakfast and just hit the road.
They rode north, avoiding major freeways as much as possible. The roads they took mainly took them through farmland and the outskirts of suburbs. They were annoyed with how slow all the drivers were.
"Doesn't anyone have a place to go?" Charlie yelled to Hep.
"I guess not," Hep answered.
Tommy said, "They're just making sure they aren't missing any opportunities to feel guilty and be nice to people. Give 'em a break!"
As they got further north, Hep remembered something about a twine ball in Darwin. Too bad it was out of the way; he resolved to stop and see it on his way home.
Around seven in the morning he dozed off. About half an hour after that, someone shook him awake.
"Hey, aren't you that fucker Hep was being all mysterious with back in Denver?" Scroat asked him.
"Huh? Oh, yeah. What are you doing here at the airport? I thought you were still riding with Hep." Ian said.
"It's a long story," Scroat said. "So are you here to give me a ride, or what?"
"Yeah. We have to stop by a bank here quick and pick something up, then we'll head to Brainerd. I hope you don't mind riding bitch," Ian said.
"Of course I mind riding bitch. I guess, since these are extenuating circumstances, I'll let it slide this time," Scroat said. "What do we have to get at the bank?"
"Something Hep gave me," Ian said. "Let's go. I'm not parked too far away."
Five minutes after Ian and Scroat left, Seth emerged from the concourse, and waited by the curb outside to be picked up. Shortly, a car pulled up to the curb next to him, and he got in.
"Take me to Brainerd," he said.
The banker who led them into the vault waited just inside the door as Ian dug around in his jacket to find the key for the safe deposit box. Eventually he found it, and opened the small box he'd rented. He grabbed the parcel inside, and stuffed it into an inner pocket of his jacket.
Then he locked the box again and put it back.
"Thanks," he said to the banker as they left the vault.
Once outside, they rode north to Brainerd.
Hep and Jim rode around Brainerd, mainly silent. On the outskirts of town, Hep saw a giant Paul Bunyan statue. He rode up to it, and parked. Hep and Jim went up to the statue to check it out. It seemed no one was home in this statue, which put both of them at ease.
There was an old-timey red telephone next to Paul. "Talk to Paul!" a small sign read. Hep picked up the phone, and a comically deep voice slowly told him a horrible joke. Hep had no idea that Paul, in addition to being a folk hero, was also a punster.
"Was that worthwhile?" Jim asked him as he hung up the phone.
"Barely," Hep said, and grinned. "Think Ian's arrived yet?"
"Let's go find out," Jim said.
The walked back to the bike, and were quite surprised to see a shiny black Corvette parked next to their bikes, and a pretty blond lady leaning against it waiting for them.
"Hi Hep," Aphrodite said as he and Jim got closer. "Who's your friend?"
"This is Jim, he's been tagging along. What are you doing here Aphrodite?" Hep asked.
"I heard you and Scroat managed to get yourselves into a whole bunch of trouble. I thought you might need a hand." Aphrodite answered.
"Do you live up here?" Hep asked.
"Nope. I drove straight through from New Orleans. You wouldn't believe how quickly a trip like that passes in a car like this." Aphrodite said, and laughed.
"I can imagine. We're headed back to Tommy's, if you want to come with," Hep said.
Hep led the way back to Tommy's house. They parked, and went inside.
Tommy's house was neat, but worn. He had leather furniture that had been nice once, but was beginning to wear out. There were a couple of tears here and there in the leather where the stuffing was coming out. He had a huge stereo system that was probably twenty five years out of date. His carpet, once luxurious, was now worn out in spots, and there were several well-worn paths showing where Tommy normally walked. There was a lot of tasteless art on the walls, stuff that was a shadow and a wink away from being pornography.
"Who's this, Hep?" Too Tall asked, as Hep led Aphrodite inside.
"Aphrodite, of course," Hep said. "Everyone, Aphrodite; Aphrodite, everyone."
"Haven't seen you for a while," Athena said. "I thought you were still back in Greece."
"No, I've been here a while, living in New Orleans," Aphrodite said.
"How's Ares been?" Athena asked pointedly.
"I wouldn't know, the last time I saw him was just after I brained him with a rock during that thing with the Trojans," Aphrodite said sweetly.
"Well, at least the nail is in the treads. I've got a patch kit, and a CO2 inflator, so we should be rolling again in no time," Ian said, as he pulled the nail out with a pair of pliers.
"Jeez, that's a nasty bastard," he said as he examined it. It was easily six inches long. He plugged the hole with his patch kit, and inflated his tire again.
"This should hold us until Brainerd, anyway," Ian said.
"Fuckin' a!" Scroat said. "Let's get moving."
They rolled out again. The tire held up fine, and they were at Tommy's house shortly.
Ian and Scroat were surprised to see Seth and Jeb standing next their car, waiting.
"Aw, fuck! Not you again!" Scroat said.
"Oh yes! Me, again!" Seth said, and laughed. "It's good to see you too, Scroat!"
Hep and Charlie burst out Tommy's front door. Dave and the rest followed close behind.
"How many times are we going to have to kill you until you piss off?" Charlie asked Seth.
"A few more, I'm afraid," Seth said, smiling. He drew a pistol from his jacket and pointed it at Dave and Too Tall. "Now then, Hep, I believe you have something that I want. Hand it over and I won't shoot your mortal friends."
"Well, I'd love to, but I don't have it," Hep said. "Now that I think about it, I wouldn't give it to you even if I did have it."
Seth cocked the hammer on his revolver. "I'm sure these two would want you to reconsider."
"Fuck that! I doubt you could hit either one of us anyway," Dave called.
"I'm quite sure that I can hit both of you, my friend," Seth said, and smiled at him.
While Seth's attention was focused on Dave and Too Tall, Aphrodite had picked up a rock from Tommy's yard.
"Oh, Seth!" she called. Seth turned to look, and she threw the rock at his head with all her might. It hit Seth just above his left eye, drawing blood.
"Fuck!" Seth exclaimed, and pulled the trigger on his pistol. The bullet completely missed Dave and Too Tall, though it did hit an unfortunate crow nearby. Dave and Too Tall looked at each other.
"Fuck," Dave said, relieved.
"Fuck," Too Tall agreed.
The crow, being a goddess of war, was dismayed and severely annoyed by this turn of events.
Charlie, Scroat, Ian and Athena took the opportunity to rush Seth. Charlie took a flying leap at Seth and tackled him. The revolver went off again, and hit Charlie's Ducati, shattering the plastic and doing untold damage to the finicky Italian innards of the bike.
"You fucking dick!" Charlie yelled, and drove his knee into Seth's gut. Scroat, Ian and Athena quickly moved in to tie up Seth. They had him hog-tied within a matter of seconds.
Charlie was walking around in circles, cursing so much that Scroat began to giggle with glee. "I can't believe you shot my fucking bike. You fucking assmuncher! I oughta rip off your balls and cram them down your fucking throat, except that'd be far too nice. Fuck!"
"Dammit Jeb, you and your bad fucking luck," Seth said.
"It's not Jeb's fucking fault, you're just dealing with superior fucking intellects here," Scroat said, and shoved a rag into Seth's mouth to gag him.
They left Seth laying on the grass. Charlie stayed nearby, keeping one eye on Jeb. "Don't do anything stupid, Jeb. I'm already way past blowing my cool."
Ian and Scroat walked back to where Tommy and Hep were standing.
"Here's that thing, Hep" Ian said, and dug the parcel out of his pocket.
"Thanks Ian," Hep said, and unwrapped Tommy's tobacco pouch. He turned to Tommy.
"I think you left this at my house, Tommy," Hep said, and held it out to Tommy.
Tommy took it, "Hey, thanks man, I've been missing this. Say, you guys should all come over for dinner. How about tomorrow night?"
"Sounds good, Tommy," Hep said. He turned to look at Seth. "What should we do with him?"
Jim spoke up. "I've got an idea," he said, and whispered to Hep.
Hep laughed out loud and said "Damn Jim, I like the way you think."
Jim smiled, and then clobbered Seth's head with a big rock.
"Hello? Who's this?" Seth asked.
"...and I said 'To termites, a group of dead trees is an arbor eat'um,' hyuck hyuck hyuck" the voice said.
Seth finally looked around enough to realize he was tied to a Paul Bunyan statue. And it was talking to him.
He bellowed in a rage, but he was far away from any houses, and all the Minnesotans were already asleep, so no one heard him.
They rode north, avoiding major freeways as much as possible. The roads they took mainly took them through farmland and the outskirts of suburbs. They were annoyed with how slow all the drivers were.
"Doesn't anyone have a place to go?" Charlie yelled to Hep.
"I guess not," Hep answered.
Tommy said, "They're just making sure they aren't missing any opportunities to feel guilty and be nice to people. Give 'em a break!"
As they got further north, Hep remembered something about a twine ball in Darwin. Too bad it was out of the way; he resolved to stop and see it on his way home.
***
Ian had spent the entire night in the airport, waiting for whoever he was supposed to pick up. He'd had a lot of coffee, and was still having a hell of a time staying awake enough to watch.Around seven in the morning he dozed off. About half an hour after that, someone shook him awake.
"Hey, aren't you that fucker Hep was being all mysterious with back in Denver?" Scroat asked him.
"Huh? Oh, yeah. What are you doing here at the airport? I thought you were still riding with Hep." Ian said.
"It's a long story," Scroat said. "So are you here to give me a ride, or what?"
"Yeah. We have to stop by a bank here quick and pick something up, then we'll head to Brainerd. I hope you don't mind riding bitch," Ian said.
"Of course I mind riding bitch. I guess, since these are extenuating circumstances, I'll let it slide this time," Scroat said. "What do we have to get at the bank?"
"Something Hep gave me," Ian said. "Let's go. I'm not parked too far away."
Five minutes after Ian and Scroat left, Seth emerged from the concourse, and waited by the curb outside to be picked up. Shortly, a car pulled up to the curb next to him, and he got in.
"Take me to Brainerd," he said.
***
Ian and Scroat waited in line at the airport. They looked rather out of place among all the well-dressed business men and women in their riding leathers. Ian finally got someone to help him, and they went into the safe to open the box.The banker who led them into the vault waited just inside the door as Ian dug around in his jacket to find the key for the safe deposit box. Eventually he found it, and opened the small box he'd rented. He grabbed the parcel inside, and stuffed it into an inner pocket of his jacket.
Then he locked the box again and put it back.
"Thanks," he said to the banker as they left the vault.
Once outside, they rode north to Brainerd.
***
Hep and the rest reached Brainerd early in the afternoon. They dropped Tommy off at his house, and Charlie, Tommy, Minerva, Athena, Dave and Too Tall went inside. Hep told them he wanted to explore Brainerd a bit, until Ian arrived. Jim rode with Hep.Hep and Jim rode around Brainerd, mainly silent. On the outskirts of town, Hep saw a giant Paul Bunyan statue. He rode up to it, and parked. Hep and Jim went up to the statue to check it out. It seemed no one was home in this statue, which put both of them at ease.
There was an old-timey red telephone next to Paul. "Talk to Paul!" a small sign read. Hep picked up the phone, and a comically deep voice slowly told him a horrible joke. Hep had no idea that Paul, in addition to being a folk hero, was also a punster.
"Was that worthwhile?" Jim asked him as he hung up the phone.
"Barely," Hep said, and grinned. "Think Ian's arrived yet?"
"Let's go find out," Jim said.
The walked back to the bike, and were quite surprised to see a shiny black Corvette parked next to their bikes, and a pretty blond lady leaning against it waiting for them.
"Hi Hep," Aphrodite said as he and Jim got closer. "Who's your friend?"
"This is Jim, he's been tagging along. What are you doing here Aphrodite?" Hep asked.
"I heard you and Scroat managed to get yourselves into a whole bunch of trouble. I thought you might need a hand." Aphrodite answered.
"Do you live up here?" Hep asked.
"Nope. I drove straight through from New Orleans. You wouldn't believe how quickly a trip like that passes in a car like this." Aphrodite said, and laughed.
"I can imagine. We're headed back to Tommy's, if you want to come with," Hep said.
Hep led the way back to Tommy's house. They parked, and went inside.
Tommy's house was neat, but worn. He had leather furniture that had been nice once, but was beginning to wear out. There were a couple of tears here and there in the leather where the stuffing was coming out. He had a huge stereo system that was probably twenty five years out of date. His carpet, once luxurious, was now worn out in spots, and there were several well-worn paths showing where Tommy normally walked. There was a lot of tasteless art on the walls, stuff that was a shadow and a wink away from being pornography.
"Who's this, Hep?" Too Tall asked, as Hep led Aphrodite inside.
"Aphrodite, of course," Hep said. "Everyone, Aphrodite; Aphrodite, everyone."
"Haven't seen you for a while," Athena said. "I thought you were still back in Greece."
"No, I've been here a while, living in New Orleans," Aphrodite said.
"How's Ares been?" Athena asked pointedly.
"I wouldn't know, the last time I saw him was just after I brained him with a rock during that thing with the Trojans," Aphrodite said sweetly.
***
Ian and Scroat were just twenty miles away from Brainerd when a nail lodged itself in Ian's rear tire. Though they hadn't seen the nail, they soon heard the tell-tall thumpita-thumpita of a flat tire. Ian eased the bike to the side of the road, and inspected the damage."Well, at least the nail is in the treads. I've got a patch kit, and a CO2 inflator, so we should be rolling again in no time," Ian said, as he pulled the nail out with a pair of pliers.
"Jeez, that's a nasty bastard," he said as he examined it. It was easily six inches long. He plugged the hole with his patch kit, and inflated his tire again.
"This should hold us until Brainerd, anyway," Ian said.
"Fuckin' a!" Scroat said. "Let's get moving."
They rolled out again. The tire held up fine, and they were at Tommy's house shortly.
Ian and Scroat were surprised to see Seth and Jeb standing next their car, waiting.
"Aw, fuck! Not you again!" Scroat said.
"Oh yes! Me, again!" Seth said, and laughed. "It's good to see you too, Scroat!"
Hep and Charlie burst out Tommy's front door. Dave and the rest followed close behind.
"How many times are we going to have to kill you until you piss off?" Charlie asked Seth.
"A few more, I'm afraid," Seth said, smiling. He drew a pistol from his jacket and pointed it at Dave and Too Tall. "Now then, Hep, I believe you have something that I want. Hand it over and I won't shoot your mortal friends."
"Well, I'd love to, but I don't have it," Hep said. "Now that I think about it, I wouldn't give it to you even if I did have it."
Seth cocked the hammer on his revolver. "I'm sure these two would want you to reconsider."
"Fuck that! I doubt you could hit either one of us anyway," Dave called.
"I'm quite sure that I can hit both of you, my friend," Seth said, and smiled at him.
While Seth's attention was focused on Dave and Too Tall, Aphrodite had picked up a rock from Tommy's yard.
"Oh, Seth!" she called. Seth turned to look, and she threw the rock at his head with all her might. It hit Seth just above his left eye, drawing blood.
"Fuck!" Seth exclaimed, and pulled the trigger on his pistol. The bullet completely missed Dave and Too Tall, though it did hit an unfortunate crow nearby. Dave and Too Tall looked at each other.
"Fuck," Dave said, relieved.
"Fuck," Too Tall agreed.
The crow, being a goddess of war, was dismayed and severely annoyed by this turn of events.
Charlie, Scroat, Ian and Athena took the opportunity to rush Seth. Charlie took a flying leap at Seth and tackled him. The revolver went off again, and hit Charlie's Ducati, shattering the plastic and doing untold damage to the finicky Italian innards of the bike.
"You fucking dick!" Charlie yelled, and drove his knee into Seth's gut. Scroat, Ian and Athena quickly moved in to tie up Seth. They had him hog-tied within a matter of seconds.
Charlie was walking around in circles, cursing so much that Scroat began to giggle with glee. "I can't believe you shot my fucking bike. You fucking assmuncher! I oughta rip off your balls and cram them down your fucking throat, except that'd be far too nice. Fuck!"
"Dammit Jeb, you and your bad fucking luck," Seth said.
"It's not Jeb's fucking fault, you're just dealing with superior fucking intellects here," Scroat said, and shoved a rag into Seth's mouth to gag him.
They left Seth laying on the grass. Charlie stayed nearby, keeping one eye on Jeb. "Don't do anything stupid, Jeb. I'm already way past blowing my cool."
Ian and Scroat walked back to where Tommy and Hep were standing.
"Here's that thing, Hep" Ian said, and dug the parcel out of his pocket.
"Thanks Ian," Hep said, and unwrapped Tommy's tobacco pouch. He turned to Tommy.
"I think you left this at my house, Tommy," Hep said, and held it out to Tommy.
Tommy took it, "Hey, thanks man, I've been missing this. Say, you guys should all come over for dinner. How about tomorrow night?"
"Sounds good, Tommy," Hep said. He turned to look at Seth. "What should we do with him?"
Jim spoke up. "I've got an idea," he said, and whispered to Hep.
Hep laughed out loud and said "Damn Jim, I like the way you think."
Jim smiled, and then clobbered Seth's head with a big rock.
***
When Seth came to, he heard a comically deep voice talking to him. He was bolt upright, and he couldn't move his arms or legs. He noticed there was something cold pressed against his ear, and the voice was coming from it."Hello? Who's this?" Seth asked.
"...and I said 'To termites, a group of dead trees is an arbor eat'um,' hyuck hyuck hyuck" the voice said.
Seth finally looked around enough to realize he was tied to a Paul Bunyan statue. And it was talking to him.
He bellowed in a rage, but he was far away from any houses, and all the Minnesotans were already asleep, so no one heard him.
Chapter 30
Hep felt very strange all morning, since waking Scroat up with his hammer had become an important part of his morning routine after two hundred years. He contemplated trying to wake up Charlie, but then thought the ensuing fight might not be worth the brief entertainment.
Charlie, being a war god as well as a blacksmith, tended to be a little grouchy in the morning.
As it was, he started the coffee, and then took a shower. He wondered if the restaurant would have a decent continental breakfast for them. He hoped they'd have good bagels.
When he got out of the shower, Charlie was up, drinking coffee. "Good morning," he said to Hep.
"Morning. Sleep ok?" Hep asked.
"Well enough. You?"
"Yeah. Dreamt of home." Hep said.
"Me too. I hope we can get in and out of Minnesota in a hurry. That cold climate bugs the hell out of me. At least in Aspen when my balls get cold I can go work at my forge for a while." Charlie said.
Hep grunted. "Let's go find some grub," he said.
They walked next door (Charlie drifter) and knocked until Minerva answered the door in a terry cloth robe.
"Good morning. We're going to head down and see what they've got to eat at this place." Hep said.
"Ok, we'll be down in a while," Minerva said and closed the door again.
Hep and the other two then wandered over to the room Tommy, Dave and Too Tall were in. They knocked, and Dave answered the door. Dave and the others were already dressed.
"Good morning, want to get some breakfast?" Hep asked.
"Yep, let's go," Dave said. The six of them went down to the lobby/dining room and were pleased to find that this particular Super 8 had an unusually generous breakfast spread. Hep was mainly glad that they had decent bagels and coffee.
They had all finished eating and were drinking coffee when Athena and Minerva came down. They ate quickly, and added a lot of cream to their coffee so they could drink it in a hurry.
Once they were finished, they all returned to their rooms to get their things, and then they checked out and loaded up their bikes again.
"So how far is it to Mankato?" Charlie asked Hep.
"About five hours if we ride straight through," Hep said.
"Think we'll run into anything funny on the way?" Charlie asked.
"Probably not in Iowa. Who knows what might happen in Minnesota, though," Hep said.
"Think we'll bump into Thor or any of that crew in Minnesota?"
"Nah, last I heard he was living way, way north. And the rest of them have been keeping to themselves." Hep said.
They fired up their bikes, and started riding into Iowa.
Iowa was exceedingly dull to ride through. They passed a water tower that was painted as a smiley face, which brightened everyone's mood slightly. It would be hard not to feel a little cheerful seeing a smiley face that big, Hep thought.
When they hit Des Moines, they started heading north. Apart from many, many, many corn fields, there really wasn't anything interesting to look at until they got to Clear Lake, which was just shy of the Minnesota border.
"Want to stop and see where Buddy Holly's plane crashed?" Charlie asked Hep when they stopped to stretch.
"Nah. Those three weren't all that great. If they hadn't crashed, no one would even remember them," Hep said.
"That's a little harsh, don't you think?" Charlie said.
"Well, what can I say?" Hep replied.
They continued north, and soon crossed the border into Minnesota.
Soon they saw some signs advertising the Spam museum nearby in Austin. If it weren't a detour, Hep would have liked to go. As it was, they kept riding until they got to Mankato. There, they stopped on the north side of town at a Happy Chef restaurant. There was a huge Happy Chef statue, smiling and holding a gigantic wooden spoon to one side of the restaurant. They parked on the other side of the lot from the statue, and walked into the restaurant keeping one eye on the statue until they were sure it wasn't going to try anything funny.
As it was, the statue was overjoyed to see them. Of course, being a happy chef, he was happy to see any one, but he was extra happy to see the seven of them (and their transparent friend). He hoped they'd stop by to chat before they left. He had so much he wanted to tell them!
Hep and the crew went into the Happy Chef. It was every bit a Minnesota family restaurant, with vinyl booths, as well as regular tables with cheap metal chairs, and table cloths under clear plastic.
"So what are we going to do from here?" Minerva asked.
"I think we should find a place to sleep and then head out for Brainerd tomorrow." Charlie said.
"That doesn't sound like a bad idea to me," Hep said. There was a motel right next door, and he wanted to explore Mankato a bit, since he'd heard there was some other amusing things to see. He was particularly interested to see what he'd heard was the ugliest buffalo statue ever erected, placed there to memorialize something like thirty American Indians who had been hung on one day in Mankato.
It sounded like a pretty shitty memorial to Hep, and he was curious to see this ode to bad taste himself.
Their waitress came over to the table. She was a cute, chubby girl with candy-corn colored hair and black & white Doc Marten's oxfords. They ordered, and asked her to leave a pot of coffee at their table.
Soon enough, their food came and they ate. The food was decent, and they enjoyed their meal.
As they left, Hep said, "Well, I don't think the statue's going to attack us. What do you say we go over and check it out?"
"Sure, why not?" Charlie said. The group walked over. The Happy Chef was absolutely delighted! Special visitors!
The group got up to the statue and looked up. "That is one big, happy chef, all right," Tommy said. Hep noticed there was a push button and a speaker at the base of the statue.
He moved forward and pushed it.
A deep, and stupid-sounding voice said "Sometimes, you might notice that your water doesn't have any ice in it. That's because now and then the water gets hungry and eats the ice. Don't be alarmed, it is a perfectly natural occurrence."
The statue's heart sank. That wasn't what he'd wanted to say at all! What he'd wanted to say was "Look out! There's a bunch of red-shirted scooterists right behind you, and they look pissed!"
"That was retarded," Charlie said.
"Yeah," Hep said, and turned to walk back to the bikes. That's when they noticed the scooterists.
"Aw fuck," Tommy said.
Most of the scooter gang were carrying baseball bats and other club-like instruments.
"You bastards!" the apparent leader of the group yelled, and charged at them with a bat over his head, ready to swing. As he got close to Hep, he started to swing.
Hep ducked the bat easily, and punched the scooterist in the gut.
"Hooof!" the scooterist exclaimed, and dropped the bat as he hunched over clutching his stomach. Hep brought his elbow down on the back of the red shirts head, and laid him out on the parking lot.
The rest of the scooterists charged at the group. One ran at Charlie, who nailed him with a right hook to the jaw. The scooterist fell over backwards and didn't get up.
Athena, meanwhile, was in the middle of a group of scooterists, swinging wildly at anything nearby and whooping with joy. Soon most of that group was piled on the ground moaning.
One of the scooterists tried to sneak up behind Tommy, who was busily thrashing a scooterist who had been carrying a length of chain. Jim saw him, and popped up in front of him.
"Ooga Booga, motherfucker!" Jim yelled. The scooterist tripped over his own feet trying to get away, and bashed his head on the bumper of a pickup truck, knocking himself unconscious.
After a couple minutes, Hep's crew had laid out the entire gang.
"You guys just don't learn!" Hep said, then walked over to his bike. The rest followed him, and they roared out of the parking lot, headed north again. They eventually stopped in Savage for the night.
They found a crummy motel on the edge of town that had a parking lot that wrapped around the back, where they could park without their bikes being visible from the road.
"So much for staying low key, huh?" Hep said to Charlie.
"Yeah, I guess," Charlie answered. "Where the hell did those guys come from? I didn't even hear them pull in."
"I don't know," Hep said. "Good trick, though. Remind me to find one of them and ask how they did it some day."
"Sure thing," Charlie said, and grinned.
***
While Hep and the rest were riding to Minnesota, battling scooterists and talking to dumb statues, Ian had been busy finding a bank to rent a safe deposit box in. After he'd located one, he spent the rest of his time bumming around the Twin Cities, waiting to hear from Hep or one of the others.
That night, he got a call from Hep.
"Hey, Ian," Hep said. "Did you get that thing done for me?"
"Sure did," Ian said. "What's next?"
"I need you to go to the airport and pick someone up," Hep said. "Once you're done with that, come and meet us in Brainerd. Bring that thing I gave you."
"Ok. Who am I picking up?" Ian asked.
"You'll know when you see him," Hep said. "Have a good night."
"You too." Ian said. He hung up the phone and went to the Minneapolis airport. He parked his bike and found a comfy looking chair in the arrivals area to wait for who ever he was supposed to pick up.
Charlie, being a war god as well as a blacksmith, tended to be a little grouchy in the morning.
As it was, he started the coffee, and then took a shower. He wondered if the restaurant would have a decent continental breakfast for them. He hoped they'd have good bagels.
When he got out of the shower, Charlie was up, drinking coffee. "Good morning," he said to Hep.
"Morning. Sleep ok?" Hep asked.
"Well enough. You?"
"Yeah. Dreamt of home." Hep said.
"Me too. I hope we can get in and out of Minnesota in a hurry. That cold climate bugs the hell out of me. At least in Aspen when my balls get cold I can go work at my forge for a while." Charlie said.
Hep grunted. "Let's go find some grub," he said.
They walked next door (Charlie drifter) and knocked until Minerva answered the door in a terry cloth robe.
"Good morning. We're going to head down and see what they've got to eat at this place." Hep said.
"Ok, we'll be down in a while," Minerva said and closed the door again.
Hep and the other two then wandered over to the room Tommy, Dave and Too Tall were in. They knocked, and Dave answered the door. Dave and the others were already dressed.
"Good morning, want to get some breakfast?" Hep asked.
"Yep, let's go," Dave said. The six of them went down to the lobby/dining room and were pleased to find that this particular Super 8 had an unusually generous breakfast spread. Hep was mainly glad that they had decent bagels and coffee.
They had all finished eating and were drinking coffee when Athena and Minerva came down. They ate quickly, and added a lot of cream to their coffee so they could drink it in a hurry.
Once they were finished, they all returned to their rooms to get their things, and then they checked out and loaded up their bikes again.
"So how far is it to Mankato?" Charlie asked Hep.
"About five hours if we ride straight through," Hep said.
"Think we'll run into anything funny on the way?" Charlie asked.
"Probably not in Iowa. Who knows what might happen in Minnesota, though," Hep said.
"Think we'll bump into Thor or any of that crew in Minnesota?"
"Nah, last I heard he was living way, way north. And the rest of them have been keeping to themselves." Hep said.
They fired up their bikes, and started riding into Iowa.
Iowa was exceedingly dull to ride through. They passed a water tower that was painted as a smiley face, which brightened everyone's mood slightly. It would be hard not to feel a little cheerful seeing a smiley face that big, Hep thought.
When they hit Des Moines, they started heading north. Apart from many, many, many corn fields, there really wasn't anything interesting to look at until they got to Clear Lake, which was just shy of the Minnesota border.
"Want to stop and see where Buddy Holly's plane crashed?" Charlie asked Hep when they stopped to stretch.
"Nah. Those three weren't all that great. If they hadn't crashed, no one would even remember them," Hep said.
"That's a little harsh, don't you think?" Charlie said.
"Well, what can I say?" Hep replied.
They continued north, and soon crossed the border into Minnesota.
Soon they saw some signs advertising the Spam museum nearby in Austin. If it weren't a detour, Hep would have liked to go. As it was, they kept riding until they got to Mankato. There, they stopped on the north side of town at a Happy Chef restaurant. There was a huge Happy Chef statue, smiling and holding a gigantic wooden spoon to one side of the restaurant. They parked on the other side of the lot from the statue, and walked into the restaurant keeping one eye on the statue until they were sure it wasn't going to try anything funny.
As it was, the statue was overjoyed to see them. Of course, being a happy chef, he was happy to see any one, but he was extra happy to see the seven of them (and their transparent friend). He hoped they'd stop by to chat before they left. He had so much he wanted to tell them!
Hep and the crew went into the Happy Chef. It was every bit a Minnesota family restaurant, with vinyl booths, as well as regular tables with cheap metal chairs, and table cloths under clear plastic.
"So what are we going to do from here?" Minerva asked.
"I think we should find a place to sleep and then head out for Brainerd tomorrow." Charlie said.
"That doesn't sound like a bad idea to me," Hep said. There was a motel right next door, and he wanted to explore Mankato a bit, since he'd heard there was some other amusing things to see. He was particularly interested to see what he'd heard was the ugliest buffalo statue ever erected, placed there to memorialize something like thirty American Indians who had been hung on one day in Mankato.
It sounded like a pretty shitty memorial to Hep, and he was curious to see this ode to bad taste himself.
Their waitress came over to the table. She was a cute, chubby girl with candy-corn colored hair and black & white Doc Marten's oxfords. They ordered, and asked her to leave a pot of coffee at their table.
Soon enough, their food came and they ate. The food was decent, and they enjoyed their meal.
As they left, Hep said, "Well, I don't think the statue's going to attack us. What do you say we go over and check it out?"
"Sure, why not?" Charlie said. The group walked over. The Happy Chef was absolutely delighted! Special visitors!
The group got up to the statue and looked up. "That is one big, happy chef, all right," Tommy said. Hep noticed there was a push button and a speaker at the base of the statue.
He moved forward and pushed it.
A deep, and stupid-sounding voice said "Sometimes, you might notice that your water doesn't have any ice in it. That's because now and then the water gets hungry and eats the ice. Don't be alarmed, it is a perfectly natural occurrence."
The statue's heart sank. That wasn't what he'd wanted to say at all! What he'd wanted to say was "Look out! There's a bunch of red-shirted scooterists right behind you, and they look pissed!"
"That was retarded," Charlie said.
"Yeah," Hep said, and turned to walk back to the bikes. That's when they noticed the scooterists.
"Aw fuck," Tommy said.
Most of the scooter gang were carrying baseball bats and other club-like instruments.
"You bastards!" the apparent leader of the group yelled, and charged at them with a bat over his head, ready to swing. As he got close to Hep, he started to swing.
Hep ducked the bat easily, and punched the scooterist in the gut.
"Hooof!" the scooterist exclaimed, and dropped the bat as he hunched over clutching his stomach. Hep brought his elbow down on the back of the red shirts head, and laid him out on the parking lot.
The rest of the scooterists charged at the group. One ran at Charlie, who nailed him with a right hook to the jaw. The scooterist fell over backwards and didn't get up.
Athena, meanwhile, was in the middle of a group of scooterists, swinging wildly at anything nearby and whooping with joy. Soon most of that group was piled on the ground moaning.
One of the scooterists tried to sneak up behind Tommy, who was busily thrashing a scooterist who had been carrying a length of chain. Jim saw him, and popped up in front of him.
"Ooga Booga, motherfucker!" Jim yelled. The scooterist tripped over his own feet trying to get away, and bashed his head on the bumper of a pickup truck, knocking himself unconscious.
After a couple minutes, Hep's crew had laid out the entire gang.
"You guys just don't learn!" Hep said, then walked over to his bike. The rest followed him, and they roared out of the parking lot, headed north again. They eventually stopped in Savage for the night.
They found a crummy motel on the edge of town that had a parking lot that wrapped around the back, where they could park without their bikes being visible from the road.
"So much for staying low key, huh?" Hep said to Charlie.
"Yeah, I guess," Charlie answered. "Where the hell did those guys come from? I didn't even hear them pull in."
"I don't know," Hep said. "Good trick, though. Remind me to find one of them and ask how they did it some day."
"Sure thing," Charlie said, and grinned.
***
While Hep and the rest were riding to Minnesota, battling scooterists and talking to dumb statues, Ian had been busy finding a bank to rent a safe deposit box in. After he'd located one, he spent the rest of his time bumming around the Twin Cities, waiting to hear from Hep or one of the others.
That night, he got a call from Hep.
"Hey, Ian," Hep said. "Did you get that thing done for me?"
"Sure did," Ian said. "What's next?"
"I need you to go to the airport and pick someone up," Hep said. "Once you're done with that, come and meet us in Brainerd. Bring that thing I gave you."
"Ok. Who am I picking up?" Ian asked.
"You'll know when you see him," Hep said. "Have a good night."
"You too." Ian said. He hung up the phone and went to the Minneapolis airport. He parked his bike and found a comfy looking chair in the arrivals area to wait for who ever he was supposed to pick up.
Chapter 29
When Frank got back to New Orleans, he didn't go and show off the beautiful Corvette to his buddies, as he'd planned. He had gotten rid of his fedora and trench coat, as well as the cigarettes.
He did keep himself well supplied with coffee, however.
After making a pit stop on the edge of town, his first order of business was to go and see Aphrodite.
"Hi there, sweetheart," Aphrodite said as he walked into her shop. "Why don't you come into the back with me?"
Frank nodded, and walked in to the store room with Aphrodite. It was a tiny room, there was barely space for the two of them and the small desk in there. The room smelled of strange spices and herbs, and there were a lot of dark jars with odd labels lining the shelves. There was also a stray dildo here and there, but Aphrodite kept most of that stock out on display in the shop.
"Now then, it sounds like you've had yourself a pretty spectacular adventure," Aphrodite said.
"Yes, I suppose you could call it that," Frank replied. He didn't really know what to make of his trip, except that it had gone from being the best job he'd ever had to some kind of bizarre, scary ordeal in the blink of an eye. He no longer wanted to be like the detectives on TV, that was for sure.
"Well, I'm sure you've got a lot of plans from here, so I don't want to keep you. Here's your paycheck," Aphrodite said, and handed him a brief case full of cash. At the beginning of the trip, Frank would have thought getting a briefcase full of cash money would be wonderful, but instead it just made him nervous and somewhat irritable.
"Thanks," he said.
"Now, there is one other small matter. The key, please," Aphrodite said, and held out here hand.
Frank was dismayed, and thought about saying something. In the end, he just dug the wonderful key out and handed it to her. No more easy, fast cars for him.
"Thanks, dear. Now you take care," she said, and shooed him out of the back room.
Once he'd gone, she got out a marker and a sheet of paper and made a sign reading "Closed Due to Family Emergency. Be Back Soon!" She hung the sign on the glass of the front door, and locked up the shop. Then she hopped into the Corvette that Frank had so considerately left on the curb and started driving North.
***
Hep, Tommy, Charlie, Jim, Minerva, Athena, Dave and Too Tall rode from Denver to Omaha, Nebraska. Their mood was somber, but also somewhat relieved because an end to this particular adventure was in sight.
As they passed through Ogallala, Nebraska, Jim saw a water tower painted to look like a UFO, complete with a little green man looking out a window at them. He nudged Hep, and pointed to it. Hep smiled a little, and kept riding.
He had no doubt that Scroat was pissed that he'd died like a chump, shot in the back as they walked away from their victory. He imagined that where ever he was, he was probably cursing up a storm. Two storms, if he got on a roll. Scroat was never one for inside thoughts. Hep couldn't help but smile again.
They passed through Hastings, the birthplace of Kool-Aid, but none of them really felt compelled to stop. Maybe if it was the birthplace of beer they would have.
Soon enough, they arrived in Omaha, and found a Super 8 motel to spend the night at. Dave, Tommy and Too Tall went to buy some food and beer, so they wouldn't have to leave the motel that night. None of them really felt up to finding a bar.
Hep, Charlie and Jim went to their room and dropped their stuff in there. Hep went to take a shower, and Charlie slumped into one of the chairs. Jim drifted over by him.
"How come I didn't see Scroat after he got shot?" Jim asked.
"What do you mean?" Charlie replied.
"Well, how come I didn't see his ghost? I was expecting to see him, probably swearing up a storm," Jim said.
"He's a god, Jim. Gods don't have souls to hang around after they die because, physical form or not, gods are spirits, concepts or ideals. So after we burned him, he just went back to where ever the hell he was from." Charlie said. "I'm sure no one was happy to see him when he got there, either."
"So he went to heaven?" Jim asked.
"I told you, he went back to where ever the hell he was from," Charlie said, mildly irritated. "Don't ask questions your feeble little mind can't handle the answers to."
Jim drifted off to another part of the room and sulked.
"Fuck, I'm sorry Jim," Charlie said. "I'm just upset."
"It's ok." Jim said.
Hep came out of the shower. "Are those guys back yet? I'm famished."
"We haven't heard them, but it's only been ten minutes, calm down." Charlie said.
Not too much later, Tommy, Dave and Too Tall knocked on Hep's door. He let them in, and they brought a couple of bags of groceries and a case of beer into the room and set them down on the table.
"You got a fridge in here?" Too Tall asked Hep.
"Nope, so I guess we'll be drinking warm beer tonight," Hep said.
"That's ok, this is good beer for drinking warm," Too Tall said, and held up a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
"Maybe if we drink it fast," Hep said. "Hey Jim, go get Athena and Minerva."
Jim drifted into the ladies' room, and began saying "Hey, come over to Hep's room for food and..." when he noticed that they were both in the middle of dressing. He was stunned (and impressed) and stopped talking and just stared.
"Get the fuck out of here!" Athena yelled at him. "Just because you're a ghost doesn't mean you don't need to knock any more."
"Oh! Right! Uh, Sorry!" Jim said, and went back to Hep's room. That was embarrassing.
Soon after, Minerva and Athena walked into Hep's room. Athena gave Jim a nasty glare, but didn't say anything.
Hep gave everyone a beer, then held up his own. "A toast to the fallen," he said, then emptied his beer on the floor.
"Shit, that's going to piss off the cleaning lady," Jim mumbled.
"Shut up, Jim, this is important," Tommy said. "Have some class."
Hep remained silent for a moment, then got another beer and drank it himself.
"So, I guess our next stop will be Mankato, Minnesota. Then up to Brainerd." Hep said.
"Then what?" Dave asked.
"Then we'll see what happens from there." Hep said. "Let's have something to eat, I'm starving."
They broke into the cold cuts, cold salads, chips and pretzels that Tommy, Dave and Too Tall had brought, and drank a lot of beer. After they were stuffed, and drunk to boot, Tommy, Dave, Too Tall, Minerva and Athena went back to their rooms.
Charlie and Hep relocated the empty beer bottles to the table, and carefully stepped over the puddle of beer on the floor every time they walked by. Jim was puzzled that they'd just left the beer there, but decided not to say anything about it. After all, it wasn't like he could get into any kind of trouble for the mess they made.
Once the room was reasonably tidy (eg. There was a safe path they could walk along from beds to bathroom), Charlie turned in for the night. Hep sat up for a while, thinking about the events of the last couple days.
The phone rang.
Hep went over and picked it up.
"Hep, is that you?" Elvis drawled.
"The very same," Hep answered.
"Damn, man, how are you doing?" Elvis asked.
"Not too good, not too good at all" Hep said.
"I bet. I was sorry to hear about Scroat. I didn't like him much, but I know he meant well."
"Thanks Elvis," Hep said.
"So you know this thing isn't over yet, right?" Elvis asked.
"Of course. It's not over until Tommy's invited us to dinner." Hep said.
"Yeah, but you know that Seth's guys are still looking for you?" Elvis asked.
"I figured. None of them seemed too bright," Hep said. "And a few of them might be mad we tore up their buddies. Do they know where we are?"
"Not as far as I know, but they do know you're heading for Minnesota. You're going to want to stay low key when you get there. You might even be able to slip up to Brainerd unnoticed if you're careful." Elvis said. "I'd say stick to riding through the cow towns as much as you can."
"Sure thing. The drivers in the Twin Cities are too slow for me to bear anyway." Elvis said.
"Well, be careful out there," Elvis said.
"You bet. See ya, Elvis." Hep said, and hung up the phone. He was mildly annoyed that Seth's goons knew where they were headed, though since that's where Tommy lived it was only logical. He hoped they'd be able to sneak up to Brainerd without having to deal with any more red shirts or angry statues.
It would be easy enough to stay out of sight though. For all the urban sophistication of Minneapolis and St. Paul, Minnesota was still a farm state. They could breeze through cornfields and forests all the way up to Brainerd, if they had to.
Hep went to bed, and eventually fell asleep. He dreamt of home, and his forge. He couldn't wait to get back and be done with this whole sorry trip.
Jim was restless, and explored the motel. He was careful to avoid Minerva and Athena's room, though he peeked into several of the other rooms. Unfortunately, there wasn't anything interesting going on that night, just a lot of sleeping travelers. Eventually he went back to Hep and Charlie's room, and spent the rest of the night staring out the window.
He did keep himself well supplied with coffee, however.
After making a pit stop on the edge of town, his first order of business was to go and see Aphrodite.
"Hi there, sweetheart," Aphrodite said as he walked into her shop. "Why don't you come into the back with me?"
Frank nodded, and walked in to the store room with Aphrodite. It was a tiny room, there was barely space for the two of them and the small desk in there. The room smelled of strange spices and herbs, and there were a lot of dark jars with odd labels lining the shelves. There was also a stray dildo here and there, but Aphrodite kept most of that stock out on display in the shop.
"Now then, it sounds like you've had yourself a pretty spectacular adventure," Aphrodite said.
"Yes, I suppose you could call it that," Frank replied. He didn't really know what to make of his trip, except that it had gone from being the best job he'd ever had to some kind of bizarre, scary ordeal in the blink of an eye. He no longer wanted to be like the detectives on TV, that was for sure.
"Well, I'm sure you've got a lot of plans from here, so I don't want to keep you. Here's your paycheck," Aphrodite said, and handed him a brief case full of cash. At the beginning of the trip, Frank would have thought getting a briefcase full of cash money would be wonderful, but instead it just made him nervous and somewhat irritable.
"Thanks," he said.
"Now, there is one other small matter. The key, please," Aphrodite said, and held out here hand.
Frank was dismayed, and thought about saying something. In the end, he just dug the wonderful key out and handed it to her. No more easy, fast cars for him.
"Thanks, dear. Now you take care," she said, and shooed him out of the back room.
Once he'd gone, she got out a marker and a sheet of paper and made a sign reading "Closed Due to Family Emergency. Be Back Soon!" She hung the sign on the glass of the front door, and locked up the shop. Then she hopped into the Corvette that Frank had so considerately left on the curb and started driving North.
***
Hep, Tommy, Charlie, Jim, Minerva, Athena, Dave and Too Tall rode from Denver to Omaha, Nebraska. Their mood was somber, but also somewhat relieved because an end to this particular adventure was in sight.
As they passed through Ogallala, Nebraska, Jim saw a water tower painted to look like a UFO, complete with a little green man looking out a window at them. He nudged Hep, and pointed to it. Hep smiled a little, and kept riding.
He had no doubt that Scroat was pissed that he'd died like a chump, shot in the back as they walked away from their victory. He imagined that where ever he was, he was probably cursing up a storm. Two storms, if he got on a roll. Scroat was never one for inside thoughts. Hep couldn't help but smile again.
They passed through Hastings, the birthplace of Kool-Aid, but none of them really felt compelled to stop. Maybe if it was the birthplace of beer they would have.
Soon enough, they arrived in Omaha, and found a Super 8 motel to spend the night at. Dave, Tommy and Too Tall went to buy some food and beer, so they wouldn't have to leave the motel that night. None of them really felt up to finding a bar.
Hep, Charlie and Jim went to their room and dropped their stuff in there. Hep went to take a shower, and Charlie slumped into one of the chairs. Jim drifted over by him.
"How come I didn't see Scroat after he got shot?" Jim asked.
"What do you mean?" Charlie replied.
"Well, how come I didn't see his ghost? I was expecting to see him, probably swearing up a storm," Jim said.
"He's a god, Jim. Gods don't have souls to hang around after they die because, physical form or not, gods are spirits, concepts or ideals. So after we burned him, he just went back to where ever the hell he was from." Charlie said. "I'm sure no one was happy to see him when he got there, either."
"So he went to heaven?" Jim asked.
"I told you, he went back to where ever the hell he was from," Charlie said, mildly irritated. "Don't ask questions your feeble little mind can't handle the answers to."
Jim drifted off to another part of the room and sulked.
"Fuck, I'm sorry Jim," Charlie said. "I'm just upset."
"It's ok." Jim said.
Hep came out of the shower. "Are those guys back yet? I'm famished."
"We haven't heard them, but it's only been ten minutes, calm down." Charlie said.
Not too much later, Tommy, Dave and Too Tall knocked on Hep's door. He let them in, and they brought a couple of bags of groceries and a case of beer into the room and set them down on the table.
"You got a fridge in here?" Too Tall asked Hep.
"Nope, so I guess we'll be drinking warm beer tonight," Hep said.
"That's ok, this is good beer for drinking warm," Too Tall said, and held up a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
"Maybe if we drink it fast," Hep said. "Hey Jim, go get Athena and Minerva."
Jim drifted into the ladies' room, and began saying "Hey, come over to Hep's room for food and..." when he noticed that they were both in the middle of dressing. He was stunned (and impressed) and stopped talking and just stared.
"Get the fuck out of here!" Athena yelled at him. "Just because you're a ghost doesn't mean you don't need to knock any more."
"Oh! Right! Uh, Sorry!" Jim said, and went back to Hep's room. That was embarrassing.
Soon after, Minerva and Athena walked into Hep's room. Athena gave Jim a nasty glare, but didn't say anything.
Hep gave everyone a beer, then held up his own. "A toast to the fallen," he said, then emptied his beer on the floor.
"Shit, that's going to piss off the cleaning lady," Jim mumbled.
"Shut up, Jim, this is important," Tommy said. "Have some class."
Hep remained silent for a moment, then got another beer and drank it himself.
"So, I guess our next stop will be Mankato, Minnesota. Then up to Brainerd." Hep said.
"Then what?" Dave asked.
"Then we'll see what happens from there." Hep said. "Let's have something to eat, I'm starving."
They broke into the cold cuts, cold salads, chips and pretzels that Tommy, Dave and Too Tall had brought, and drank a lot of beer. After they were stuffed, and drunk to boot, Tommy, Dave, Too Tall, Minerva and Athena went back to their rooms.
Charlie and Hep relocated the empty beer bottles to the table, and carefully stepped over the puddle of beer on the floor every time they walked by. Jim was puzzled that they'd just left the beer there, but decided not to say anything about it. After all, it wasn't like he could get into any kind of trouble for the mess they made.
Once the room was reasonably tidy (eg. There was a safe path they could walk along from beds to bathroom), Charlie turned in for the night. Hep sat up for a while, thinking about the events of the last couple days.
The phone rang.
Hep went over and picked it up.
"Hep, is that you?" Elvis drawled.
"The very same," Hep answered.
"Damn, man, how are you doing?" Elvis asked.
"Not too good, not too good at all" Hep said.
"I bet. I was sorry to hear about Scroat. I didn't like him much, but I know he meant well."
"Thanks Elvis," Hep said.
"So you know this thing isn't over yet, right?" Elvis asked.
"Of course. It's not over until Tommy's invited us to dinner." Hep said.
"Yeah, but you know that Seth's guys are still looking for you?" Elvis asked.
"I figured. None of them seemed too bright," Hep said. "And a few of them might be mad we tore up their buddies. Do they know where we are?"
"Not as far as I know, but they do know you're heading for Minnesota. You're going to want to stay low key when you get there. You might even be able to slip up to Brainerd unnoticed if you're careful." Elvis said. "I'd say stick to riding through the cow towns as much as you can."
"Sure thing. The drivers in the Twin Cities are too slow for me to bear anyway." Elvis said.
"Well, be careful out there," Elvis said.
"You bet. See ya, Elvis." Hep said, and hung up the phone. He was mildly annoyed that Seth's goons knew where they were headed, though since that's where Tommy lived it was only logical. He hoped they'd be able to sneak up to Brainerd without having to deal with any more red shirts or angry statues.
It would be easy enough to stay out of sight though. For all the urban sophistication of Minneapolis and St. Paul, Minnesota was still a farm state. They could breeze through cornfields and forests all the way up to Brainerd, if they had to.
Hep went to bed, and eventually fell asleep. He dreamt of home, and his forge. He couldn't wait to get back and be done with this whole sorry trip.
Jim was restless, and explored the motel. He was careful to avoid Minerva and Athena's room, though he peeked into several of the other rooms. Unfortunately, there wasn't anything interesting going on that night, just a lot of sleeping travelers. Eventually he went back to Hep and Charlie's room, and spent the rest of the night staring out the window.
Chapter 28
Seth was feeling jubilant. In a matter of hours, the two dolts would deliver Tommy's tobacco pouch right to him, and within hours the chaos would begin to take hold. Soon, the worlds of men and gods would tumble, and he'd be able to step in and rule.
He got himself so excited about the possibilities that he had to go and pee.
He was a little anxious though. If things, somehow, went wrong it would be frustrating. Someone might see fit to send him back to the upper realms of Ra. Frankly, he was sick of being the voice of thunder. It would be best to leave that to the stupid blacksmiths, he felt. And he hadn't clawed and fought his way back to this world just to foul it up at the last minute.
He decided to go and see how his prisoner was feeling.
"Hello, Tommy," he said as he walked into the room he was keeping Tommy in. "How's your head?"
"How do you think it is, dink?" Tommy said.
"Oh Tommy, don't you know it hurt me more than it hurt you? To have a guest in my home trying to bring those fools here, it just breaks my heart," Seth said, then giggled. "Who am I kidding? It hurt you way more than it hurt me. In fact, I found it most entertaining. Perhaps you'll be so good as to give me an encore performance later today?"
"Fuck you, Seth," Tommy said.
"No, no, Tommy. You're the one who's fucked. You, and your friends, and your friends friends... oh, I have to pee again." Seth said, and left the room.
Tommy struggled half-heartedly to get free from his binds, but knew it was no good. He hoped Hep and the rest would find their way to him soon.
"What the fuck was that about?" Scroat asked Hep.
"Just a contingency plan," Hep said. "So, are we ready to roll?"
The UTMC crew, Charlie, Minerva and Athena finished their coffees and conversations, and made their way out to the bikes. Today they would ride together, looking for a particular van.
As Hep started his bike, Dave walked over to him carrying a large book. The pages were all yellow, and Dave had a spot marked with his finger.
"So, you know, there's only a few scooter repair shops in Denver," Dave said and showed him the book. It was a copy of the yellow pages. The ad he was pointing to was for "Lammy Lenny's Scooter Repair." The tagline read "Look for our van!" and there was a picture of a seafoam green van.
Hep looked at Dave. "You're brilliant. And they're shockingly stupid."
"So it would seem," Dave said. "Shall we roll by their shop and see if anyone's home?"
"Oh yes, I think we shall," Hep said. Dave went back over to his bike and started it up. A couple of minutes later they were on their way through Denver to have a nice little chat with Lammy Lenny.
It didn't take long for them to find the shop, but the van wasn't outside, and it looked like the place was closed. They decided to park and wait for a little while.
About an hour later, a seafoam green Ford Econoline drove around the corner. As it got closer to where Hep and the rest were parked, the driver slowed down and looked at them. Suddenly he sat up straight, and stomped on the accelerator.
"Fuck, he's gonna run!" Scroat yelled. They rushed to get their bikes started again. Charlie was the first to get started and rolling, and was behind the van before he even made it to the end of the block. The rest followed soon after.
The driver of the van sped off, running red lights and making wild turns, trying to shake Charlie. Of course, a van doesn't handle nearly as well as a Ducati, and Charlie had no problem keeping up. To be honest, he was having the most fun he'd had on the whole trip.
Hep and the rest weren't too far behind, and were gaining on them quickly.
The van tried to make a hard right, but over-shot it and ran into a streetlamp on the far side of the road. The van came to a grinding halt. The driver, who was wearing a red shirt, threw open the door and tried to run, but Charlie was already there, and caught him before he was even out of the van.
"What's the rush, little man?" Charlie asked him. The driver struggled to get away, but Charlie overpowered him easily. Hep and the rest caught up and surrounded the van. Hep got off his bike and went up to the driver.
"Where's Tommy?" Hep asked.
"Fuck you!" the driver said.
"Oh, that's not the right answer. Scroat, maybe you could help him out here." Hep said.
Scroat punched the red shirt in the gut. "Where the fuck is Tommy?" he asked.
"Get bent."
Hep rolled his eyes. "Jim, maybe you can convince him to help us out."
The van driver looked around, trying to see who Jim was. Suddenly he felt very cold, and then Jim appeared in front of him. The driver stared, speechless.
"Hey buddy, ever been possessed by the ghost of a lumberjack and dragged screaming out of the roughest strip club in town after getting on stage with the girls and taking off your own clothes?" Jim asked, then smiled.
"Jesus, he's at Seth's house," the driver said.
"We're not looking for Jesus, we're looking for Tommy," Scroat said.
"He's at Seth's house, fuck, we took him there a couple days ago," the driver said.
Charlie shook the driver once, hard. "Where's Seth's house?" The driver looked at Charlie, then looked at Jim, and told Hep exactly how to get to Seth's house.
"Thanks. Was that so hard?" Hep asked. "Run on home now."
Charlie let go of him, and the driver took off running down the street.
Hep looked at Dave. "Well, let's go," he said.
He didn't really understand why Hep would want to send something all the way to Minnesota just to put it in a safe-deposit box when there were so many banks in Denver that were much more convenient. He did know, however, that Hep wouldn't have asked him to do it if it wasn't important.
So, he rode on along the major freeways, stopping only for gas, coffee and food.
Hep and the rest arrived at Seth's house within twenty minutes of catching the van's driver. They roared up the long driveway to a huge house, a mansion really. They got to the end of the driveway, and as they stopped, Seth came out the front door to greet them.
"Welcome!" Seth cried. "I was worried you weren't going to make it, but here you are, my old friends!"
"Where the fuck is Tommy, you sphincter-clinging piece of shit?" Scroat yelled.
"He's inside, of course, safe and happy. Well," Seth corrected himself, "safe anyway. Who are your friends, Hep?"
"You know exactly who they are, Seth," Hep said.
"Well, perhaps you'd like to meet my friends, then. Gentlemen, come out and introduce yourselves," Seth said. Suddenly there were red shirts coming out of every door, every nook and every cranny around Seth's house. They were armed with assault rifles and other implements of destruction.
There were easily eighty red-shirted goons pointing guns at them.
"Wow, Seth, is all this for us? You shouldn't have," Hep said.
"Oh, I couldn't resist, Hep. Now, I think you have something that I very much want. Please hand it over, and none of your friends will get hurt." Seth said.
"Our friends aren't going to get hurt, but I think your fuck buddies are going to be in for ten thousand years of pain, jerk off," Scroat said.
"I hoped you'd say that," Seth said. "Gentlemen?"
The red shirts opened fire.
"Holy shit!" Scroat yelled and dove for cover along with the rest of the UTMC. Hep and Charlie ducked behind their bikes, popping up to return fire, then ducking again. Minerva ran to the back of the group, while Athena walked calmly towards Seth.
The UTMCers were slowly gaining an advantage, as the red shirts were terrible shots. The UTMC crew, being honest, tax-paying, gun-loving American sons of bitches, were not bad shots. Soon there were a lot red shirted goons on the ground, some dead, others clutching at flesh wounds. The UTMCers began pushing their way forward.
Athena calmly approached Seth, who was waiting just outside the door of his house, watching. Although bullets occasionally grazed her leathers, or pushed through her hair, none hit her. Soon she was on the porch directly in front of Seth.
"Stop right there," he said, and pointed a gun at her. She smiled at him.
"Ok," then she handed him something surprisingly heavy. Seth looked down and saw that it was one of Charlie's home made bombs. He looked up and saw Athena running away.
"Shit," Seth said, and then the bomb went off. Seth was vaporized, and the goons nearby were knocked off their feet by the explosion. The red shirts still standing all stopped what they were doing to look at what happened. Then they scattered. Soon Hep and the rest heard two-stroke motors coming to life, and soon there were twenty or so scooters zipping past them on their way out to the road.
Amazingly enough, none of the UTMCers were seriously injured, though a couple of them had been grazed by bullets. It's good to have a couple of war gods on your side in a firefight.
Hep, Scroat and Charlie rushed into the house. The three of them over-powered the muscle-bound goon guarding the room, and cut the ropes restraining Tommy. They walked out of the house together. Minerva, Athena, Jim and the UTMC crew all cheered as they saw Tommy. Tommy smiled and waved.
"Thanks, pal," Tommy said to Hep.
"Of course. But don't do it again," Hep said, and slapped Tommy on the back. They began walking towards their bikes.
Then they heard a shot fired behind them. Scroat stopped walking and looked down at his chest. Blood poured from a hole that hadn't been there before.
"Oh, fuck!" Scroat exclaimed, and fell down, dead.
Dave shot the red shirt who was clutching a still-smoking gun pointed at Scroat. The red shirt fell back to the ground.
Hep and the rest gathered around Scroat. Jim started looking around, as though he expected to see someone.
"Where the hell is he?" Jim asked Hep.
"Back home," Hep said. He stooped down, and rolled Scroat over onto his back, and arranged his legs and arms so he lay naturally. Finally, he closed Scroat's eyes.
Charlie tucked a bottle of rum under Scroat's arm, then they covered him with leaves and branches. Charlie lit a match, and said "Go well, friend," then threw the match onto the pyre. It roared to life immediately, and soon there was nothing left but smoldering embers where their friend had laid before.
"See you round, Scroat," Hep said.
They left Seth's yard, and started heading for Minnesota. Most of the UTMC crew stayed in Denver, but Dave and Too Tall accompanied Hep, Charlie, Jim, Minerva and Athena.
There was still a matter to attend to.
He got himself so excited about the possibilities that he had to go and pee.
He was a little anxious though. If things, somehow, went wrong it would be frustrating. Someone might see fit to send him back to the upper realms of Ra. Frankly, he was sick of being the voice of thunder. It would be best to leave that to the stupid blacksmiths, he felt. And he hadn't clawed and fought his way back to this world just to foul it up at the last minute.
He decided to go and see how his prisoner was feeling.
"Hello, Tommy," he said as he walked into the room he was keeping Tommy in. "How's your head?"
"How do you think it is, dink?" Tommy said.
"Oh Tommy, don't you know it hurt me more than it hurt you? To have a guest in my home trying to bring those fools here, it just breaks my heart," Seth said, then giggled. "Who am I kidding? It hurt you way more than it hurt me. In fact, I found it most entertaining. Perhaps you'll be so good as to give me an encore performance later today?"
"Fuck you, Seth," Tommy said.
"No, no, Tommy. You're the one who's fucked. You, and your friends, and your friends friends... oh, I have to pee again." Seth said, and left the room.
Tommy struggled half-heartedly to get free from his binds, but knew it was no good. He hoped Hep and the rest would find their way to him soon.
***
Once all the UTMCers had arrived at Dave's house, Hep took one of them aside and spoke quietly with him. Scroat saw Hep hand something to him, and then he walked over to where Scroat was waiting. The UTMCer left the house, and Scroat heard him as he started his bike and rode off."What the fuck was that about?" Scroat asked Hep.
"Just a contingency plan," Hep said. "So, are we ready to roll?"
The UTMC crew, Charlie, Minerva and Athena finished their coffees and conversations, and made their way out to the bikes. Today they would ride together, looking for a particular van.
As Hep started his bike, Dave walked over to him carrying a large book. The pages were all yellow, and Dave had a spot marked with his finger.
"So, you know, there's only a few scooter repair shops in Denver," Dave said and showed him the book. It was a copy of the yellow pages. The ad he was pointing to was for "Lammy Lenny's Scooter Repair." The tagline read "Look for our van!" and there was a picture of a seafoam green van.
Hep looked at Dave. "You're brilliant. And they're shockingly stupid."
"So it would seem," Dave said. "Shall we roll by their shop and see if anyone's home?"
"Oh yes, I think we shall," Hep said. Dave went back over to his bike and started it up. A couple of minutes later they were on their way through Denver to have a nice little chat with Lammy Lenny.
It didn't take long for them to find the shop, but the van wasn't outside, and it looked like the place was closed. They decided to park and wait for a little while.
About an hour later, a seafoam green Ford Econoline drove around the corner. As it got closer to where Hep and the rest were parked, the driver slowed down and looked at them. Suddenly he sat up straight, and stomped on the accelerator.
"Fuck, he's gonna run!" Scroat yelled. They rushed to get their bikes started again. Charlie was the first to get started and rolling, and was behind the van before he even made it to the end of the block. The rest followed soon after.
The driver of the van sped off, running red lights and making wild turns, trying to shake Charlie. Of course, a van doesn't handle nearly as well as a Ducati, and Charlie had no problem keeping up. To be honest, he was having the most fun he'd had on the whole trip.
Hep and the rest weren't too far behind, and were gaining on them quickly.
The van tried to make a hard right, but over-shot it and ran into a streetlamp on the far side of the road. The van came to a grinding halt. The driver, who was wearing a red shirt, threw open the door and tried to run, but Charlie was already there, and caught him before he was even out of the van.
"What's the rush, little man?" Charlie asked him. The driver struggled to get away, but Charlie overpowered him easily. Hep and the rest caught up and surrounded the van. Hep got off his bike and went up to the driver.
"Where's Tommy?" Hep asked.
"Fuck you!" the driver said.
"Oh, that's not the right answer. Scroat, maybe you could help him out here." Hep said.
Scroat punched the red shirt in the gut. "Where the fuck is Tommy?" he asked.
"Get bent."
Hep rolled his eyes. "Jim, maybe you can convince him to help us out."
The van driver looked around, trying to see who Jim was. Suddenly he felt very cold, and then Jim appeared in front of him. The driver stared, speechless.
"Hey buddy, ever been possessed by the ghost of a lumberjack and dragged screaming out of the roughest strip club in town after getting on stage with the girls and taking off your own clothes?" Jim asked, then smiled.
"Jesus, he's at Seth's house," the driver said.
"We're not looking for Jesus, we're looking for Tommy," Scroat said.
"He's at Seth's house, fuck, we took him there a couple days ago," the driver said.
Charlie shook the driver once, hard. "Where's Seth's house?" The driver looked at Charlie, then looked at Jim, and told Hep exactly how to get to Seth's house.
"Thanks. Was that so hard?" Hep asked. "Run on home now."
Charlie let go of him, and the driver took off running down the street.
Hep looked at Dave. "Well, let's go," he said.
***
Ian was busy riding north and east, towards Minnesota. Hep had given him a package and told him it was vitally important that he get it to Minnesota. Once there, he was to use the money Hep had given him to rent a safe-deposit box, and put the package in it. Then he was to wait in Minnesota for Hep to arrive.He didn't really understand why Hep would want to send something all the way to Minnesota just to put it in a safe-deposit box when there were so many banks in Denver that were much more convenient. He did know, however, that Hep wouldn't have asked him to do it if it wasn't important.
So, he rode on along the major freeways, stopping only for gas, coffee and food.
***
Hep and the rest arrived at Seth's house within twenty minutes of catching the van's driver. They roared up the long driveway to a huge house, a mansion really. They got to the end of the driveway, and as they stopped, Seth came out the front door to greet them.
"Welcome!" Seth cried. "I was worried you weren't going to make it, but here you are, my old friends!"
"Where the fuck is Tommy, you sphincter-clinging piece of shit?" Scroat yelled.
"He's inside, of course, safe and happy. Well," Seth corrected himself, "safe anyway. Who are your friends, Hep?"
"You know exactly who they are, Seth," Hep said.
"Well, perhaps you'd like to meet my friends, then. Gentlemen, come out and introduce yourselves," Seth said. Suddenly there were red shirts coming out of every door, every nook and every cranny around Seth's house. They were armed with assault rifles and other implements of destruction.
There were easily eighty red-shirted goons pointing guns at them.
"Wow, Seth, is all this for us? You shouldn't have," Hep said.
"Oh, I couldn't resist, Hep. Now, I think you have something that I very much want. Please hand it over, and none of your friends will get hurt." Seth said.
"Our friends aren't going to get hurt, but I think your fuck buddies are going to be in for ten thousand years of pain, jerk off," Scroat said.
"I hoped you'd say that," Seth said. "Gentlemen?"
The red shirts opened fire.
"Holy shit!" Scroat yelled and dove for cover along with the rest of the UTMC. Hep and Charlie ducked behind their bikes, popping up to return fire, then ducking again. Minerva ran to the back of the group, while Athena walked calmly towards Seth.
The UTMCers were slowly gaining an advantage, as the red shirts were terrible shots. The UTMC crew, being honest, tax-paying, gun-loving American sons of bitches, were not bad shots. Soon there were a lot red shirted goons on the ground, some dead, others clutching at flesh wounds. The UTMCers began pushing their way forward.
Athena calmly approached Seth, who was waiting just outside the door of his house, watching. Although bullets occasionally grazed her leathers, or pushed through her hair, none hit her. Soon she was on the porch directly in front of Seth.
"Stop right there," he said, and pointed a gun at her. She smiled at him.
"Ok," then she handed him something surprisingly heavy. Seth looked down and saw that it was one of Charlie's home made bombs. He looked up and saw Athena running away.
"Shit," Seth said, and then the bomb went off. Seth was vaporized, and the goons nearby were knocked off their feet by the explosion. The red shirts still standing all stopped what they were doing to look at what happened. Then they scattered. Soon Hep and the rest heard two-stroke motors coming to life, and soon there were twenty or so scooters zipping past them on their way out to the road.
Amazingly enough, none of the UTMCers were seriously injured, though a couple of them had been grazed by bullets. It's good to have a couple of war gods on your side in a firefight.
Hep, Scroat and Charlie rushed into the house. The three of them over-powered the muscle-bound goon guarding the room, and cut the ropes restraining Tommy. They walked out of the house together. Minerva, Athena, Jim and the UTMC crew all cheered as they saw Tommy. Tommy smiled and waved.
"Thanks, pal," Tommy said to Hep.
"Of course. But don't do it again," Hep said, and slapped Tommy on the back. They began walking towards their bikes.
Then they heard a shot fired behind them. Scroat stopped walking and looked down at his chest. Blood poured from a hole that hadn't been there before.
"Oh, fuck!" Scroat exclaimed, and fell down, dead.
Dave shot the red shirt who was clutching a still-smoking gun pointed at Scroat. The red shirt fell back to the ground.
Hep and the rest gathered around Scroat. Jim started looking around, as though he expected to see someone.
"Where the hell is he?" Jim asked Hep.
"Back home," Hep said. He stooped down, and rolled Scroat over onto his back, and arranged his legs and arms so he lay naturally. Finally, he closed Scroat's eyes.
Charlie tucked a bottle of rum under Scroat's arm, then they covered him with leaves and branches. Charlie lit a match, and said "Go well, friend," then threw the match onto the pyre. It roared to life immediately, and soon there was nothing left but smoldering embers where their friend had laid before.
"See you round, Scroat," Hep said.
They left Seth's yard, and started heading for Minnesota. Most of the UTMC crew stayed in Denver, but Dave and Too Tall accompanied Hep, Charlie, Jim, Minerva and Athena.
There was still a matter to attend to.
Chapter 27
Hep was up at dawn. That meant everyone else in the house was up approximately five minutes later when he woke Scroat up.
The rest of the UTMC crew started gathering at Dave’s house at about seven in the morning. By eight, all of them were there. Once everyone was suitably caffeinated, they split into two groups and went out looking for trouble.
Of course, they weren’t exactly sure what trouble looked like, except that it might be wearing a red shirt and riding a scooter.
They agreed to meet every couple of hours at a particular coffee shop, and then rolled off in different directions. Hep, Scroat, Jim and Dave went with one group, while Charlie, Minerva and Athena rode with the others.
“So have you got any idea where the fuck Tommy is?” Scroat asked Hep while they were at a stoplight.
“Nope, and neither does he,” Hep replied. “I talked to him in a dream last night, but Seth interrupted us. All I know is that Seth has got him locked up in a fancy house somewhere.”
“Well, fuck,” Tommy said.
“Yep,” Hep said.
They rode on, looking for anything that might tip them off to where Seth was keeping Scroat.
On the other side of town, a seafoam green van that said “Lammy Lenny’s Scooter Repair” roared passed Charlie and his group at an intersection. They didn’t think much of it, except that drivers in Denver were assholes.
***
Aphrodite was freaking out. Frank had called her babbling about guns, homemade bombs and a house full of bikers ready to go out and use them. Apparently Tommy had been kidnapped, and Hep and his friends were going to try and rescue him.
She paced around her shop, trying to think of what she could do. Frank was useless; she’d hired him to keep an eye on Hep, not to get involved in a war between gods. Also, Frank had no idea who Hep or any of the ideas were. As far as he knew, they were just an eccentric group of bikers. She was annoyed and glad at the same time that Hep had caught wise to Frank, because it meant Frank wouldn’t be blindly walking into a war zone.
On the other hand, it meant she couldn’t be sure what was happening now. She was very frustrated, as she couldn’t think of a single thing she could do to help.
***
The two groups of bikers convened at the agreed upon coffee shop at noon. Neither of them had anything useful to report. They did, however, realize that they didn’t have a good way to communicate with each other if they did discover something. Too Tall suggested that one or two of them stay behind at the coffee shop to receive phone calls and pass messages on between the groups.
They drew straws and Brian and J.J. were the lucky two who got to stay at the coffee shop. Everyone chipped in a couple of bucks to keep them in coffee and baked goods until they all met up again.
The riders went back out to keep looking for Tommy, or at least information about where he might be. Brian and J.J. watched them go.
“So, uh, want to play gin?” J.J. asked Brian.
“Not really,” Brian said, and lit a cigarette. “Maybe later.”
They went inside and got a couple cups of coffee, and found a table to wait at. The coffee shop was pretty much empty except for them and the kid working behind the counter. Brian dug a book out of his backpack and started reading. J.J. sat quietly for a few minutes, and then found a deck of cards and started playing solitaire.
***
Tommy was awake, and wondering if the burly scooter kid guarding him was ever going to need to sleep, or use the bathroom, or something that would get rid of him for a few minutes. He wanted to try contacting Hep or someone again, but he couldn’t very well do it with the human brick wall by the door punching him in the gut every time he tried.
The red shirt guarding him, however, hardly did anything more than blink and occasionally shift his weight from one foot to the other.
Tommy watched him out of the corner of his eye, waiting for a chance to try again. Some time later the kid started beeping. Tommy quickly realized it was a cell phone.
The guard pulled out the phone and answered it. “Yes?” he asked. “Ok,” he said. He turned around and left the room.
“Hooray!” Tommy thought, then focussed his energy on mentally locating Elvis. Soon enough he had a thought that wasn’t his.
“Tommy, what are you doing in my head?” was the thought.
“Elvis, I’m telling you how to find me, and I haven’t got much time. The guys who kidnapped me were all wearing red shirts and they were driving a light green van with a sign for some kind of scooter shop painted on the sides,” Tommy thought.
“Oh, now what is this?” Tommy heard Seth said. Tommy opened his eyes just in time to see Seth’s ape man swing and hit him in the face.
“Talking to Elvis, are we?” Seth asked. “Since you refuse to play nicely, I guess I’m just going to have to start playing hardball. Knock him out, please.” The red shirted ogre produced a sap and quickly hit Tommy in the head with it. Tommy slumped forward in his chair.
“Sweet dreams, stupid prince,” Seth said.
***
“Hey, are you guys in the UTMC?” the kid behind the counter asked Brian and J.J.
“Yes,” Brian answered and put down his book to look at him.
“I got a phone call for you,” the kid said.
“Ok,” Brian walked over and took the phone from the kid. “Hello?” he asked.
“Hello? Who’s this?” the voice on the other end drawled.
“This is Brian, who’s this?” Brian asked.
“This is Elvis. Look, are you with Hep?” Elvis asked.
“Uh… uh… no. Hep is out looking for Tommy. Uh… are you the Elvis?” Brian asked.
“Of course I am, what kind of thick headed question is that? Look, I’ve got some news that might help you guys find Tommy. Are you ready?” Elvis said?
“Uh, sure thing, Elvis.” Brian said. Elvis then told Brian what Tommy had said about the van.
“Oh man! We saw that van this morning! Fuck!” Brian said.
“Well, at least you know that they’re probably somewhere in Denver still,” Elvis said. “I’ll call again if I learn anything new.”
Brian hung up the phone, and went back to the table to tell J.J. what he had learned.
J.J. stopped him. “Wait a minute, you talked to Elvis?”
***
Hep and Scroat were beginning to freak out a bit. They’d spent the day looking, listening and waiting for some kind of clue to present itself, and so far they didn’t know anything more than they had when they left Dave’s house that morning.
Frustrated, Hep suggested they head back to the coffee shop and wait for the other group to get back.
“Fucking hell,” Scroat said. “I haven’t been this annoyed since you bastards dragged me out of that whorehouse. Once we’ve saved Tommy’s life, I’m going to kill him for putting us through this.”
“Is that before or after you kick him in the nuts?” Hep asked.
“After. And before. That stupid cock-dripping has earned a week’s worth of nut-kicking.” Scroat said, and mimed repeatedly kicking Tommy in the crotch. “By the time I’m done with him, national football teams are going to be recruiting me because they’ve heard about my fancy fucking footwork.”
“Seems reasonable,” Hep said. They rode back to the coffee shop.
***
Charlie and his group were already back at the coffee shop, and Brian and J.J. had filled them in on what Elvis had said.
“Elvis called, can you believe it?” J.J. said to one of the other UTMCers. “Brian got to talk to Elvis, the lucky son of a bitch.”
“I can’t believe it was that van,” Charlie said to Athena and Dave. “Damn it, we were right next to them. We could have grabbed them this morning and been on our way to get Tommy already.”
Soon Hep, Scroat and the rest arrived. They were excited to hear that Tommy had been able to get in touch with Elvis and give more details, even if they were a little sketchy.
They decided to call it a day. Hep knew that Seth wouldn’t kill Tommy. If he did, his plan wouldn’t work. Hep also knew that if Seth did kill Tommy, Tommy would just pop up in Minnesota again, not much worse for the wear. They’d be able to give back the tobacco pouch, Tommy would be able to act out his myth, and then life would go on as it always did. No, what Seth really needed was to get ahold of the tobacco pouch, and destroy it, or otherwise prevent Tommy from getting it back.
Which meant that Tommy could wait another night before they went to rescue him.
Hep, Scroat, Charlie, Jim, Minerva and Athena went back with Dave to his house for the night. The rest of the UTMCers went back to their own houses. They were all alert and keeping their eyes peeled for a seafoam green Ford Econoline, but they didn’t see one that night.
At Dave’s house, Charlie pulled out a bottle of rum and said, “I don’t know about you guys, but I could use a pull off the old bottle. Anyone care to join me?”
They passed the bottle around a few times until they all felt a bit warm and fuzzy, and then turned in for the night. Although they slept deeply, none of them dreamed and they didn’t hear anything from Tommy that night.
The rest of the UTMC crew started gathering at Dave’s house at about seven in the morning. By eight, all of them were there. Once everyone was suitably caffeinated, they split into two groups and went out looking for trouble.
Of course, they weren’t exactly sure what trouble looked like, except that it might be wearing a red shirt and riding a scooter.
They agreed to meet every couple of hours at a particular coffee shop, and then rolled off in different directions. Hep, Scroat, Jim and Dave went with one group, while Charlie, Minerva and Athena rode with the others.
“So have you got any idea where the fuck Tommy is?” Scroat asked Hep while they were at a stoplight.
“Nope, and neither does he,” Hep replied. “I talked to him in a dream last night, but Seth interrupted us. All I know is that Seth has got him locked up in a fancy house somewhere.”
“Well, fuck,” Tommy said.
“Yep,” Hep said.
They rode on, looking for anything that might tip them off to where Seth was keeping Scroat.
On the other side of town, a seafoam green van that said “Lammy Lenny’s Scooter Repair” roared passed Charlie and his group at an intersection. They didn’t think much of it, except that drivers in Denver were assholes.
***
Aphrodite was freaking out. Frank had called her babbling about guns, homemade bombs and a house full of bikers ready to go out and use them. Apparently Tommy had been kidnapped, and Hep and his friends were going to try and rescue him.
She paced around her shop, trying to think of what she could do. Frank was useless; she’d hired him to keep an eye on Hep, not to get involved in a war between gods. Also, Frank had no idea who Hep or any of the ideas were. As far as he knew, they were just an eccentric group of bikers. She was annoyed and glad at the same time that Hep had caught wise to Frank, because it meant Frank wouldn’t be blindly walking into a war zone.
On the other hand, it meant she couldn’t be sure what was happening now. She was very frustrated, as she couldn’t think of a single thing she could do to help.
***
The two groups of bikers convened at the agreed upon coffee shop at noon. Neither of them had anything useful to report. They did, however, realize that they didn’t have a good way to communicate with each other if they did discover something. Too Tall suggested that one or two of them stay behind at the coffee shop to receive phone calls and pass messages on between the groups.
They drew straws and Brian and J.J. were the lucky two who got to stay at the coffee shop. Everyone chipped in a couple of bucks to keep them in coffee and baked goods until they all met up again.
The riders went back out to keep looking for Tommy, or at least information about where he might be. Brian and J.J. watched them go.
“So, uh, want to play gin?” J.J. asked Brian.
“Not really,” Brian said, and lit a cigarette. “Maybe later.”
They went inside and got a couple cups of coffee, and found a table to wait at. The coffee shop was pretty much empty except for them and the kid working behind the counter. Brian dug a book out of his backpack and started reading. J.J. sat quietly for a few minutes, and then found a deck of cards and started playing solitaire.
***
Tommy was awake, and wondering if the burly scooter kid guarding him was ever going to need to sleep, or use the bathroom, or something that would get rid of him for a few minutes. He wanted to try contacting Hep or someone again, but he couldn’t very well do it with the human brick wall by the door punching him in the gut every time he tried.
The red shirt guarding him, however, hardly did anything more than blink and occasionally shift his weight from one foot to the other.
Tommy watched him out of the corner of his eye, waiting for a chance to try again. Some time later the kid started beeping. Tommy quickly realized it was a cell phone.
The guard pulled out the phone and answered it. “Yes?” he asked. “Ok,” he said. He turned around and left the room.
“Hooray!” Tommy thought, then focussed his energy on mentally locating Elvis. Soon enough he had a thought that wasn’t his.
“Tommy, what are you doing in my head?” was the thought.
“Elvis, I’m telling you how to find me, and I haven’t got much time. The guys who kidnapped me were all wearing red shirts and they were driving a light green van with a sign for some kind of scooter shop painted on the sides,” Tommy thought.
“Oh, now what is this?” Tommy heard Seth said. Tommy opened his eyes just in time to see Seth’s ape man swing and hit him in the face.
“Talking to Elvis, are we?” Seth asked. “Since you refuse to play nicely, I guess I’m just going to have to start playing hardball. Knock him out, please.” The red shirted ogre produced a sap and quickly hit Tommy in the head with it. Tommy slumped forward in his chair.
“Sweet dreams, stupid prince,” Seth said.
***
“Hey, are you guys in the UTMC?” the kid behind the counter asked Brian and J.J.
“Yes,” Brian answered and put down his book to look at him.
“I got a phone call for you,” the kid said.
“Ok,” Brian walked over and took the phone from the kid. “Hello?” he asked.
“Hello? Who’s this?” the voice on the other end drawled.
“This is Brian, who’s this?” Brian asked.
“This is Elvis. Look, are you with Hep?” Elvis asked.
“Uh… uh… no. Hep is out looking for Tommy. Uh… are you the Elvis?” Brian asked.
“Of course I am, what kind of thick headed question is that? Look, I’ve got some news that might help you guys find Tommy. Are you ready?” Elvis said?
“Uh, sure thing, Elvis.” Brian said. Elvis then told Brian what Tommy had said about the van.
“Oh man! We saw that van this morning! Fuck!” Brian said.
“Well, at least you know that they’re probably somewhere in Denver still,” Elvis said. “I’ll call again if I learn anything new.”
Brian hung up the phone, and went back to the table to tell J.J. what he had learned.
J.J. stopped him. “Wait a minute, you talked to Elvis?”
***
Hep and Scroat were beginning to freak out a bit. They’d spent the day looking, listening and waiting for some kind of clue to present itself, and so far they didn’t know anything more than they had when they left Dave’s house that morning.
Frustrated, Hep suggested they head back to the coffee shop and wait for the other group to get back.
“Fucking hell,” Scroat said. “I haven’t been this annoyed since you bastards dragged me out of that whorehouse. Once we’ve saved Tommy’s life, I’m going to kill him for putting us through this.”
“Is that before or after you kick him in the nuts?” Hep asked.
“After. And before. That stupid cock-dripping has earned a week’s worth of nut-kicking.” Scroat said, and mimed repeatedly kicking Tommy in the crotch. “By the time I’m done with him, national football teams are going to be recruiting me because they’ve heard about my fancy fucking footwork.”
“Seems reasonable,” Hep said. They rode back to the coffee shop.
***
Charlie and his group were already back at the coffee shop, and Brian and J.J. had filled them in on what Elvis had said.
“Elvis called, can you believe it?” J.J. said to one of the other UTMCers. “Brian got to talk to Elvis, the lucky son of a bitch.”
“I can’t believe it was that van,” Charlie said to Athena and Dave. “Damn it, we were right next to them. We could have grabbed them this morning and been on our way to get Tommy already.”
Soon Hep, Scroat and the rest arrived. They were excited to hear that Tommy had been able to get in touch with Elvis and give more details, even if they were a little sketchy.
They decided to call it a day. Hep knew that Seth wouldn’t kill Tommy. If he did, his plan wouldn’t work. Hep also knew that if Seth did kill Tommy, Tommy would just pop up in Minnesota again, not much worse for the wear. They’d be able to give back the tobacco pouch, Tommy would be able to act out his myth, and then life would go on as it always did. No, what Seth really needed was to get ahold of the tobacco pouch, and destroy it, or otherwise prevent Tommy from getting it back.
Which meant that Tommy could wait another night before they went to rescue him.
Hep, Scroat, Charlie, Jim, Minerva and Athena went back with Dave to his house for the night. The rest of the UTMCers went back to their own houses. They were all alert and keeping their eyes peeled for a seafoam green Ford Econoline, but they didn’t see one that night.
At Dave’s house, Charlie pulled out a bottle of rum and said, “I don’t know about you guys, but I could use a pull off the old bottle. Anyone care to join me?”
They passed the bottle around a few times until they all felt a bit warm and fuzzy, and then turned in for the night. Although they slept deeply, none of them dreamed and they didn’t hear anything from Tommy that night.
Chapter 26
Tommy woke up tied to a chair. He had a brutal headache. He looked around a bit, and saw that he was in an unfurnished room. It appears that the furniture had recently been removed, as there were still dents in the plush carpet where tables and chairs had been before. Expensive looking curtains were drawn over the windows. He was apparently alone.
He couldn't tell what time it was, but from the amount of light coming in the windows he guessed it was either early in the morning, or shortly before sundown.
"Fuck," he muttered to himself.
Some time later, the door opened and an unusually muscular guy with tattooed arms and a red shirt came in. A couple seconds later, Seth came in to the room as well.
"Hello Tommy," Seth said. "How are you feeling?"
"Fuck you, Seth," Tommy said in response. The red shirt smacked the back of Tommy's head. "Ow, dammit!" Tommy exclaimed.
"Now Tommy, we can be more civil than that, can't we?" Seth asked. "Oh, who am I kidding? It's more fun this way. Hit him again, please." Seth smiled as his goon punched Tommy in the gut. Tommy groaned.
"What do you want, Seth?" Tommy asked when he got his breath back.
"Complete chaos, as usual. Catching you is a perk, because now chaos is going to come to me, instead of me having to go find it," Seth said. "I'm a little worn out and bored with chasing things after following you and Hep around the country." Seth moved to stand directly in front of Tommy, though well out of reach. He crouched down to be at the same level as Tommy.
"Now, all I have to do is keep you here until the shit, so to speak, hits the fan. And, of course, Hep and his posse of idiots are going to try and find you. If they come here, well, that'll just be more fun for me. I do love a good warm up." Seth said, and smiled at Tommy. He stood up.
"Enjoy your time here, you won't have much left." Seth said. He walked out of the room. The beefy goon followed, shut the door, and Tommy heard him lock it.
The light coming in the windows started to get darker, so Tommy was able to guess at the time. He hoped he'd be able to find Hep or Scroat, or even Elvis, as he dreamed that night.
They stood in front of a pile of revolvers, rifles, explosives (lovingly made by Charlie himself), clubs and other blunt instruments, blades, ammunition, and a first aid kit.
"Think it's enough?" Charlie asked them. Frank slowly turned and looked at him in amazement.
"Who the hell are you guys up against?" Frank asked.
"A wicked witch and her army of flying monkeys," Scroat said sarcastically.
"Frank, apart from carrying this stuff to Denver, you're going to be better off not knowing anything and not getting involved," Hep said.
"And staying out of the way," Jim added.
"Well, we've got that sorted, I guess. Let's load up the car and your sidecar and get back to Denver," Charlie said. They spent a good half hour trying to cram everything into the vehicles. Frank refused to have Charlie's bombs in the car with him, so those went into Hep's sidecar. Once everything was in, they covered the stuff in the sidecar with a tarp, and the weaponry in Frank's Corvette with blankets that had puppies on them.
"No one will think you're transporting a small army's worth of guns and blades in a Corvette under puppy blankets," Charlie said, and laughed. "Good thinking, Frank."
Frank was near panic, and he was itching to dig out the cell phone and call his boss and ask what the hell she had gotten him involved in.
"Let's get moving," Hep said. They mounted up, Charlie grinning as he fired up is Ducati.
"I thought you were gone for good, baby," he said to the bike.
"So, what are we up against here?" one of them asked Dave.
"A whole world of shit," Dave said. "Once again, we've got to help Hep save the world."
"You know, one of these days I'm probably going to stop being glad to see Hep," another UTMCer quipped.
They went back to waiting, drinking coffee, and swapping lies about how fast their lap times were at the track.
But then, they were gods, and Frank was a goofball kid from east bumfuck, as Scroat would say.
On straight sections of road, they drove at 120 miles per hour. In curvy parts, they slowed it down to 80.
At one point, they blew past a cop. He immediately turned on his lights and gave chase to Frank. Frank pulled over, and the others pulled over with him.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" the cop asked Frank. Charlie walked back to where the cop and Frank were. "Get out of the car please, sir," the cop said to Frank.
Charlie walked up to the cop. "Sir, we've got a dire emergency and need to keep moving."
"Who the fuck are you?" the cop asked, his hand instinctively reaching for his side-arm.
"Just your friendly neighborhood god of war," Charlie said. "This man is with me, and we need to go. Now."
"You're not going anywhere pal, until..."the cop began, then stopped. Fire was dancing in Charlie's eyes, and the cop could swear Charlie had just exhaled smoke. He could smell coal burning.
"Until what?" Charlie asked calmly.
"Until I've told you to have a nice day. Drive carefully now," the cop said, and hurried back to his own car.
Frank stared at Charlie. "What the hell?" he asked.
"You don't want to know. Just get in the car and drive," Charlie said. He walked back to his bike, and Frank got back in the car. They all sped off, rocketing towards Denver.
An hour later, they arrived at the coffee shop.
"I do what I can, Dave said. "So what now?"
"So now we go back to someone's house, figure out our next step, and try to get some sleep," Hep said. They decided to head back to Dave's house. Hep and Frank followed immediately behind Dave. The rest rode behind Frank.
At Dave's house, Frank and Hep parked in the garage and they shut the door. As the rest of the group arrived, they parked on the street, on Dave's driveway, and in his yard. They all filed inside.
Inside, Hep, Charlie, Scroat and Dave were unloading the Corvette and sidecar. Frank stood in a corner watching with mounting horror as the UTMCers bickered over which weapons they were best suited to carry. He was pretty sure that he'd never seen a TV detective getting wrapped up in this kind of heavy shit before, and he had no idea what he should do.
Luckily, cowering in the corner was exactly where Hep preferred Frank to be. Best to leave the world-saving to those who are up to the task.
Once everyone was well and truly armed to the teeth, they gathered in Dave's living room and Hep filled them in on what was going on. He told them they were going to have to kick a lot of asses in order to get Tommy back.
He also told them that he currently had absolutely no idea where Tommy actually was, so the first order of business would be to find that crucial bit of information.
After that, they agreed to meet back at Dave's house the next morning and plan their next move. Most of the UTMC crew left to go sleep in their own homes.
Shortly after the crowd left, Too Tall and the rest arrived at Dave's house.
"Hey guys, what did we miss?" Athena asked.
"Hep, you gotta help me out," Tommy said.
"You gotta tell me where you are," Hep replied. "Are you ok?"
"As ok as I can be when I'm a prisoner of Seth's. I don't know exactly where I am. In a fancy house somewhere..." Tommy said. He was interrupted by a voice coming from the left. They looked, and saw Seth standing on the water.
"Tommy, you're not trying to go behind my back now, are you?" Seth asked. "That's hardly playing fair at all. Hello Hep. Are the fish biting?" Seth gave Hep a large, shit-eating grin.
"Fuck you, Seth," Tommy said.
"Now, now, that's just not nice at all. I think it's time for you to wake up." Seth said, and vanished.
'What the hell does that mean?" Tommy asked Hep, then disappeared as well.
Seth stood nearby. "Oh Tommy, I can't have you playing games like that if you're going to be my guest here," he said mournfully. Then he laughed. "I guess I'm going to have to be a little more strict with you. Hit him again, please."
The red-shirted ogre back-handed Tommy across the face.
"No more silliness, now, or I'll have to start being outright unpleasant." Seth said, and left the room.
The red shirt went over to the door and closed it, then locked it from the inside. Evidentally he was going to stay in the room and keep and eye on Tommy.
"Great," Tommy muttered.
He couldn't tell what time it was, but from the amount of light coming in the windows he guessed it was either early in the morning, or shortly before sundown.
"Fuck," he muttered to himself.
Some time later, the door opened and an unusually muscular guy with tattooed arms and a red shirt came in. A couple seconds later, Seth came in to the room as well.
"Hello Tommy," Seth said. "How are you feeling?"
"Fuck you, Seth," Tommy said in response. The red shirt smacked the back of Tommy's head. "Ow, dammit!" Tommy exclaimed.
"Now Tommy, we can be more civil than that, can't we?" Seth asked. "Oh, who am I kidding? It's more fun this way. Hit him again, please." Seth smiled as his goon punched Tommy in the gut. Tommy groaned.
"What do you want, Seth?" Tommy asked when he got his breath back.
"Complete chaos, as usual. Catching you is a perk, because now chaos is going to come to me, instead of me having to go find it," Seth said. "I'm a little worn out and bored with chasing things after following you and Hep around the country." Seth moved to stand directly in front of Tommy, though well out of reach. He crouched down to be at the same level as Tommy.
"Now, all I have to do is keep you here until the shit, so to speak, hits the fan. And, of course, Hep and his posse of idiots are going to try and find you. If they come here, well, that'll just be more fun for me. I do love a good warm up." Seth said, and smiled at Tommy. He stood up.
"Enjoy your time here, you won't have much left." Seth said. He walked out of the room. The beefy goon followed, shut the door, and Tommy heard him lock it.
The light coming in the windows started to get darker, so Tommy was able to guess at the time. He hoped he'd be able to find Hep or Scroat, or even Elvis, as he dreamed that night.
***
Hep, Scroat, Charlie, Jim and now Frank were busy picking enough weapons from Charlie's stash to arm themselves, Minerva, Athena, Dave and the UTMC crew, any extra UTMCers Dave was able to round up, and a few dozen spares. Just in case.They stood in front of a pile of revolvers, rifles, explosives (lovingly made by Charlie himself), clubs and other blunt instruments, blades, ammunition, and a first aid kit.
"Think it's enough?" Charlie asked them. Frank slowly turned and looked at him in amazement.
"Who the hell are you guys up against?" Frank asked.
"A wicked witch and her army of flying monkeys," Scroat said sarcastically.
"Frank, apart from carrying this stuff to Denver, you're going to be better off not knowing anything and not getting involved," Hep said.
"And staying out of the way," Jim added.
"Well, we've got that sorted, I guess. Let's load up the car and your sidecar and get back to Denver," Charlie said. They spent a good half hour trying to cram everything into the vehicles. Frank refused to have Charlie's bombs in the car with him, so those went into Hep's sidecar. Once everything was in, they covered the stuff in the sidecar with a tarp, and the weaponry in Frank's Corvette with blankets that had puppies on them.
"No one will think you're transporting a small army's worth of guns and blades in a Corvette under puppy blankets," Charlie said, and laughed. "Good thinking, Frank."
Frank was near panic, and he was itching to dig out the cell phone and call his boss and ask what the hell she had gotten him involved in.
"Let's get moving," Hep said. They mounted up, Charlie grinning as he fired up is Ducati.
"I thought you were gone for good, baby," he said to the bike.
***
The UTMC crew and Minerva and Athena were a couple hours outside of Denver, and riding fast.***
While Hep and the rest were going to Aspen, Dave had started rounding up everyone he could find to come and help out. Soon there were twenty more UTMCers waiting for Hep and the rest in a coffee shop in Denver."So, what are we up against here?" one of them asked Dave.
"A whole world of shit," Dave said. "Once again, we've got to help Hep save the world."
"You know, one of these days I'm probably going to stop being glad to see Hep," another UTMCer quipped.
They went back to waiting, drinking coffee, and swapping lies about how fast their lap times were at the track.
***
Hep, Scroat, Charlie and Jim rode fast back to Denver. They would have gone faster, but they were limited by Frank's ability to drive the Corvette. His vehicle, sadly, was entirely standard, and not nearly as capable as their bikes.But then, they were gods, and Frank was a goofball kid from east bumfuck, as Scroat would say.
On straight sections of road, they drove at 120 miles per hour. In curvy parts, they slowed it down to 80.
At one point, they blew past a cop. He immediately turned on his lights and gave chase to Frank. Frank pulled over, and the others pulled over with him.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" the cop asked Frank. Charlie walked back to where the cop and Frank were. "Get out of the car please, sir," the cop said to Frank.
Charlie walked up to the cop. "Sir, we've got a dire emergency and need to keep moving."
"Who the fuck are you?" the cop asked, his hand instinctively reaching for his side-arm.
"Just your friendly neighborhood god of war," Charlie said. "This man is with me, and we need to go. Now."
"You're not going anywhere pal, until..."the cop began, then stopped. Fire was dancing in Charlie's eyes, and the cop could swear Charlie had just exhaled smoke. He could smell coal burning.
"Until what?" Charlie asked calmly.
"Until I've told you to have a nice day. Drive carefully now," the cop said, and hurried back to his own car.
Frank stared at Charlie. "What the hell?" he asked.
"You don't want to know. Just get in the car and drive," Charlie said. He walked back to his bike, and Frank got back in the car. They all sped off, rocketing towards Denver.
An hour later, they arrived at the coffee shop.
***
"Wow, you managed to find a lot of people," Hep said to Dave."I do what I can, Dave said. "So what now?"
"So now we go back to someone's house, figure out our next step, and try to get some sleep," Hep said. They decided to head back to Dave's house. Hep and Frank followed immediately behind Dave. The rest rode behind Frank.
At Dave's house, Frank and Hep parked in the garage and they shut the door. As the rest of the group arrived, they parked on the street, on Dave's driveway, and in his yard. They all filed inside.
Inside, Hep, Charlie, Scroat and Dave were unloading the Corvette and sidecar. Frank stood in a corner watching with mounting horror as the UTMCers bickered over which weapons they were best suited to carry. He was pretty sure that he'd never seen a TV detective getting wrapped up in this kind of heavy shit before, and he had no idea what he should do.
Luckily, cowering in the corner was exactly where Hep preferred Frank to be. Best to leave the world-saving to those who are up to the task.
Once everyone was well and truly armed to the teeth, they gathered in Dave's living room and Hep filled them in on what was going on. He told them they were going to have to kick a lot of asses in order to get Tommy back.
He also told them that he currently had absolutely no idea where Tommy actually was, so the first order of business would be to find that crucial bit of information.
After that, they agreed to meet back at Dave's house the next morning and plan their next move. Most of the UTMC crew left to go sleep in their own homes.
Shortly after the crowd left, Too Tall and the rest arrived at Dave's house.
"Hey guys, what did we miss?" Athena asked.
***
That night, Hep dreamt he was on a boat, fishing. He thought he must be in Minnesota. In the boat with him was Tommy."Hep, you gotta help me out," Tommy said.
"You gotta tell me where you are," Hep replied. "Are you ok?"
"As ok as I can be when I'm a prisoner of Seth's. I don't know exactly where I am. In a fancy house somewhere..." Tommy said. He was interrupted by a voice coming from the left. They looked, and saw Seth standing on the water.
"Tommy, you're not trying to go behind my back now, are you?" Seth asked. "That's hardly playing fair at all. Hello Hep. Are the fish biting?" Seth gave Hep a large, shit-eating grin.
"Fuck you, Seth," Tommy said.
"Now, now, that's just not nice at all. I think it's time for you to wake up." Seth said, and vanished.
'What the hell does that mean?" Tommy asked Hep, then disappeared as well.
***
Tommy woke up gasping for breath, hunched over. The big red-shirted guy was standing over him with his fists clenched. Tommy realized he'd been punched in the gut again.Seth stood nearby. "Oh Tommy, I can't have you playing games like that if you're going to be my guest here," he said mournfully. Then he laughed. "I guess I'm going to have to be a little more strict with you. Hit him again, please."
The red-shirted ogre back-handed Tommy across the face.
"No more silliness, now, or I'll have to start being outright unpleasant." Seth said, and left the room.
The red shirt went over to the door and closed it, then locked it from the inside. Evidentally he was going to stay in the room and keep and eye on Tommy.
"Great," Tommy muttered.
Chapter 25
When Hep woke up, he was surprised to see that Scroat was awake already.
"The darn sunlight coming in the window was right on my face," Scroat explained.
"I see." Hep said. He poked Charlie and Dave awake. Jim drifted in to the room.
"There's a guy about a block away sitting in a Corvette. He's been there all night, but he hasn't moved once," Jim said.
"Why didn't you tell us sooner?" Hep asked.
"Well, he's not doing anything, except I see a cigarette burning now and then, and hear him coughing." Jim said.
"All right," Hep said. "Well, I guess we'll just leave, and keep an eye on our asses."
They packed up their gear, and split. It was good that they left when they did, because the employee responsible for opening the attraction arrived about five minutes after they rolled out of the parking lot.
Frank followed at a distance as they rode north. He liked the Corvette a lot better than the Lincoln. It was black, fast, and felt purposeful as he drove it.
About an hour later, they arrived in Denver. They found a restaurant called Breakfast King that looked pretty promising since it was both open, and had "breakfast" in the name. They went inside.
Not too long after they got a table, Scroat saw a black Corvette pull into the parking lot.
"There's our man," Scroat said.
"Let's see what he does," Charlie said.
Frank didn't do much, except crack the window and light a cigarette. He thought that TV detectives should definitely drive Corvettes more often.
Hep, Scroat, Charlie and Dave ordered breakfast. Jim went and hung out by the Corvette, invisible, to see what he was up to. Jim overheard him calling someone on his cell phone.
"Yeah, they stopped for breakfast in Denver," is what he heard Frank say. Jim hustled in to the restaurant, and whispered to Hep that the guy in the parking lot was calling someone and telling who ever it was where they currently were.
"I see," Hep said. He thought for a moment, then kept eating. They paid their bill and left.
"I'm going to walk the long way around the lot, and have a little chat with our friend," Hep said. "You guys go back to the bikes and I'll be over in a minute."
He started walking. The rest went over to the bikes. Frank couldn't see Hep, so he kept an eye on Scroat, Charlie and Dave. He was extremely surprised when Hep pulled open his door and dragged him out of the car. Frank's first thought was "Maybe I should have kept my seatbelt on."
Hep lifted Frank and pulled him up to his face. "Who are you and what do you want, chum?" Hep asked in his most menacing voice.
"Um, I'm Frank," Frank said.
"What do you want Frank? We've seen you following us. Why?" Hep asked.
"A lady hired me to keep an eye on you," Frank said.
Hep shook Frank once, hard, and asked "What lady?"
"I... I don't know her real name. She just called herself Aphrodite," Frank said. He knew he probably should be giving so much information away, but Hep was huge, ugly and seemed really, really pissed off.
Hep set Frank down. "Why would Aphrodite want to keep an eye on me?" he asked.
"I don't know, she just told me to call her anytime anything weird happened to you guys." Frank said.
"I see. Frank, I don't know why I feel this way, but I think for the time being I'm going to trust you," Hep said. Frank relaxed the tiniest bit. "You can stay behind us, but keep out of the way. I guarantee you don't want to get mixed up in what we're involved in."
"Uh, Um, ok." Frank said. Hep was already walking towards the bikes.
"I don't know, we should find a pay phone. I know someone that might know where they're at," she said.
"Who's that?" Too Tall asked.
"Elvis," Athena said.
"I beg your pardon?" Too Tall asked, incredulous.
"You heard me. Elvis should know where they are," Athena told him.
The left the campground, and started riding towards New Mexico. Soon enough they found a gas station and Athena went to use the pay phone.
"Who's she calling?" Brian asked Too Tall.
"Elvis," Too Tall said.
"Elvis?" Brain asked.
"I guess," Too Tall replied.
"The Elvis?" Brian asked.
"So it would seem," Too Tall said.
"Do you think she could introduce me to him?" Brian asked.
"I think we have more important things to worry about than meeting dead rock stars," Too Tall said.
"What ever. No need to be a dick about it." Brian said, and walked by to his own bike.
Athena came back from the phone. "Our favorite guys are in Denver right now," she said.
"Sweet!" Too Tall said. "We'll be able to grab the rest of the UTMC crew while we're there."
Athena didn't tell them that Elvis had also told her that Tommy had been kidnapped. Elvis wasn't able to confirm that, it was just something he'd heard. No need to freak everyone out over a rumor. Athena was pretty concerned about Tommy though. It would be awfully hard to for Hep to give back the tobacco pouch if they couldn't get to Tommy.
"Let's go," she said. They all mounted up again, and rode north.
Entirely by coincidence, they stopped at the Double Eagle restaurant for lunch. As they ate, Armando commented to Inez that they were certainly getting a lot of motorcyclists in the restaurant lately.
"Hey man, what's the good word?" Hep asked him.
"Hey Hep, I've got some good news, and some bad news," Elvis said.
"Ok, well, start laying it on me," Hep said.
"Well, first off, the UTMC crew and those two lovely ladies have gotten their bikes back and are rushing to meet you guys in Denver. They're somewhere in southern New Mexico right now," Elvis said.
"So that must be the good news," Hep said.
"Yep. The other news is that Tommy has been kidnapped." Elvis said.
"What?" Hep exclaimed. "Kidnapped? Where? By who?"
"He was in Denver, last I heard. One of those red-shirted bastards was overheard bragging about it."
"Fuck," Hep said.
"Yeah," Elvis replied.
"I guess we've got some work to do then," Hep said. "Talk to you later, Elvis."
"I hope so," Elvis said.
Hep went back to where Scroat, Charlie, Dave and Jim were waiting.
"Tommy has been kidnapped," he said.
"Oh my fuck!" Scroat said. "That's bad news."
"Thanks for stating the obvious," Charlie said.
"Fuck you, Chuck," Scroat responded.
"The good news is that the UTMC crew got their bikes back somehow and are on their way to Denver right now. They should be here late tonight." Hep said.
"So what should we do?" Charlie asked.
"Well, I think we should leave Dave here to wait for the UTMC crew, and then head over to your house to gather some weaponry. And then, we're going to go kick some motherfucking asses." Hep said.
They left Dave at a coffee shop the UTMC crew were known to lurk at, and headed towards Aspen.
Frank followed behind them at a respectable distance.
A few hours later, they pulled into Charlie's driveway. He opened his garage door and there, with a bow on the tank, sat his Ducati.
"Fucking sweet!" Charlie yelled. He went over to the bike and looked it over. "It looks better than it did when it got stolen. No damage at all."
Hep smiled, and said "Great, now you won't have to ride in my side car. That oughta leave plenty of room for weaponry."
They heard a Corvette idling at the end of the driveway.
"Hey Jim, go get him and tell him to come down here." Hep said.
Jim drifted up the driveway and to the Corvette. He slipped through the door and sat in the passenger seat, then materialized next to Frank.
"Hey buddy, Hep says you should come down to the house," Jim said.
"Holy balls!" Frank yelled. He was so startled by Jim's appearance that he forgot he was holding the clutch down. He let go of it, but kept his other foot on the brake, and killed the car. It lurched forward just a tiny bit before it stalled, and Frank bounced his head off the steering wheel.
"Calm down, ya pansy," Jim said. "Haven't you ever seen a ghost before?"
"Uh, no. I can't say that I have," Frank said.
"Well, whatever. Hep wants you to go down to the house." Jim said.
Frank started the car again, and drove down the driveway. Hep, Scroat and Charlie were waiting for him there. He got out of the car.
"Hope Jim didn't scare you too bad," Hep said. Frank smiled weakly in response.
Hep continued, "It seems that the time has come for swift and violent action, and we're going to need your car to carry a whole bunch of weapons for us."
Frank stared at him.
"I know, it's pretty exciting. I'm sure you haven't gotten to play with guns much, but you're going to need to contain your enthusiasm a little bit and help us out." Hep said. "Let's go inside and start picking the implements most likely to cause our foes to befoul their undergarments."
Hep, Charlie and Scroat started walking into Charlie's house. Frank, shaking his head in disbelief, followed them. He was even more shocked when he got inside Charlie's house and realized that Charlie's home was more armory than humble dwelling.
"The darn sunlight coming in the window was right on my face," Scroat explained.
"I see." Hep said. He poked Charlie and Dave awake. Jim drifted in to the room.
"There's a guy about a block away sitting in a Corvette. He's been there all night, but he hasn't moved once," Jim said.
"Why didn't you tell us sooner?" Hep asked.
"Well, he's not doing anything, except I see a cigarette burning now and then, and hear him coughing." Jim said.
"All right," Hep said. "Well, I guess we'll just leave, and keep an eye on our asses."
They packed up their gear, and split. It was good that they left when they did, because the employee responsible for opening the attraction arrived about five minutes after they rolled out of the parking lot.
Frank followed at a distance as they rode north. He liked the Corvette a lot better than the Lincoln. It was black, fast, and felt purposeful as he drove it.
About an hour later, they arrived in Denver. They found a restaurant called Breakfast King that looked pretty promising since it was both open, and had "breakfast" in the name. They went inside.
Not too long after they got a table, Scroat saw a black Corvette pull into the parking lot.
"There's our man," Scroat said.
"Let's see what he does," Charlie said.
Frank didn't do much, except crack the window and light a cigarette. He thought that TV detectives should definitely drive Corvettes more often.
Hep, Scroat, Charlie and Dave ordered breakfast. Jim went and hung out by the Corvette, invisible, to see what he was up to. Jim overheard him calling someone on his cell phone.
"Yeah, they stopped for breakfast in Denver," is what he heard Frank say. Jim hustled in to the restaurant, and whispered to Hep that the guy in the parking lot was calling someone and telling who ever it was where they currently were.
"I see," Hep said. He thought for a moment, then kept eating. They paid their bill and left.
"I'm going to walk the long way around the lot, and have a little chat with our friend," Hep said. "You guys go back to the bikes and I'll be over in a minute."
He started walking. The rest went over to the bikes. Frank couldn't see Hep, so he kept an eye on Scroat, Charlie and Dave. He was extremely surprised when Hep pulled open his door and dragged him out of the car. Frank's first thought was "Maybe I should have kept my seatbelt on."
Hep lifted Frank and pulled him up to his face. "Who are you and what do you want, chum?" Hep asked in his most menacing voice.
"Um, I'm Frank," Frank said.
"What do you want Frank? We've seen you following us. Why?" Hep asked.
"A lady hired me to keep an eye on you," Frank said.
Hep shook Frank once, hard, and asked "What lady?"
"I... I don't know her real name. She just called herself Aphrodite," Frank said. He knew he probably should be giving so much information away, but Hep was huge, ugly and seemed really, really pissed off.
Hep set Frank down. "Why would Aphrodite want to keep an eye on me?" he asked.
"I don't know, she just told me to call her anytime anything weird happened to you guys." Frank said.
"I see. Frank, I don't know why I feel this way, but I think for the time being I'm going to trust you," Hep said. Frank relaxed the tiniest bit. "You can stay behind us, but keep out of the way. I guarantee you don't want to get mixed up in what we're involved in."
"Uh, Um, ok." Frank said. Hep was already walking towards the bikes.
***
Tommy had also just finished breakfast, and was walking to his car when a seafoam green Ford Econoline with "Lammy Lenny's Scooter Repair" painted on the side screeched up behind him. Three guys in red shirts jumped out of the back, grabbed Tommy and dragged him into the back of the van. Tommy, naturally struggled violently against them, and after a couple moments one of the scooterist hit Tommy on the back of the head with a 1/2 inch drive socket wrench. Tommy went limp, and they quickly tied him up with zip ties and duct tape.***
"Where the hell do you think they went from here?" Too Tall asked Athena."I don't know, we should find a pay phone. I know someone that might know where they're at," she said.
"Who's that?" Too Tall asked.
"Elvis," Athena said.
"I beg your pardon?" Too Tall asked, incredulous.
"You heard me. Elvis should know where they are," Athena told him.
The left the campground, and started riding towards New Mexico. Soon enough they found a gas station and Athena went to use the pay phone.
"Who's she calling?" Brian asked Too Tall.
"Elvis," Too Tall said.
"Elvis?" Brain asked.
"I guess," Too Tall replied.
"The Elvis?" Brian asked.
"So it would seem," Too Tall said.
"Do you think she could introduce me to him?" Brian asked.
"I think we have more important things to worry about than meeting dead rock stars," Too Tall said.
"What ever. No need to be a dick about it." Brian said, and walked by to his own bike.
Athena came back from the phone. "Our favorite guys are in Denver right now," she said.
"Sweet!" Too Tall said. "We'll be able to grab the rest of the UTMC crew while we're there."
Athena didn't tell them that Elvis had also told her that Tommy had been kidnapped. Elvis wasn't able to confirm that, it was just something he'd heard. No need to freak everyone out over a rumor. Athena was pretty concerned about Tommy though. It would be awfully hard to for Hep to give back the tobacco pouch if they couldn't get to Tommy.
"Let's go," she said. They all mounted up again, and rode north.
Entirely by coincidence, they stopped at the Double Eagle restaurant for lunch. As they ate, Armando commented to Inez that they were certainly getting a lot of motorcyclists in the restaurant lately.
***
Hep went to find a pay phone. He called Elvis."Hey man, what's the good word?" Hep asked him.
"Hey Hep, I've got some good news, and some bad news," Elvis said.
"Ok, well, start laying it on me," Hep said.
"Well, first off, the UTMC crew and those two lovely ladies have gotten their bikes back and are rushing to meet you guys in Denver. They're somewhere in southern New Mexico right now," Elvis said.
"So that must be the good news," Hep said.
"Yep. The other news is that Tommy has been kidnapped." Elvis said.
"What?" Hep exclaimed. "Kidnapped? Where? By who?"
"He was in Denver, last I heard. One of those red-shirted bastards was overheard bragging about it."
"Fuck," Hep said.
"Yeah," Elvis replied.
"I guess we've got some work to do then," Hep said. "Talk to you later, Elvis."
"I hope so," Elvis said.
Hep went back to where Scroat, Charlie, Dave and Jim were waiting.
"Tommy has been kidnapped," he said.
"Oh my fuck!" Scroat said. "That's bad news."
"Thanks for stating the obvious," Charlie said.
"Fuck you, Chuck," Scroat responded.
"The good news is that the UTMC crew got their bikes back somehow and are on their way to Denver right now. They should be here late tonight." Hep said.
"So what should we do?" Charlie asked.
"Well, I think we should leave Dave here to wait for the UTMC crew, and then head over to your house to gather some weaponry. And then, we're going to go kick some motherfucking asses." Hep said.
They left Dave at a coffee shop the UTMC crew were known to lurk at, and headed towards Aspen.
Frank followed behind them at a respectable distance.
A few hours later, they pulled into Charlie's driveway. He opened his garage door and there, with a bow on the tank, sat his Ducati.
"Fucking sweet!" Charlie yelled. He went over to the bike and looked it over. "It looks better than it did when it got stolen. No damage at all."
Hep smiled, and said "Great, now you won't have to ride in my side car. That oughta leave plenty of room for weaponry."
They heard a Corvette idling at the end of the driveway.
"Hey Jim, go get him and tell him to come down here." Hep said.
Jim drifted up the driveway and to the Corvette. He slipped through the door and sat in the passenger seat, then materialized next to Frank.
"Hey buddy, Hep says you should come down to the house," Jim said.
"Holy balls!" Frank yelled. He was so startled by Jim's appearance that he forgot he was holding the clutch down. He let go of it, but kept his other foot on the brake, and killed the car. It lurched forward just a tiny bit before it stalled, and Frank bounced his head off the steering wheel.
"Calm down, ya pansy," Jim said. "Haven't you ever seen a ghost before?"
"Uh, no. I can't say that I have," Frank said.
"Well, whatever. Hep wants you to go down to the house." Jim said.
Frank started the car again, and drove down the driveway. Hep, Scroat and Charlie were waiting for him there. He got out of the car.
"Hope Jim didn't scare you too bad," Hep said. Frank smiled weakly in response.
Hep continued, "It seems that the time has come for swift and violent action, and we're going to need your car to carry a whole bunch of weapons for us."
Frank stared at him.
"I know, it's pretty exciting. I'm sure you haven't gotten to play with guns much, but you're going to need to contain your enthusiasm a little bit and help us out." Hep said. "Let's go inside and start picking the implements most likely to cause our foes to befoul their undergarments."
Hep, Charlie and Scroat started walking into Charlie's house. Frank, shaking his head in disbelief, followed them. He was even more shocked when he got inside Charlie's house and realized that Charlie's home was more armory than humble dwelling.
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